Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Single Holidays

During the holidays, its like a mad rush to meet someone…but I think that is because people are not focusing on the positives of being single. Sure, it sucks going to all the holiday parties by yourself (unless there are cute single boys waiting for your amazing charm and phone number at these parties)…but normally that is not the case. Normally, you are wandering from one couple to the next, trying not to be the third wheel… and hoping that another desperately single person arrives.
But, instead of focusing on the bad, I like to focus on the good side of the dreaded SINGLE HOLIDAYS…
For instance… This week, I bought myself a cute purse I had been wanting for over a month. If I was in a relationship, I would have had to spend money on my boyfriend…not this year! Instead, I got to spend my money on me! Now, I know, this also means that I am not receiving any gifts…but lets be honest, my imaginary boyfriend bought me exactly what I wanted…I couldn’t say that this would happen with a real boyfriend.  
I also, get to spend the holidays with my family. I don’t have to share my time with ‘his’ family. There is no debate, no discussion….just exactly what I want to do, when I want to. I can wear my pajamas all day long, and no future In-laws will be there to judge me! Heck yes!
On New Years Eve, I can make out with as many boys as I want…not just one. More kisses=more good luck the following year…right?
So, to all my single friends out there… Merry Christmas!!! And Happy, Kiss-full, New Year!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Compulsive Liar

He only told the truth about the things most people would lie about…
I met The Compulsive Liar online…ofcourse.  We went from initial contact, to talking, to meeting in two days. I knew from our first conversation that I would probably fall for him…I also had a feeling that I shouldn’t.  He was a smart-ass, exactly what I tend to go for.
We met at a bar for our first date. I was smitten as soon as I saw him. He was cute and looked great in his jeans. More importantly though… he made me laugh.  We talked about tons of things, like how much he loves his job, and that he had only been to one wedding, and that he made a point to watch Judge Judy everyday. It was a great date. I went home extra smiley. And then…he called me the next day…and everyday after that…until the end.
One week into dating him, he asked me to come over and meet his brother. I told him I wasn’t ready for that step yet. Meeting the family is a big deal! A few days later, he asked me if I would like to have dinner with him, I said yes…and then he said “great, because I already told my brother you were coming, and it would be rude to cancel.” Ugh, really? He trapped me! So, I went… and absolutely loved his family. They were funny and sweet…but definitely gave me a hard time…jokingly.
The next week, he wanted me to meet his friends… on the way out, in the car, he told me that he had a porn addiction. He told me that it was no longer a problem. Ah…what? What do you say to that? Not to mention, the internal conversation I had with myself…”Uh, is he going to try to slap me in the face with his business…(yes, I said business)? Am I gonna have to get implants? When he brings me dinner, am I going to have to say “I have no money to tip you…maybe I could repay you another way…wink wink”.  I am not a fan of porn…I don’t like the unrealistic expectations it places on sex…especially if someone is so obsessed with it, that his family and friends had an intervention… but, I just ignored it…put it in the back of my mind. I mean, everything else about him was wonderful…he liked spending time with me, he made me laugh, he would tell me that I am beautiful….wonderful…. I thought…
Although, it was weird… so many things he told me, later would come up different. On our first date, he told me he had been to one wedding… a month into dating, somehow it came up that he had been to three. There were a ton of little discrepancies like this…but I really didn’t think anything of it. I mean, who lies about such useless things! Especially, someone that told me about his porn addiction (which I probably would have never found out about), and many other personal details that I don't feel right sharing...even without using his name. But, lets just say...he told me quite a few things that many guys lie about...all things, I would not have known immediately.
After two weeks, he asked me to be exclusive. I said no. My last relationship went from meeting to living together in two months… I didn’t want to rush anything…and then, I felt like a jerk. I didn’t want to date anyone else. I'm not good at dating multiple people. So I agreed. And then, everything was going great. We got along perfectly. He was not perfect, by any means, but I liked him…a lot. In fact, everyone that met him, loved him.
It all started down hill one day, when we were hanging out at my house. I went to check my Facebook messages. My computer, automatically logs me in…I had no idea, he had even used my computer… I went to my messages, and clicked on someone random…didn’t know who it was…and apparently, I was in his account. It was messaging back and forth, between him and some girl. He was telling her that he still thinks about her, and wants to get together, etc. At this point, we had been dating for about two months. I asked him about…and showed him what I found. I told him, if he wanted to date her...he could. I'm not about to hold him back. I don't want someone that wants someone else. He then admitted that he had never been faithful. He said, nothing happened, and that he felt terrible. He said, he really wanted to be a better person. He said, he really wants to be with me. And, because I am stupid…I forgave him….but didn’t fully trust him.
A couple days later….after feeling sick to my stomach…I checked online. He had told me (without me asking) that he took down his dating profile…so I decided to take a look. Not only, was his profile still up…but he had been online that day. So I broke up with him.
A few days passed...and he texted me. He said he was sorry, he said that I dont deserve to be treated that way. He said lots of things... and again, I forgave him. I mentioned I am stupid right?
About a month later, I caught him in the same old lies... but this time, I didn't forgive him.
I still sometimes think about him…and sadly enough, miss him…the good parts anyways. And I still don’t understand… he was sweet to me, and genuinely seem to care about me. He saved the receipt from our first date…he said he kept it, because he knew he would be with me. He wanted to show me off to his friends and family. He wanted to be around me all the time. He told me all of the horrible things he went through as a child, and all the things he hoped for in the future. He cried to me about these things. 
So…did he use me to make an ex jealous? Was he just a player? Or did he genuinely care?
The truth is…I hope to meet someone like him again…just lacking the porn addictions, the white lies, and the troubled heart!
Ugh, Dating!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Genius

This is the hardest time I have had to come up with a name… Should I call him The Genius (obviously I did), The Mano (for those that speak Spanish…this is not meant as hand, but simply just man+o), The Underwear Cowboy (long story)…. Anyways, here ya go….The Genius!
I have known The Genius for 17 years. I went to the all girl school (probably where my problems all started), and he went to the all boy school. We met on the city bus. He would protect me from all the 60 year old creeps that would hit on me and tell me I should model….and from the one that brought me chocolates on Valentines Day. Seriously! As much as it pained me, I threw those chocolates away…he was 65ish, I was 15….who knows what kind of poison was in them? So, this is when my theory started… Older men love me, because they are at an age where they can appreciate a girl with some meat on her bones….although, now, that I am older…this is not the case…so I think they were just disgusting pervs. Anyways, the point is…The Genius always protected me.
I have never met anyone who doesn’t instantly fall in love with The Genius. He is good looking, insanely (you know insanity and genius is really a fine line) smart, funny, and charismatic… and he has been in love with me since high school. This seems like it should be a fairytale…doesn’t it? So whats the problem? Whats my problem (the one at hand…lets not dive into all of them)? Lets…start with some background…
The genius gets his name…for that simple reason… he is. He can solve a Rubik's cube in one minute…no matter how much you mess it up. I mean, seriously….who can do that? I think that is probably all the proof you need..but here is one more example…When he was a ten, he was allergic to blueberries, and spent the entire summer eating them, and building up a tolerance. He told me he wasn’t going to let a berry overpower him. I could give you many other examples…but I think that sums it up….Genius.
He has been high school president, done stand-up comedy, managed a bar, made money for his short (interesting) stories, and been in the navy. He broke his neck boxing, been hit by a Mack truck while riding his bicycle cross country, and lived through all of it. He has more stories to tell than anyone I have ever met…and whats scary is… they are all true. He is truly one of the few people I know, that is determined to get as much out of life as he can!
The Genius and I have so much history…that its hard to sum up…its hard to explain all of it. So I will just get to the bare basics. (bare basics…not bare bodies).
We will go years without talking at a time…because he makes me mad, and I cut him off. One time he grabbed me and kissed me in front of my boyfriend….I slapped him…and cut him off. One time he tricked me to go on a date with him (I thought his friend that I had a crush on was coming)…so I slapped him….and cut him off. The last time, I was talking to a guy…he thought I was interested in, he was drunk, and he told the guy “if you don’t treat her good, I will stab you”….so I cut him off.  This is the thing…I know first-hand what its like to do crazy things when you love someone…and its not reciprocated in the way you want. (go to Welcome to Crazy…that’s me). I always forgive him, and ultimately I always want him in my life because he is a great person. And the truth is, I haven’t always been kind. Its amazing the things he has forgiven me for.
 I don’t know why I cant return his feelings. Maybe it scares me that he has always, since the day we met, loved me for who I am. He has always accepted everything about me. He has always held me up so high….which is terrifying..because if you are up so high, there is only one way to go. I have even told him that if he really got to know me, he would be in a world of disappointment. He says he already knows me. He said he knows I'm not perfect, but that I am the truest person he has ever met.
The last time I reconnected with The Genius was after I had my heart broken…maybe this was selfish. I knew he would be there for me, I knew he would build me up. At one point, I even thought I could fall for him. I even told him that its funny because one day I would fall for him, and probably he would lose interest. He told me he would, right now, go sell his kidney to buy me a ring. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I have again, lost interest in romantic affairs…but we are still friends… and I hate that I cant feel the same about him!
So…what is it? Is it a cruel joke? To have someone love you through and through, the good and the bad…and yet, you just cant feel the same…no matter how bad you want to. Is it the fear that, you cant live up to the standards they have you at? Is it just bad timing? I have always believed that I don’t want what I cant have…maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, that’s what the problem is. Maybe, that’s why The Genius has always love me…because I am unavailable.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Wasted Love!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Gentleman

I figured I would share a story of a great guy…since I am starting to sound a bit jaded and bitter. Not all the dates I have had have been terrible…my problem is that most of the good dates come with bad timing.
I met The Gentleman about one month after I got my heart broken…for the first time. (bad timing). He did everything right…more than right…he courted me. I had never had anyone be so thoughtful and considerate before. He found out my interests and planned the dates accordingly.
Our first date, he drove twenty minutes out of the way to pick me up (and he opened my car door). We went to a restaurant known for their mac and cheese selection…specifically because he found out that I am like a five year old….and love mac and cheese. After dinner we went on a gondola ride and got a drink at the hotel. He never made a move on me…total gentleman! …so I did! (Don’t get ahead of yourself, we just kissed). At the end of the night, he took me home, walked me to my door, and asked to see me again….ummm, heck yes! Of course, I want to see him again…I like a man that knows how to treat a woman.
Our second date, he took me to the Art Museum…again, he knows I am an artist, so he planned something thoughtful for me. Amazing isn’t it? Maybe, its because he is older than me…Maybe, its because he was taught properly…who knows? But, from experience…I know that this kind of man doesn’t come around often.
So now, I bet you are wondering… “how did she screw it up?” Well, let me tell you…
As I mentioned, I met The Gentleman only one month after getting my heart ripped out! I know this sounds dramatic…but that’s what is felt like. I had never had my heart broken before..I used to be the breaker. I never knew that it physically hurt, I never knew that you wouldn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, and would cry until your tears turned to sand.  I didn’t know how to handle it…do I did the  only thing I could think of…I started dating immediately. I wanted the attention. I wanted to feel like my ex made a terrible decision…because there are tons of guys that would want me. So, I dated everyone that asked… and because I was so emotionally unavailable…a lot of guys asked.  (this is the trick apparently).
I was honest with The Gentleman, I told him that I was dating multiple people…and that I wasn’t ready to settle down. He was fine with this…until I went on a date with someone he knew. (I know, I know…I am an asshole). He was an adult about it. He told me that he was falling for me, and it was too much. He said he knew that it wouldn’t end well for him, and he wanted to bow out now. I freaked! Was I going to throw away the best guy that had ever come my way? Was he the right guy, at the wrong time? I couldn’t stand to let him go. .. so I told him that I would date him exclusively. .. and then I freaked again! Wait, is he my boyfriend? I feel like I'm cheating…even though my ex has been with someone else since before he left me…but I was so devoted to him. Basically, I was an emotional wreck! The gentleman and I dated five days, exclusively. And I couldn’t handle it. He saw it coming. And after some time…has forgiven me for being such a loser.
We are still friends…and I would like to point out, that I didn’t leave him for someone else… I just simply lost my mind!
But, Thanks Gentleman. Thank you, for proving to me that there are really nice guys out there! (side point: for those of you that believe the nice guys finish last…The Gentleman is marrying a total hottie soon…he totally didn’t finish last…so don’t be afraid to be nice).
Ugh, Dating…..Ugh, Timing is everything!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The 5 Stages of Grieving...I mean, Dating!

Dating is a lot like Death... There is a grieving process, and you have to go through all the stages... The longer the relationship or courtship, the more stages you go through.
So, here is a break- down of my experience in the stages of dating:
The Denial Stage: When I meet a guy, and we hit it off, I believe the game is over. He likes me, I like him…its all good! I am in total denial that the ‘Game’ should continue. I don’t pretend that I am busy when I'm not, I don’t intentionally miss his phone calls, or act uninterested.
Here is a scenario to prove the problem with this:
Me: “I like you…youre cute!”
He hears: “I cant wait to see your face everyday for the rest of my life…can you please put a baby in me NOW!”
When I tell someone that I like them…it doesn’t mean I will like them forever. Its like they think the interview process is over. They already got the job, and instantly joined a Union…and they have job security. So now, they can be a lazy jerk head…and more they are more interested in some other job…cause this one, was way too easy to get!
*Note: Boys, if I tell you I like you…that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you…it means that at this moment I like you…that moment can change in a heartbeat…so don’t get too comfortable.
The Anger Stage: This is my second most popular ‘zone’. I get angry when I feel like I'm not being heard…or I'm being taken for granted.  I get angry when someone assumes what my expectations are! I guess this bothers me, because I am so up front with what I want. If I want to be with you exclusively, you will be the first to know…so don’t assume that I have already named our future children because I want to go on a second date!
*Intermission…  (I need to cool off after being in the ANGER ZONE!!!)…
Ok, I'm good… did some meditation, broke some glass, yelled at a neighbor…and may, or may not have called someone a “stupid head”… I feel so much better!
The Bargaining Stage: This is when I think that maybe I jumped to conclusions…maybe, he was having a rough day…or maybe he found out he tiled his bathroom in the wrong pattern. Maybe, I should give him another chance…he seemed like such a great guy! I'm sure something terrible has happened…
I rationalize that he just needs space. He probably is scared that he met the perfect person for him…he didn’t think that he would meet the one he wants to marry so quickly… he needs to get so much accomplished before he can be the man he wants to be…for me.
*Note: The Bargaining Stage is a bunch of Balogna… Whenever I am outside of this stage, I realize how stupid I was…stupid bargaining stage!!!
The Depression Stage: Is it me? Why am I so unlovable? I thought we had fun, I thought we had chemistry…why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? What did I do wrong? Maybe, I will just be alone forever! Maybe its not even worth it! ….and lots of crying!!!
*Luckily…I don’t get to this stage too often… I mean, honestly…its depressing!
The Acceptance Stage: Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be! Thank god, I dodged that bullet! Moving on…Next!
I jump to this stage a lot… Most of my dates never get me to the Bargaining or Depression Stage…thank god!
Ugh, Dating!!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Husband Trainer

Yep…that’s me!
So, today my ex…the only one that has ever broken my heart…is getting married today! Don’t ask me how I know (instead refer to Welcome to Crazy (that’s me)). This year alone, I have had 4 exes get married…these are the ones I know about…so it made me think…hmmmm….there must be some connection…
Yep, I have it all figured out! I, without knowing until now, am a fantastic husband trainer. Maybe this is my calling…maybe this is what my life plans were always meant to be.
Men like to claim that they wish women would be more up front with what they want and need….but these are lies! The truth is: MEN DON’T LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO…and well, I tell them all the time. I am up front with what I want and need in a relationship. I don’t play the “you should already know” game. There is no guessing with me..everything is out in the open (no not my girlie parts…just my thoughts…sheesh).
When you actually tell a man what you want or expect, they have no excuses. They say that they wish women would be more blunt and honest…because they know most women wont do that, and then they have an excuse of why they didn’t….until they meet me!
But, the good news is that…they learn from me what women want…and when they meet you…they will buy you flowers, and tell you that you're beautiful, and take out the trash without being asked. With me, they cant actually do those things…because I tell them I like it…therefore telling them what to do..and they are ALL MAN…No one tells a man what to do!
So, ladies…youre welcome!
 If you would like a list of my exes, I am happy to oblige. Although most are married now…because they learned how to treat a woman right!
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Husband Training!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Ideal Man

Since many of you have been asking me what I am looking for….Here it is.
I want to meet someone like my dog, Lily Pants…except way less K9 and way less female… and preferably less furry (although I am willing to compromise).
She is always happy to see me, always forgives me if I am cranky or crazy, and lets be honest, she is smarter than most of the men I meet. Not to mention, she protects me when I am weak, and cuddles me when I am sad. All in all, she accepts me for who I am… crazy, weird, scattered….all of it.
I want a man that isn’t afraid to show he cares…even if there is a risk of heartbreak. Someone that is smart and witty, and willing to communicate.
I know that no one is perfect. I am willing to compromise. If he wants to chase after dump trucks, and bury my gifts….I can handle that. I would even be willing to pick up his shit…although if this is taken literally…that might get weird.
But, truthfully, I really am just looking for a man. A man that knows who they are, and knows what they want. I tend to be attracted to conservative guys, that own guns and trucks, and like to fix things…but even these are things I can forgo. I just want someone that is honest and grown up enough to not play games. If he plays hard to get…Im over it. I don’t want what I cant have. I don’t play games, and I have no problem telling someone I like them….this is normally where I go wrong…I guess.
Find me a good ole cowboy that likes to take care of his lady…and can still dress up nice J
I'm sure this is what everyone wants…and I'm sure its hard to come by. Maybe this is why I am still single. The truth is though, you still need a connection…and attraction. It can be hard to find the guy that is what I am looking for…and at the same time, be what he is looking for. They say it’s a numbers game. They say there is someone out there for everyone….maybe “everyone” is less picky…who knows!
In the meantime, I'm just working on spells that will turn my dog into a man, a human man.  And when the spell takes, I'm gonna teach that bitch to scratch back!
Ugh, Dating!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer

The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer
Due to the fact that The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer has such a long title, (I mean, lets be honest, you cant say that 5 times fast) I will refer to him as just The Blue Man throughout this story.
I met The Blue Man online (of course) about 6 years ago. I don’t remember much, except that he played drums in a band and wanted to be a Blue Man (with the Blue Man Group), and a firefighter.  He told me that he tried out for The Blue Man Group every year, and every year was denied because he is too tall. Although He was skinny with bulging eyes…you would think his look was perfect! He also was denied getting a job as a firefighter several times, and he kept trying…got to admire the determination!
We went on a few dates and always had a good time. I have always had a bit of a thing for tall and gangly… and he definitely had many interests to talk about. On our third date, I drove to his side of town (which luckily was not far), and was going to just pick him up to go to dinner….yes, I know…sounds like I'm the man. Sometimes, I feel like it with these guys. Anyways, I had directions to his apartment complex, but didn’t know the number…plus, why should I pick him up at the door…Should I have also brought flowers? So, I called him to tell him I arrived, and he asked me to come in, because he needed to finish getting ready. Really? I was a bit scared…Was I going to walk in on him naked? Or was he finishing his makeup? I was a bit hesitant, but I walk up to his door, get my hand ready to shield my eyes, and ring the bell. Thank god! He was fully clothed…looked ready to me. He invited me in, and let me know that he needed to finish his video game.  I had to sit and watch him play his video game for thirty minutes before he was ready to leave for dinner. Come on! I don’t know why, I put up with it. Why I didn’t tell him to shove it and leave…apparently I wasn’t as jaded back in the day. These days, I would have shared with him what it means to be a gentleman and left. Although, maybe I was smarter back then…because I did get free dinner!
Needless to say, I didn’t talk to him again. I don’t even like playing video games, let alone watching someone else play them for half an hour. Sooooo boring!
Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Window Puncher

I met The Window Puncher at a networking event. I was smitten immediately. He was confident, cute, and seemed to really have it all together. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch on a friendly basis. Although, every time we talked I was hoping he would realize how awesome I am, and ask me out. He never did…
So, being the stupid, desperate dater that I am, I asked him to go golfing with me. I had a connection to get a free round of golf and I knew The Window Puncher loved to golf…so I took advantage of the opportunity. Maybe, if he had a chance to spend time with me outside of the business talk…he would fall madly in love. I had it all planned out!
We had a great day golfing. I made cheesy jokes about golf being a Par-tee…and he actually laughed. He is so considerate! We flirted…I think…I mean, I know I flirted…shamelessly. He didn’t seem to want to I think that is a start, right?
We had a few drinks on the golf course and decided to continue the Par-tee (haha…still find it funny) elsewhere. So we dropped our cars off at my house and walked down the street to the local dive bar.
We were having a blast! Drinking, mingling…he sang a few songs at karaoke….all in all, great times. Everyone was telling us how cute we are together. I was loving every second of it.  He was hugging me, and sitting really close. Finally…the plan was starting to work!
We decided to head home, so we said goodbye to all our new bar friends and headed out the door. On the way out…he went crazy…and punched the window at the bar! Glass went everywhere..he was bleeding…and our new friends (ex friends) were yelling.  I didn’t know what happened. I just tried to calm everyone down. I begged the bartender to just let me take him home..he was beyond drunk, apparently. So I gave her my number and told her to call me in the morning…and that I would make sure the damage was paid for. Luckily she agreed.
It was a long walk home. He struggled walking…and he is quite a bit bigger than me…so it was interesting to say the least. And then, of course he tried to kiss me. Nothing I love more than kissing a bleeding drunk dude that can barely stand up on his own. At least I know, I'm super hot with beer goggles!
Finally we got home and I put him in my bed… and turned down all his attempts to try and sleep with me. This was not how I envisioned our love affair starting.
The next morning, we went to breakfast. I asked him if he remembered much. He did. I asked him what the heck happened. He said he didn’t know. He had never done that sort of thing before.  He then told me he was glad that we didn’t do anything…although he said he would of….uh Duh! So, basically, I was that girl. The pathetic girl that the jerk takes advantage of... Although,I don’t think he realized that I have a strict pants on rule….regardless of how much I like someone.  The Window Puncher is the type of guy that makes me grateful for my rules…I would have hated myself the next day when he went back to just treating me like business.
We haven’t seen each other much since that night. The last time I saw him was when he dropped off a check to reimburse me for the window.  And I have since, gotten over (way over) my crush.
Ugh, Dating!... or in this case, Ugh, Crushes!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Non-Dater

This guy/situation was a confusing mess. The reason you ask? Well, its because I have never experienced a Non-Dater before...well, not since college. I'm thirty-two, I haven't had a guy call and ask to "hang out"....and really mean "hang out" in about 10 years.

The background....We met at volleyball months ago. We have always flirted a little bit, but nothing has ever come of it. Mostly because I never took him too seriously... and apparently he is a Non-dater.

One night during a game...he started flirting pretty heavily. And when I say flirting, I mean I was worried he was going to start pulling my hair and kicking me. His flirting skills are a bit old in infantile. After the game, we had a drink and talked. He calmed down a little, and was making me laugh. At the end of the night, he asked if he could call me to hang out sometime. I said sure. At the time, I had a feeling this would go nowhere...but I do believe sometimes you have to try new things. Obviously who I currently go for, isn't what the Heck. And truthfully, I figured, worse case scenario...its research.

So, he called. He asked when I had time to get together. I gave him a few options....and he chose a Sunday night. The truth is, I could care less about football. I like my men tall and Ill stick to basketball. But, The Non-Dater is a huge football fan, and probably should have chosen another day...but he said he wanted to see me. I guess he figured it didn't matter that he spent the whole day drinking..because he planned to continue that through the date...excuse me, Non-date.

Before we met up, i called to see what the plans were. He was obviously at a bar...I asked him if he wanted to get together a different night...he said no. So, I asked him what we were doing. He said, "what do you want to do?".... I said "I want you to make the decision...make a plan, be the man". So he suggested we meet at a local sports bar. How thoughtful!

At this point, I was regretting my decision to go out with him. I would rather go home and sleep. But, I made a commitment....(even if it was partially just to this blog...your welcome!)

I show up at the bar...he is drunk. We go sit down. I told him, he should have chosen a different night to see me. I then asked him what we were doing...Are we just hanging out as friends, are we on a date? He said he doesn't like to label things, and that we are just hanging out to determine if we want to go on a date. What? As far as I'm concerned, we hang out at volleyball. He is that scared of commitment, that he wont even commit to a date? He said,  "dates" have too high of expectations...that you only have one shot to make an impression, and that it is stupid to put all of that pressure on each other. I said, "whatever dude"...He said, I'm not a "dude", I am a "man". I told him I would call him a man when he actually asks me out on a date.

After talking a bit more, it came down to the risk of rejection. He didn't want to take that risk, so he would rather hang out and see where things go. I did this in college, but now, I am a grown woman, and I want a man that is willing to take that risk for me!

So, sorry Non-Dater, your fear of rejection, just lost you any chance at all.

Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Im a One and a Half

I have a theory....which I think we should actually consider as fact. Yep, its fact! When it comes to love and relationships you need to have a minimum of one out of three. The list of Three consists of 1.Personality, 2. Looks, 3. Money. If you don't have an abundance of at least one of these will forever be alone, or worse..stuck with someone else lacking even one.

The beauty of it is that even if you only have one of the three, there is someone that will love you for it. So if you are better start buying those lotto tickets or inventing something genius...or practice your jokes. If you are broke, same thing funny and maybe hit the gym. If you were one of the lucky ones that was born good can get away with much more than most people. But, if I were you...I would shoot for the grail! I mean, at least get a personality. You have the potential to have it all. Most of us, can really only strive for a full 2...maybe 2.5. So hotties, take advantage...the world is your oyster!

I, personally, am striving for my equal, a One and a half. Although, to be honest...who wouldn't want a Two?

Maybe this is why I am single. Maybe, I really am expecting a full 2 out of 3. Although, I really think I just want a smart, witty (full category personality) that is not poverty and doesn't hurt to look at. I think that is a fair expectation. No? I guess that is a full 2. One for personality and half looks, half money. Hmmm.

The point is, I think our scaling of 1-10 is off. I think it is really 0-3. With that said, Bring on a TWO!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I know some of these numbers are subjective. One person may give you a full point for something, that someone else may only give half. So, maybe the goal is to find the one that thinks you are all three. Someone that views you as the holy grail.

So, my fellow daters... I wish you the Grail!

Ugh, Dating!

Monday, October 24, 2011

The High Fiver

I met the High Fiver online. He had two pictures up, that I later learned were from a really good angle.  We chatted online, back and forth, a few times, and exchanged numbers.
On the phone, he was funny and polite. We talked almost every day for about two weeks before we were able to meet. I looked forward to his phone calls, and formed quite a crush on him. I have had this happen several times before, apparently I need to burn my hand off before I realize the stove is hot. I mean seriously, how many times can you be let down before you stop getting your hopes up. I guess I am an eternal optimist. I really do believe there is someone perfect for me out there....although, the pickings are definitely getting slimmer.
I was positive he was going to end my online dating. I was sure that this was it for me. I was going to meet a great guy, that makes me laugh…
I was wrong!
We finally met. He decided on an upscale sushi place…even though I told him that I was coming from a dinner party.
When I saw him walk up…I could tell it was him...just a fatter, older, version of him with bad skin. I can overlook all of these things if the personality is amazing. But, I have to say, it is tough to get over how much this person stretched the truth to start with.
So we awkwardly embraced, and said hello. We took a seat at the bar to wait for a table, and ordered a drink.  He was extremely cocky in how he carried himself and spoke. It’s amazing how well these traits can be masked over the phone.
He asked me a few questions, like if I have ever seen an episode of Jersey Shore. As much as I hate to admit it, I had. I saw 2 episodes with the Compulsive Liar (you will learn about him at a later date). So I told the High Fiver that I had indeed killed a few brain cells on that show.  He responded by giving me a high five. Umm….ok? I didn’t make a scene about it, just went with it. I now, wish I would have faked an oncoming illness and ran for the door. But instead, I followed him to the table. Yes, you did read that correctly, I followed him. He wasn’t much of a gentleman.
At dinner, we each ordered  one more drink, and he ordered something to eat. He asked me if I liked sushi. I told him only because I love wasabi. He high fived me. He asked me if I like sports. I told him that I really love going to Suns games. He high fived me. This went on all of dinner. My hand was red for an hour after the date, from the endless high fiving. That’s the good part of talking on the phone, they can’t high five you. Although I bet, after experiencing his love of a good high five, that he air fived me millions of times during that first two weeks on the phone.
Finally we left. I was cordial, and nice….and drove off as fast as I could.
He later texted me to tell me he had a great time, but he wasn’t sure how I felt. I texted him that I had a wonderful time, but I didn’t feel a connection. He told me that since I pride myself in being honest that now was time to prove it…he wanted to know why. I told him that I have no interest in being mean. So he proceeded to text yell at me…in CAPITALS. He told me that it was awful and rude for me to let him pay for my drinks, when I knew I had no interest. How dare I waste his time and money. I told him that I was obviously right about the decision I made about him and that I only had two drinks. He text yelled some more about how he is a great catch. He was really starting to sell me...I reconsidered...all the text YELLS really had me thinking.. maybe, I judged too quickly. So we went out again, and have since been dating for weeks now. ahhh Love, so so sweet.
Ummm....ok... What really happened, is...
I stopped responding. I am not going to feed into a Crazo. There can only be one crazo per couple, and I am pretty sure I have that covered.
Eventually, he stopped text yelling.
The truth is, I  felt defeated after the High Fiver. I had him so built up to be the man I was looking for…and it was quite a disappointment.
After him, I cancelled my online profile and took a break. The High Fiver inspired me to appreciate the single life…
For a while…
Ugh, Dating!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Gene Simmons

Sometimes….Ok, most of the time, I make the mistake of talking too much. I let it all out, right up front.  I tell these poor boys exactly whats on my mind…good or bad. 

At the time of Gene Simmons, I was following a new theory. The theory was created because I tend to end up with guys that I have amazing chemistry with, but no connection. I thought that I might be dismissing nice guys because I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach or the overall feeling of needing to vomit (in a good way). I thought that maybe if I spent more time with them, I would grow to like them.  I was wrong…the theory is stupid! And it is even more stupid when you tell the guy on your date about your new theory. I did this to Gene Simmons. I told him that regardless of how I felt, I was going to give every guy at least three dates to win me over. I cant believe he even wanted to go out with me.

So on date one, I spilled the beans. From then on out, it is all he would talk about…wanting to make it to date four. Although, now that I think about it...maybe this was pure genius! Guys love a competition. Let them compete for date four...and get royal treatment in the meantime! Ugh, I wish I could do that!

So Anyways, before I spilled the beans of my dating plans… we  actually talked about a few other topics, like my obsession with watches. I think it is sexy when a guy wears them…and when I do. ;) I think its because, I assume that when a man wears a watch, he will be on time. Nothing sexier than a punctual guy! Gene (yes, first name basis), told me his mom lived in New York and was always buying knock off watches…and that they looked legit. I smiled and nodded and told him how cool I thought that was…although I didn’t. I know, I am spoiled.but when it comes to a watch, I like the real thing. The weight, the feel, the function. So Hot!

On date two, Gene kept telling me that he was getting me a gift…that was sure to get him to date four. Yes, he actually said this. He wanted to mail it to me, but I wouldn’t give him my address. You just never know, when they are going to go crazy. I asked him if he was going to send flowers. He said that he was way more “in tune” than that. Oh geez… although I have to admit, I love presents…so I was intrigued. We finished the date with a kiss. Not great, not terrible. But eh!

On date three, we met at a restaurant, and he walked towards me with his hands behind his back. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. I did, even though I was a bit hesitant. I don’t know why, maybe cause I grew up with two brothers, but I always expect a slug or booger, or something sticky and gross to be put in my hand..especially with my eyes closed and my defenses down. 

Anyways,  I open my eyes..he gave me a watch. Like he had just taken it off and put it in my hand. It was masculine and needed to be cleaned. He was so proud of himself. He told me he called his mom and had her pick it out special for me. Really? You asked her to pick me out a dirty, man watch? Wow! Even though most of my thoughts fall out of my mouth…I was able to just smile and tell him how wonderful it was. You never want to act like you don’t like it, because you want the presents to keep coming….and eventually they will have to get a good one in there.

So during dinner, he told me that when he was a kid, they severed the tendon under his tongue…so now he was like Gene Simmons…(finally his name makes sense).  I didn’t really know how to respond. Umm that’s nice?

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, and went in for a kiss. During it, all I could think about was how he was able to control that thing. What if he loses muscle control and gags me! Gross! I don’t want to suffocate by a third date tongue. 

Luckily, I got through the kiss…and went out with him one more time. I went on date four because I felt guilty. He was so motivated to get there, and its not his fault he has a freakish tongue…and he did buy me (or find me) a really manly watch...and most importantly, I love frozen yogurt. 

During the date, we had nothing to talk about. Since he made it to date four, he didn’t need to talk about whether or not he would get there…so there was just awkward silences. Finally, he said, he could tell that I am not feeling it. So we hugged and parted ways.

He still will randomly send me emails… but I am still not interested.

Ugh, Dating!

Monday, October 10, 2011

An Ass out of U and Me

I like to assume things....I know this is stupid, but I do it constantly. So I thought I would share one of these assumptions.

Boob Men, Ass Men, and Leg Men.

I personally like Boob Men! I imagine that they like big, natural, boobs. I got em! I also think they are accustomed to a thicker girl..because it is a rarity to find a skinny girl with naturally big boobs. I know it isn't fair. There are also really pretty girls that also have a personality!!! I know, I know, its B.S., but it happens! The point is that it seldom happens...naturally. Anyways, so I am more confident and at ease when I am dating a Boob Man.

Ass Men like....a nice ass...or maybe a big ass. Not gonna lie, I got that too! But, big but(t)...hahahah, I assume Ass Men go for a more athletic girl, because lets be honest....Athletic girls normally have the nicest butts! Again,I am sure this is not always the case...but if you have been reading these, you should know that I have a problem with listening and overall...being rational.

I would like to mention that I recently had a conversation with an Ass Man, and he totally disagreed with this statement. He said he definitely prefers curves all around. God Bless him! But, you got to know...I am stuck in my ways!

Leg Men....pretty self explanatory...and I just cant compete! I can honestly say, I have never dated a Leg Man....and I don't plan on starting. Although, I will immediately start some squats and lunges...just in case!

I think my point is....Where are the Boob Men at? ;) 

Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Ugly Artist

Or, as some of my friends used to call him, U.A. He was my first major crush. I was 16. I met him at Jamaican Blue Coffee House, my favorite hangout through high school. He was tall and skinny and ate like a dinosaur… mostly because his neck was too skinny to really support that big head! He wore black fly sunglasses with clear prescription lenses and his teeth were at war with each other. Normally teeth are a big deal to me, since I come from 5 generations of dentists. In fact, the number one thing my dad points out on women is their “nice teeth”…but for some reason The Ugly Artist's teeth didn’t bother me.
My friends all told me I could do better…but I was smitten. They can be gangly, awkward, and weird…but if they are funny or talented, they have a chance with me. Especially if they tell me I’m beautiful. Then I am pretty much sold! Its amazing how some things never change!
He worked at the coffee house and sold his art there. His paintings were painful and disturbing, and I was intrigued immediately. He painted women spitting out their souls and devils and anything else morbid. Obviously, I was inspired… a way to be more dramatic at 16. Ummm….Heck yes!
At the time, I had wounded bird syndrome, I wanted to save everyone and love the heck out of them. And his paintings told me that he needed to be saved! Not to mention I was going through a deep and brooding time in life. You know how it is when you’re young, no one really understands you… except for maybe an Ugly Artist.
So, I would hang out as often as possible when he worked and would sit at the counter and draw, and smoke to look cooler….and older. (no worry, I have since quit). He would tell jokes, and I would laugh like it was the funniest thing I had ever heard…lets be honest though, I find lots of things hilarious, including myself. Haha (point made).
He drew me an eye on a napkin, it said “I cant help but look deep into your eyes”. He would also whisper in my ear that I was the most beautiful girl in the place. I might have been the only girl in there… but I didn’t care, he told me I was beautiful…even if just by comparison to men, or coffee grinds. I am a sucker for sweet nothings! (boys...please don't take the use of the word 'sucker' out of context!)
Now you can see why I was in love. Ok, maybe not love, but at the time I was positive we would marry and have 2 kids and 2 dogs and live happily ever after. Even though I was deep and brooding I still wanted the picket fence fairytale. (By the way, I still have that napkin)
He eventually moved to New York City to pursue his art….and I was crushed. But don’t worry I got to make out with him once about a year later (when I was case you were concerned)….and then, well, I was over it.
Ugh, Dating!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Other Profile

So here is the other profile...

I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I also like…. Well… I guess that’s it. Yep, pina coladas and rain. If you are also a fan of these things, send me a message, if not…. Good luck with your search!

I may, or may not, be a smarty pants. And I may, or may not, really love the word ‘pants’.
The truth is: Internet dating is tough…it’s tough to make a lasting first impression on someone with a picture, and to those of you that actually read past the picture, a bio. I think everyone had different sides to them…so which side do you represent? I think most people are going to show their toughest, coolest, and most kick ass side. I think I will share all sides…the good, the bad and the ugly. Might as well know what you are getting into up front, right?

Good: I am sometimes funny, depending on who you ask. I can dress up black tie and be classy, and I can dress down in jeans and t-shirt and roll in dirt (as long as there are no bugs)…and I enjoy all of it. I am extremely loyal, never cheated…never would. I am honest to a fault, and you will always know where you stand with me.  I have no baggage. My family rocks the casbah, and they will be nice to you. Somedays I am smart, others…it’s a toss up. Its easy to make me you will always think that you are super funny. And most importantly, my mom says I am worth a million dollars.

Bad: patience is not my virtue. I like lots of attention. I get cranky when I am hungry or tired. I have super high standards. (mostly because I have amazing brothers, and I know what men are capable of).  I have an addiction to shoes. I cry when I see a cockroach. I will cover a bug with a cup and duct tape it down, waiting for you to come dispose of it. I am not a great cook…although I try.

Ugly: this is what I am when I wake up or work out ;)

Overall, I think the good outweighs the bad…hopefully you think so too.
I am looking for someone that meshes with me. Someone that brings out more of the good, and less of the bad….the ugly is probably unavoidable. Sorry ;) I am attracted to gentlemen. I can take care of myself, but I want someone that wants to take care of me (I don’t mean financially). I mean someone that takes pride in being a man. Someone that likes to have fun, but can also have an intelligent debate. Someone that likes to travel and explore and be active. And overall, someone that is genuine!

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Creepy Perv

As you all have started to notice…I have been on LOTS of dates. One of the things I have started to notice is that the more excited I am to meet someone, the more horrifying they are. This was no exception with The Creepy Perv. This actually may have been one of the worst ones yet!!!

We met online, which is apparently a breeding ground for serial killers and creepos! Which might be a bit unfair for me to say, because I think he was my first serial killer…but definitely not my first creepo. And lets be honest, we have all read the stories. Which is why I always meet at a public place and never tell them my last name... I don't want to end up in a Hefty bag.
We chatted a few times on the phone, it seemed we had quite a bit in common. I only had one clue that he was creepy… I told him that I plan to get my deviated septum fixed and that I am excited to be able to breath better…should make exercising easier, etc… he said “breathing problems huh? How are you during sex?”. Ugh, really? I said “I will not even respond to that.” I cut him a break because I know boys (or lets be honest... women too) can be pervs….and I chalked it up to him just being a guy…a stupid guy.
(note: guys-if you are reading this… keep your dirty comments to yourself… nothing turns a girl OFF faster than cheesy sex comments…before you have even had sex…or kissed for that matter.)
He called, asked me out, and suggested a restaurant to go to. I was impressed. Way to be a man, Creepy Perv!
I was excited to meet him. He seemed to be on top of things.
We meet. He is way less attractive in person…which made it really awkward when he asked if he looked like his photos. “uh…sure….ummm….yeah you do (as I look to the right)…do I?” I didn’t really care if I looked like my pictures…I know I do. I even make sure to put a few up that aren’t as flattering…I want people to know what they are getting…not show up and be disappointed….like I usually am.
We sit down to eat…luckily I love the restaurant he chose. And the dim lighting is making him way more tolerable to look at. He asks if I want an appetizer. I say “I don’t need one… but if you put it in front of me, I will probably eat it.” He says “promise?”….as he winked, with a perverted smirk on his ugly, stupid face. And then I threw up on him while I was punching him! Ok…maybe that was just what happened in my head. The reality was I pretended I didn’t hear him, and mentioned the guacamole.
During dinner, we talk about whatever random (no way to make them sexual) interests that I can come up with. We started with movies. He mentions that he likes horror flicks.. I tell him that I am not a fan…no way, I scare myself. I let him know that I can be almost paranoid about watching my surroundings, etc. and then I say “its silly because I really doubt I would ever be a target…I don’t look like prey.” He says, “you never know, someone might want the challenge”…while raising his eyebrows and grinning at me. Seriously? Get me the F out of here!!!
At this point, I was trying to think about how I could pretend to go to the bathroom and take off. But the tables are close together and it would be hard to get by him without touching him. Not to mention, how could I pretend I am just going to the bathroom, and take my left-overs?
So, we continue talking. We talk about our exes. I talked about how I joined a singles group right after I had my heart broken… and how much it helped me, but that it was tough at times because there was someone spreading rumors that I was sleeping with everyone…and then, that I was a tease.  The Creepy Perv said “well I guess we will see which one you are after tonight.” I said “I can tell you right now, there is no way in hell anything is happening”. He said “so, you are a tease then..haha”. Its times like these, where I regret not telling someone to give me an ‘emergency call’.
Again, I didn’t leave. As I am writing this, I am embarrassed that I didn’t. I should have thrown down my napkin, told him he was disgusting (and 40lbs heavier than his picture), and stormed out. But I guess when you are in the midst of it all, you go into survival mode…and it doesn’t fully register until you are out of there…and blogging about it.
So, the date continued… He mentioned guns, because I had told him in an email, that I had been shooting before and I really enjoyed it. He said he owns tons of guns...and a bow and arrow. I asked him if he hunts. He said he did. I asked what. He just smiled and winked at me. CREEPY!!! I said “are you going to tell me what you hunt or are you going to just sit there and look creepy?” So, he said elk, etc. and that he recently shot one and has a bunch of meat in his fridge if I want some…. Ummm, no thanks! I have never eaten Elk and I wouldn’t know if it tasted like the “other white meat”…so I am not going to take that chance.
We eat…and then he orders coffee…and is just dragging along…Ugh, get me out of here!!! Finally, I tell him that I need to get home and that I told him I wanted to be home 20 minutes ago. So he grabs the bill and says “ill get this one”… uh, do you see me reaching for my wallet?
I hit the restroom on the way out and text my friend that if she doesn’t hear from me in five minutes to call the cops! This guy might try to kidnap me!
We walk out, and he starts to walk with me. I ask him where he is parked. He says he will walk me to my car. Finally a guy walks me to my car…except this one probably has a cloth soaked in chloroform just waiting for the right moment!
Luckily….I'm still here…..with a knife strapped to my thigh...just in case!
Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Democrat

First off, I would like to make clear, that I don’t care what political party you follow or what vision you preach; but I do care that you allow others to have opposing opinions without insulting  their intelligence.

So with that said, I met the Democrat online, and we made plans to get a drink at a trendy bar in Scottsdale (this may sound repetitive, but there really are a lot of trendy bars/restaurants in Scottsdale).

He was a bit pale for my type, but still very cute. We chatted about jobs, family, hobbies, etc. And then he mentioned politics… I am a big fan of political debate, and really debate on just about anything. But, big, big BUT, I think this conversation is better left out on the first date.  So, I told him we should leave this discussion for another time.

He said “are you unable to have an adult conversation?”

I could have been an “adult”, and just said farewell at this moment. But instead, I stayed. I stayed and wasted time and breath on a total jerk face!

He told me his views on a few issues, I told him my views on a few issues, including our president, and…

He said “do you lack the intelligence to do anything but quote Fox News?”

I said “that’s funny coming from the guy, quoting CNN and puffing out his chest….you think you are so much better than me, but really, you are a narcissistic, A**hole!” And then I reached into my purse for some money to pay for my drink.

He told me he would pay the bill. I told him “that I wouldn’t allow him to leave this place feeling like a gentleman, when really he was an egotistical jerk”! He was condescending and rude…and he thinks he can pay for my drink and feel like a man….I don’t think so! I wanted to take that Obama shirt he loves so much and shove it somewhere….but I didn't, because….I am a lady! ;)

I threw down my money, and walked out!

Ugh, Dating!