Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Great Kisser…or so he says!

I met The Great Kisser online. We have never met, never talked, and only sent two emails back and forth. I know what you’re wondering… “If you have never met, how do you know he is a great kisser?”. That is a wonderful question… and I know, because he told me! 

I like to ask guys online to tell me a few random facts about themselves. I am a big fan of this question, because you find out some crazy things right out of the gate. It’s a good question to see if you want to ever ask another question again. I have gotten responses on where they are from, all the way to what position they like (I know…as I mentioned, it’s a good one to weed out the morons or perverts quickly). 

The Great Kisser only responded one fact…and that was that he is a great kisser. There are a few (yes, three) problems with this:

 One: I requested a ‘FEW’ random facts. He either doesn’t know what “a few” means (hint: three…as shown above), or he doesn’t take direction well. I could find problems in both of these issues. 

Two: How does he know he is such a great kisser? Does he sit around all day making out with himself? The mirror?  What if I’m not as good as him, and so he just chooses himself over me? I’m not sure if I could handle such rejection.  Or, maybe girls tell him all the time how amazing he is. I looked at his photos, he doesn’t look to be like the Almighty Best Kisser in the World…but of course, I don’t really know what that looks like anyways. I’m sure everyone has had someone that said they were a great kisser…but how many times has this guy heard it, to start conversations with it. I mean, that was his one random fact! He felt it to be such an important fact, that he left out the other two.  

Three: Is this all he has to offer? He couldn’t come up with any other facts? Don’t get me wrong, kissing is great…but you want to take breaks once in awhile to eat and whatnot… If all he has to offer is kissing…what would we do during meals? Kissing with food in your mouth is just gross. I am just not that adventurous! 

So what do I do? Do I pursue this, and find out just how good of a kisser he is. I mean, if he knows he is great…he must be amazing, right? Or, do I just pass him up because he is a tool. Not a good tool that fixes things. Like an amazing kissing tool (is there such a thing?) ….but a useless tool that you never need for anything….especially not kissing.

I think I will save my precious time for some other disappointment… and who knows, maybe one day, for a pleasant surprise! 

Ugh, Dating!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Welcome to the danger….I mean, friend zone!

I don’t really know what was wrong with Mr. Friend Zone...maybe, just lack of chemistry? I just never had any desire to kiss him…and if I wanted to date someone that I never wanted to kiss, I would go for a woman… ideally a woman that loves to cook and clean. That would be awesome!

I met Mr. Friend Zone online (like I even have to say this…). We talked for hours on the phone. We had quite a bit in common, and have the same sense of humor. We covered a lot of territory before we even met. I knew his interests, his job, about his family, his political preferences, how he got his dog….like I said…lots of territory was covered. This just made it stressful to meet… I mean, what are we going to talk about? I had already used every question that came to mind. I even started looking up first date questions online. (Yes…this is true). Sure, I could use more of those questions…but what if I can’t remember them because I’m nervous? It would look ridiculous to have a note sheet on a date (maybe I should cheat and write notes on my hand).These are all reasons why I like to meet sooner than later. You get all worked up, and excited…and then you meet, and there is no chemistry. What a waste of emotions!

And I did waste all those emotions...but I think it is understandable. I mean, Mr. Friend Zone actually called. He would text, but not too much...and never once sent me a picture of himself that said "in case you don't know already, I love you like a fat kid loves cake". (yes, this happened, and no, I hadn't even met the guy yet...and yes,  I'm still a bit traumatized). So, of course I was excited to meet him!

Our first date, we went to coffee. It was a Friday night. We met pretty late because I had boot camp…and obviously needed to shower before-hand. I can smell myself after boot camp…and well, it’s just not pleasant. 

So, anyways we went to coffee. Everything seemed fine. He was cute. Not entirely my type…but I have dated (and fallen for) lots of guys that weren’t.  We talked. Conversation seemed to go okay. There were times where he would say “so…what else?”  Uh…I don’t know. This is what I was worried about. I mean, I am a talker…but there is only so much I can do. But, luckily I studied that question list, and could throw out a few topics here and there, and rev the conversation back up. 

He seemed to be very expressive, and animated… except towards me. He never made one attempt to make any physical connection. I don’t want him to start molesting me…but isn’t it normal to try to touch someone that you’re interested in?  You know, like laughing and touching the persons arm…or whatever lame excuse you can use. He kept his distance. But at the same time, I could tell he was interested. It was weird. Or maybe, it’s just that I tend to be more affectionate. 

 We ended up closing the coffee shop down (I know…party animals!), and moved outside. Which meant that I would have to pee in ten minutes…just cause that’s how my bladder works (at the most inconvenient times). So, about fifteen minutes (thanks for the extra five, bladder) after they locked the doors, I told Mr. Friend Zone that I need to use the restroom and wondered if they would let me in. So we knocked on the door, and did the universal “pee-pee dance”. They wouldn’t open the door… so, we tried Chipoodle (or as some call it, Chipotle), next door… same thing. Mr. Friend Zone was getting agitated. He kept saying (well, yelling) that we don’t want food; we just need to use the bathroom.  I told him that it’s no big deal…we can walk across the parking lot to the fast food restaurant. He still seemed agitated.  Fortunately, lady luck was on our side…and the place was open…. Phew! But, I got to say, I was a bit concerned with how agitated he got. Is this a red flag? It’s hard with blind dates… who knows. Maybe he was upset because he wanted to make sure I was taken care of? Every other aspect of him seemed to be very passive. He seemed to be a caretaker. But, regardless, I decided it was time to say goodnight. I gave him a hug. He asked to see me again. I said yes. I was still hanging on to the first impression...too bad, that was all on the phone. We should just date long distance. Well, pretend to...because he lives fifteen minutes from me... but, I'm sure that would get old.... Anyways...

The next day, he called and asked me to dinner. He suggested LoLo’s. I thought this was a strange date place, but I had been wanting to try it…so it worked for me. Although, again, I was stressed about the conversation aspect. I was getting drained on working so hard. I’m not sure if he was just tough to talk to, or if we just covered too much already. And without creating new memories, all you have is the old ones. 

 I just wished he would have suggested some sort of activity…like the gun club. That would have been perfect. No talking, an excuse for touch (him showing me how to shoot the gun), and then something to talk about later. (I know now, to just suggest these things).

But dinner it was. And it was amazing! Best chicken and waffle ever! But the company was…ugh.

After dinner, we went to coffee again. (He doesn’t drink…which was maybe part of the problem). We talked for an hour and then I told him I had to get going to meet up with some friends. He walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and lingered. I think he wanted to kiss me…but he was standing three feet away…and I’m not going to do the work for him. So, it was awkward, I said goodbye. 

He called me the next day to ask me out again. I told him that he deserves the respect of me being honest (after all, he really did seem like a nice guy). I told him that I didn’t think we were a great match. That I didn’t think we had chemistry (although…I couldn’t really know because he never got close enough for me to tell). He handled it like a champ, and told me to call him if I change my mind.

I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know if I’m holding out for someone perfect. Although, I think it is sad that dating has gotten so depressing, that I really wanted to make Mr. Friend Zone work. I wanted to make it work because he was a gentleman…but ultimately…I need the spark!

Ugh, Dating!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Twitchy Pot Smoker

I met the Twitchy Pot Smoker online, of course. The problem with online dating is you can’t tell from the pictures that the guy is twitchy, or high. Maybe they should start having videos instead of pictures so you can get a better vibe…although, that could be terrifying. I’m sure there would be endless videos that would be dirty, surprising, and traumatizing. There are tons of profiles with guys half naked, pulling their pants down just high enough to not be banned from these sites. I’m not joking…I have seen more than I bargained for on several profiles. So, at least the Twitchy Pot Smoker had clothes on in all his pictures.

It started by email. It started with cute conversations about how awesome our dogs our, and how awesome we are for both having Border collie breeds (well, I think mine is), and naming them Lily (although his had two ‘LL’…which should have been my first warning). We didn’t email much before deciding to meet…Which is how I like it. I’m not a fan of emailing, or as you know…texting, forever. I would rather meet and determine if I want to waste any more of my time and life on this stranger. (well, I guess it wouldn't be a waste...if I wanted to spend more time with him). So, he took my number. He texted just a few times, and didn’t ask any involving questions…so I thought this was looking good.

 Then he texted, asking me to send a photo for his contacts. I thought this was weird…and annoying. Can’t we just meet first to determine if I will even remain in his contacts? A friend of mine told me to relax…Maybe he has gone on dates with girls that looked 20 years older, or 100lbs heavier than their photos. Ugh….Fine. I sent him a photo… and secretly wished I could cancel the date. Maybe, this makes me sound crazy and unforgiving…but I’m kind of a pro now, and internet dating pro, and my patience is almost completely depleted. But, I guess that defeats the purpose…so I went on the date….Bad call!

He made me chose the place…which I also found irritating…isn’t that the man’s job? Not to mention, I hate making decisions… there are just so many wonderful options…how would you chose the right one? But, luckily for me, I was with a friend (cutting her hair), and she suggested a place. I love decisive people! And…she also, gave me a stern talking to (well, not really), and explained that the guy just moved here…he probably doesn’t know where to go. Fine…I'll get over it…but I’m not going to be excited!

So, we met at a dive bar. He was cute….but twitchy. I thought it was weird…but maybe he had a gallon of coffee before? Maybe, it’s some kind of ailment…and I shouldn’t judge? But then…he couldn’t look me in the eye…I could barely hear him talk because he was looking down or away…and I’m deaf (seriously…it’s becoming a problem. You can only say “what?” so many times). But…maybe he is just super shy and nervous?

When I would ask questions, he tried to avoid answering… he said he didn’t want me to change my opinion of him…What opinion? Did he think I had a good opinion so far? Did he just not want to make it any worse? 

He finally started talking more. He told me that he used to have long dreads and was a hardcore hippy. He told me that he is super liberal. I told him that I’m super conservative. He then started asking why I don’t think people should have healthcare. He told me that his mom died when he was 17 of cancer. He let me know it’s terrible that I am conservative. I told him that he is generalizing conservatives. Just because I follow one party more than the other…doesn’t mean that I follow everything…and just because I don’t like the health reform plan, doesn’t mean I don’t think there needs to be changes.

At this point the bouncer came over and said… “Hey you guys are breaking bar rules. You never talk about politics here…” I laughed and agreed. I told the Twitchy Pot Smoker that we probably won’t be a great match…he said we would. He said it would be fun. I said that I need another drink. He said he did too. …and then he just walks to the bar. He doesn’t ask me what I want. He just gets his drink and sits back down…so I get up and grab my own. Turns out, I know the bartender. He finds my situation hysterical. He couldn’t believe that the awkward guy was my date. He makes my drink extra strong…and tells me ill need it.

So, I sit back down. The Twitchy Pot Smoker admits he smokes weed…regularly. He says he has a medical card for it and that it’s awesome. I disagree. 

He tells me he loves 3D movies. I disagree….they make me car sick. This statement seemed to really upset him. He could handle the millions of other disagreements…but not liking 3D movies was a hard hit...apparently. But he said that he could get over it because I’m so pretty. Ummm….thanks?

Throughout the conversation, he had been throwing out cheap shots about my political beliefs. I had been patient, knowing that I don’t have to see him again…and trying to be polite. But, he threw out one too many. I told him that we are obviously not a match and that I’m gonna go home. I had only one sip from my drink, so it was very obvious I couldn’t handle anymore. He said”really? You can’t take a joke?” I said “apparently not”. So he ran to the bar and closed his tab…and I waited until he was long gone. I chatted with my friend, the bartender.

I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that likes to hunt, and fix things. The bouncer walked up, put out his hand and said “so, hi I’m The Bouncer” (ok…he didn’t say Bouncer, but in case I blog about him later, I need to protect his identity). I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that is conservative….The bouncer put out his hand again, smiled and said hi. Then the Bouncer told me to make my list. A list of what I am looking for. He said to put boxes next to each one, and told me he will check off the ones he fits in….so I did.

I made a list. He checked off every box (although some were half checked), and then he asked me for my number…. So we’ll see what happens. But starting off….it’s looking way better that the Twitchy Pot Smoker….at least the Bouncer looked me in the eyes.

Ugh, Dating!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Date That Never Happened… because he was an Over-Texter

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I require lots of attention… I’m an Aries, the first sign of the zodiac…often referred to as the sign of the infant child. This pretty much sums me up. I get cranky when I’m tired, hungry, or needing to be coddled. Some find this adorable and endearing (those that love kids…and have ridiculous amounts of patience), others get quite irritated. So, it’s basically a blessing and a curse. And, really, I can’t be held responsible… I mean, it was written in the stars long ago.  

I’m telling you this for some insight into how excessive the Over-Texter was. I mean, I love attention…lots of it, and he still managed to over-do it. 

I met him online…. Yes, I’m back and already regretting the decision… But, I’m dedicated to you, my readers, who are highly entertained by the greatness I bring out in people. So, with that said… You are welcome!

Anyways… so we met online, and started emailing. I highly prefer talking over emailing, so I am pretty quick to give my number out. I do this to talk….not to text. If the conversation is going to stick to writing…I have no need to hand out the digits. I swear texting is ruining relationships! I tend to be on the sarcastic side…how can someone know if they can’t hear the tone of my voice? And, more importantly, who wants to take 20 minutes to have a conversation that could normally take 2 minutes…this is another side affect of being an Aries, patience is not my virtue. I like taking the quickest route to a destination. It’s a sprint not a marathon, right?

So, the Over-Texter got my number…and of course just started texting away. I was able to handle it at first. I have gotten used to the fact that guys don’t call anymore, they text. I mean, it takes no balls to text…there is no fear of embarrassing rejection, or the terrifying chance that the phone won’t be answered…and, god- NO, he would have to leave a message. Which is why whenever a guy actually calls first, he has much better odds with me to start. The Over-Texter didn’t take those odds. 

It all started slow… just questions about where he could take me to dinner. I was patient. (Even though figuring out a place to eat took half an hour. Yes, I spent half an hour of my life just figuring out where to have dinner…I could have eaten dinner in less time.) But, I was patient.  

And then it all went downhill. He started asking where my family lives, if I am close with them, etc… all questions that are meant to be talked about…not texted.  My answers started becoming shorter and shorter…so then he asked if I had questions for him… I responded by saying that I’m going to bed. 

And then day two hit… I woke up to a text…and a picture of him (luckily not a dirty one…or maybe, that would have been better, so then I wouldn’t have endured another day of incessant texting).  And, stupid me...responded. This started a whirlwind of text. He told me about his family, asked me if my parents are divorced… At this point, my patience was wearing thin. My answers were averaging one word. I yelled out loud when I heard my phone buzz.  It was getting ugly. And then, he told me his dad died twelve years ago. I apologized. He told me that his family is all spread out…but they are still super close. And then, he asked what music I like. I told him we should save something to talk about on Sunday, when we had a date planned. I told him I have limited patience with texting and that I would much prefer talking when I meet him in two days. He said ok… Five minutes later …yes, just five minutes, he asked if I like dive bars, and began telling me all about one that he goes to. I responded with one word. And then he asked if I live with roommates… I didn’t respond. He sent another text letting me know that he lives alone in an apartment.  I then sent another text, letting him know that I am busy…and done texting. I told him we can talk when we meet. 

He managed to leave me alone for six hours…and then asked how my day was. I told him I was going to bed.

Next day, first thing, I get a text. He let me know everything he had going on that day. Then he asked if I like coffee. I said yes. He then asked how I dress when I go out…do I wear heels or flip flops. I didn’t respond. He let me know that he wears jeans and t-shirts. I didn’t respond. He waited four hours, and asked “what’s up?”. I still didn’t respond. He sent me three more texts, and an email, before he finally gave up. 

As I mentioned, I require lots of attention…but the Over-Texter took attention to a whole new level. It became creepy. He seemed obsessed. I was supposed to go to dinner with him tonight. I decided it would be a bad decision. What if he followed me home? What if he tried to kidnap me and force me to text forever?  Being texted to death sounds like hell to me! These thoughts keep me up at night, clutching my shotgun!

So…on to the next one. I hope he doesn’t have a phone!

Ugh, Dating!