Thursday, March 29, 2012


Normally I don’t use actual names…but in this instance I had to…I think it really adds to the overall description of the guy.  I apologize if your name is also Dirk…Im sure you are totally cool and this will not at all apply to you.
Many years ago, I made the mistake of telling my friends that I like tall, skinny, geeks. This is a mistake, I will not make again….this mistake led me to Dirk.
Before I paint a picture (verbal picture…not actual painting…I am already traumatized enough by the memory, I don’t need a visual reminder), let me tell you how it all started…
My friend told me that she works with a guy, he does IT and is single and looking. She told me he is exactly what I am looking for, based on my descriptions. She told me that he is skinny and geeky. I was like “hell yeah! Set me up!”… I love skinny geeks.
Now, I think I should elaborate on what and why I go for the skinny geeks. When I say skinny, I don’t mean emaciated…close, but not quite. I like skinny, because I am not… I figure it is my obligation to give my kids a fighting chance. I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat, and eat, and eat….and never gain weight. I think that sounds amazing! And if I truly plan on loving my kids someday, I should try to give them what I didn’t get..right? With that said, I also don’t want to feel like I am going to crush bones when I hug someone. It really is a fine line…but important one!
As for the geek aspect….I don’t mean socially inept. I mean goofy and silly. Maybe, I should have said dork? Maybe geek means smart and weird, dork is silly and goofy? Maybe that’s where I went wrong… The thing is, I need someone silly…because I am. I don’t want to be with someone that just looks at me like I'm an idiot all day…I have had this happen…its awkward for both people.
So, anyways, now that you know what I mean…let me tell you what my friend did to me. (who, by the way, still laughs uncontrollably to this day, when thinking about it…so cruel). She decided that she would invite Dirk to her house warming party to meet me. She gave me a heads up…so I made sure to look super cute.
I got to the party before him…and when his bike rolled up, she elbowed me and pointed… at this point I wanted to run…what was she thinking? Dirk was beyond geeky…he was a neek….nerd-geek! His pants were hiked up past his belly button, and I knew this because his shirt was tucked in to show that extra high waist. He had black Reebok sneaker high tops on (everything on this guy rode high, apparently)… and he was on the line of emaciated…remember its an important line. If I accidentally stepped on this guy, I might kill him…which is also why I would be afraid to own a Chihuahua. Point being…he was not my type…at all!
But…I didn’t run. I stayed and prayed that my friend did not tell him about me. No such luck. He was following me around her house like a dog (or Chihuahua...). The conversation was was mostly awkward silences with a lot of staring on his part.
At one point, my phone alarm rang…and he asked me what it was for. I said “nothing..just a reminder to take my medication”. He said “ooh, are you on birth control? So, you can have sex whenever you want? That’s great!”. I was speechless…uh, what just happened…I felt violated. So I walked away, and tried desperately to get involved in intense conversations with others at the party. Dirk took this opportunity to get beyond drunk. And lucky for me, he passed out on the couch. Sweet, sweet freedom! I was able to enjoy the rest of the party and go home.
The next day, my friend let me know that Karma had gotten her... Dirk had spent several hours vomiting after everyone else had gone home. Good job Dirk!!! Way to get her back for me!
I learned some valuable lessons back then… I know to never trust that friend again (with set-ups only…otherwise I love her), I know to elaborate in explicit detail what my definition is of a skinny geek (cause yes, that’s still my type), and to always have an escape route.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Dirk!

Monday, March 12, 2012

The cougar chaser

Ok….so technically, I am a Puma.  He taught me that age 30-40 are Pumas, age 40-50 are Cougars, and age 50-60 are Saber Tooths (or is that Saber Teeth).  It’s amazing the things you can learn from a Cougar Chaser. Although, I will say, I felt a bit better…all this time I thought I had to be extra careful, because I was in Cougar Territory… nope..just Puma Country. I wonder how low I need to go to be a Puma? All of us have a little Puma, Cougar, or Saber in us…so what exactly defines when its brought out?
Anyways….to the point:
I met the Cougar Chaser at a networking event. We exchanged cards. In fact, I exchanged cards with lots of people…its business… But the Cougar Chaser kept in touch. I thought it was all business… I was wrong. He asked me if I wanted to grab drinks sometime. Again, I thought this was business….because he is only 24 years old. I could be his momma…ok, not really.. but that’s NINE years younger… I think age doesn’t really matter much when you get to a certain age…but at 33 and 24…that’s a BIG difference. Which I tried to explain to him…as you will see.
So, we arrange to have drinks and he chooses a trendy restaurant in Scottsdale. He says he can pick me up because I am on the way…and then it dawns on me… “oh, shit! Is this a date?”  Should I put on lots of diamond (mine would be fake diamonds… Im not made of money. Sheesh) jewelry? (I picture Cougars as rich…right?) Should I wear some sort of leopard print (is there a Cougar print)?  But, I decide to dress like myself…no sense in feeding into something that will most certainly be going down- hill fast.  But, I am going to a nicer place, so I try to look presentable (which in my book, means 5 inch heels).
When he picks me up, I totally forgot that his career falls in the stinky (literally smells terrible) category…and that the stink involves his truck too. I should have offered to just drive…but it didn’t seem to faze him, and what if this could be a good networking opportunity… I don’t want to be rude. And, maybe, this isn’t a date… I mean, after all, he definitely wasn’t trying to impress me with his stink truck.
As we are pulling closer to the restaurant, I realize he is parking on the opposite side of the road, in the furthest spot. I asked him why we were parking so far from the place. He said he doesn’t like people to see/ smell the car he is coming from. Ok, I can totally understand that… But, I am also wearing 5 inch heels and now trying not to kill myself walking through both street lights on the cobblestone crosswalks. But, I made it...with out even breaking anything. (yes, still patting myself on the back for that).
At dinner, he doesn’t seem interested to talk much business. Mostly he is telling me all about himself.  His family, his high school life (yes, high school..because he is a child, and its his most recent experiences), his ex-girlfriend…etc, etc.  He doesn’t ask me anything…. So now, Im sure…this is a date… Ugh! So, me, being the soft spoken butterfly that I am, finally just ask him if this is a date. He says “well, I thought it would be nice to get to know each other”. I told him that it definitely can not be a date…Im way too old for him…not to mention, I feel like I was tricked into this date in the first place.
He told me he likes older women.  I told him that I have no interest in playing the Cougar card…and that’s when he shared with me that I am a Puma. He also was the one to let me in on all the definitions and age brackets. And then, he shared that he has dated all of them… a Puma, a Cougar, and a Saber Tooth.  So, at this point it was obvious, I had to be drastic!
I asked him if he wanted kids. He said yes, in a few years. Right now he really wants to work on building his business. I said, “exactly…and that’s what you should be focused on…but for me, my uterus is actively rotting…right now, as we speak… so I don’t have a few years.)  He was silent….. for a second.
But, this didn’t seem to really phase him… What the heck?  We talked through dinner…and the more he talked, the more clear it became, that the Cougar Chaser is looking for a mother. He wants someone with a nice house, a nice car, and empty nest syndrome that will pack him lunch everyday with all the food groups in it, and will a cute little note on the napkin saying she is proud of him. And, well…to be honest, I could see myself doing that...just would prefer it be for a man, not a boy... and with something naughty written on that napkin.
Luckily, there have been no more dates…and I actively try to send older women that love younger men and packing lunches his way.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, trick dates!