Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Genius

This is the hardest time I have had to come up with a name… Should I call him The Genius (obviously I did), The Mano (for those that speak Spanish…this is not meant as hand, but simply just man+o), The Underwear Cowboy (long story)…. Anyways, here ya go….The Genius!
I have known The Genius for 17 years. I went to the all girl school (probably where my problems all started), and he went to the all boy school. We met on the city bus. He would protect me from all the 60 year old creeps that would hit on me and tell me I should model….and from the one that brought me chocolates on Valentines Day. Seriously! As much as it pained me, I threw those chocolates away…he was 65ish, I was 15….who knows what kind of poison was in them? So, this is when my theory started… Older men love me, because they are at an age where they can appreciate a girl with some meat on her bones….although, now, that I am older…this is not the case…so I think they were just disgusting pervs. Anyways, the point is…The Genius always protected me.
I have never met anyone who doesn’t instantly fall in love with The Genius. He is good looking, insanely (you know insanity and genius is really a fine line) smart, funny, and charismatic… and he has been in love with me since high school. This seems like it should be a fairytale…doesn’t it? So whats the problem? Whats my problem (the one at hand…lets not dive into all of them)? Lets…start with some background…
The genius gets his name…for that simple reason… he is. He can solve a Rubik's cube in one minute…no matter how much you mess it up. I mean, seriously….who can do that? I think that is probably all the proof you need..but here is one more example…When he was a ten, he was allergic to blueberries, and spent the entire summer eating them, and building up a tolerance. He told me he wasn’t going to let a berry overpower him. I could give you many other examples…but I think that sums it up….Genius.
He has been high school president, done stand-up comedy, managed a bar, made money for his short (interesting) stories, and been in the navy. He broke his neck boxing, been hit by a Mack truck while riding his bicycle cross country, and lived through all of it. He has more stories to tell than anyone I have ever met…and whats scary is… they are all true. He is truly one of the few people I know, that is determined to get as much out of life as he can!
The Genius and I have so much history…that its hard to sum up…its hard to explain all of it. So I will just get to the bare basics. (bare basics…not bare bodies).
We will go years without talking at a time…because he makes me mad, and I cut him off. One time he grabbed me and kissed me in front of my boyfriend….I slapped him…and cut him off. One time he tricked me to go on a date with him (I thought his friend that I had a crush on was coming)…so I slapped him….and cut him off. The last time, I was talking to a guy…he thought I was interested in, he was drunk, and he told the guy “if you don’t treat her good, I will stab you”….so I cut him off.  This is the thing…I know first-hand what its like to do crazy things when you love someone…and its not reciprocated in the way you want. (go to Welcome to Crazy…that’s me). I always forgive him, and ultimately I always want him in my life because he is a great person. And the truth is, I haven’t always been kind. Its amazing the things he has forgiven me for.
 I don’t know why I cant return his feelings. Maybe it scares me that he has always, since the day we met, loved me for who I am. He has always accepted everything about me. He has always held me up so high….which is terrifying..because if you are up so high, there is only one way to go. I have even told him that if he really got to know me, he would be in a world of disappointment. He says he already knows me. He said he knows I'm not perfect, but that I am the truest person he has ever met.
The last time I reconnected with The Genius was after I had my heart broken…maybe this was selfish. I knew he would be there for me, I knew he would build me up. At one point, I even thought I could fall for him. I even told him that its funny because one day I would fall for him, and probably he would lose interest. He told me he would, right now, go sell his kidney to buy me a ring. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I have again, lost interest in romantic affairs…but we are still friends… and I hate that I cant feel the same about him!
So…what is it? Is it a cruel joke? To have someone love you through and through, the good and the bad…and yet, you just cant feel the same…no matter how bad you want to. Is it the fear that, you cant live up to the standards they have you at? Is it just bad timing? I have always believed that I don’t want what I cant have…maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, that’s what the problem is. Maybe, that’s why The Genius has always love me…because I am unavailable.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Wasted Love!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Gentleman

I figured I would share a story of a great guy…since I am starting to sound a bit jaded and bitter. Not all the dates I have had have been terrible…my problem is that most of the good dates come with bad timing.
I met The Gentleman about one month after I got my heart broken…for the first time. (bad timing). He did everything right…more than right…he courted me. I had never had anyone be so thoughtful and considerate before. He found out my interests and planned the dates accordingly.
Our first date, he drove twenty minutes out of the way to pick me up (and he opened my car door). We went to a restaurant known for their mac and cheese selection…specifically because he found out that I am like a five year old….and love mac and cheese. After dinner we went on a gondola ride and got a drink at the hotel. He never made a move on me…total gentleman! …so I did! (Don’t get ahead of yourself, we just kissed). At the end of the night, he took me home, walked me to my door, and asked to see me again….ummm, heck yes! Of course, I want to see him again…I like a man that knows how to treat a woman.
Our second date, he took me to the Art Museum…again, he knows I am an artist, so he planned something thoughtful for me. Amazing isn’t it? Maybe, its because he is older than me…Maybe, its because he was taught properly…who knows? But, from experience…I know that this kind of man doesn’t come around often.
So now, I bet you are wondering… “how did she screw it up?” Well, let me tell you…
As I mentioned, I met The Gentleman only one month after getting my heart ripped out! I know this sounds dramatic…but that’s what is felt like. I had never had my heart broken before..I used to be the breaker. I never knew that it physically hurt, I never knew that you wouldn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, and would cry until your tears turned to sand.  I didn’t know how to handle it…do I did the  only thing I could think of…I started dating immediately. I wanted the attention. I wanted to feel like my ex made a terrible decision…because there are tons of guys that would want me. So, I dated everyone that asked… and because I was so emotionally unavailable…a lot of guys asked.  (this is the trick apparently).
I was honest with The Gentleman, I told him that I was dating multiple people…and that I wasn’t ready to settle down. He was fine with this…until I went on a date with someone he knew. (I know, I know…I am an asshole). He was an adult about it. He told me that he was falling for me, and it was too much. He said he knew that it wouldn’t end well for him, and he wanted to bow out now. I freaked! Was I going to throw away the best guy that had ever come my way? Was he the right guy, at the wrong time? I couldn’t stand to let him go. .. so I told him that I would date him exclusively. .. and then I freaked again! Wait, is he my boyfriend? I feel like I'm cheating…even though my ex has been with someone else since before he left me…but I was so devoted to him. Basically, I was an emotional wreck! The gentleman and I dated five days, exclusively. And I couldn’t handle it. He saw it coming. And after some time…has forgiven me for being such a loser.
We are still friends…and I would like to point out, that I didn’t leave him for someone else… I just simply lost my mind!
But, Thanks Gentleman. Thank you, for proving to me that there are really nice guys out there! (side point: for those of you that believe the nice guys finish last…The Gentleman is marrying a total hottie soon…he totally didn’t finish last…so don’t be afraid to be nice).
Ugh, Dating…..Ugh, Timing is everything!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The 5 Stages of Grieving...I mean, Dating!

Dating is a lot like Death... There is a grieving process, and you have to go through all the stages... The longer the relationship or courtship, the more stages you go through.
So, here is a break- down of my experience in the stages of dating:
The Denial Stage: When I meet a guy, and we hit it off, I believe the game is over. He likes me, I like him…its all good! I am in total denial that the ‘Game’ should continue. I don’t pretend that I am busy when I'm not, I don’t intentionally miss his phone calls, or act uninterested.
Here is a scenario to prove the problem with this:
Me: “I like you…youre cute!”
He hears: “I cant wait to see your face everyday for the rest of my life…can you please put a baby in me NOW!”
When I tell someone that I like them…it doesn’t mean I will like them forever. Its like they think the interview process is over. They already got the job, and instantly joined a Union…and they have job security. So now, they can be a lazy jerk head…and more they are more interested in some other job…cause this one, was way too easy to get!
*Note: Boys, if I tell you I like you…that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you…it means that at this moment I like you…that moment can change in a heartbeat…so don’t get too comfortable.
The Anger Stage: This is my second most popular ‘zone’. I get angry when I feel like I'm not being heard…or I'm being taken for granted.  I get angry when someone assumes what my expectations are! I guess this bothers me, because I am so up front with what I want. If I want to be with you exclusively, you will be the first to know…so don’t assume that I have already named our future children because I want to go on a second date!
*Intermission…  (I need to cool off after being in the ANGER ZONE!!!)…
Ok, I'm good… did some meditation, broke some glass, yelled at a neighbor…and may, or may not have called someone a “stupid head”… I feel so much better!
The Bargaining Stage: This is when I think that maybe I jumped to conclusions…maybe, he was having a rough day…or maybe he found out he tiled his bathroom in the wrong pattern. Maybe, I should give him another chance…he seemed like such a great guy! I'm sure something terrible has happened…
I rationalize that he just needs space. He probably is scared that he met the perfect person for him…he didn’t think that he would meet the one he wants to marry so quickly… he needs to get so much accomplished before he can be the man he wants to be…for me.
*Note: The Bargaining Stage is a bunch of Balogna… Whenever I am outside of this stage, I realize how stupid I was…stupid bargaining stage!!!
The Depression Stage: Is it me? Why am I so unlovable? I thought we had fun, I thought we had chemistry…why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? What did I do wrong? Maybe, I will just be alone forever! Maybe its not even worth it! ….and lots of crying!!!
*Luckily…I don’t get to this stage too often… I mean, honestly…its depressing!
The Acceptance Stage: Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be! Thank god, I dodged that bullet! Moving on…Next!
I jump to this stage a lot… Most of my dates never get me to the Bargaining or Depression Stage…thank god!
Ugh, Dating!!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Husband Trainer

Yep…that’s me!
So, today my ex…the only one that has ever broken my heart…is getting married today! Don’t ask me how I know (instead refer to Welcome to Crazy (that’s me)). This year alone, I have had 4 exes get married…these are the ones I know about…so it made me think…hmmmm….there must be some connection…
Yep, I have it all figured out! I, without knowing until now, am a fantastic husband trainer. Maybe this is my calling…maybe this is what my life plans were always meant to be.
Men like to claim that they wish women would be more up front with what they want and need….but these are lies! The truth is: MEN DON’T LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO…and well, I tell them all the time. I am up front with what I want and need in a relationship. I don’t play the “you should already know” game. There is no guessing with me..everything is out in the open (no not my girlie parts…just my thoughts…sheesh).
When you actually tell a man what you want or expect, they have no excuses. They say that they wish women would be more blunt and honest…because they know most women wont do that, and then they have an excuse of why they didn’t….until they meet me!
But, the good news is that…they learn from me what women want…and when they meet you…they will buy you flowers, and tell you that you're beautiful, and take out the trash without being asked. With me, they cant actually do those things…because I tell them I like it…therefore telling them what to do..and they are ALL MAN…No one tells a man what to do!
So, ladies…youre welcome!
 If you would like a list of my exes, I am happy to oblige. Although most are married now…because they learned how to treat a woman right!
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Husband Training!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Ideal Man

Since many of you have been asking me what I am looking for….Here it is.
I want to meet someone like my dog, Lily Pants…except way less K9 and way less female… and preferably less furry (although I am willing to compromise).
She is always happy to see me, always forgives me if I am cranky or crazy, and lets be honest, she is smarter than most of the men I meet. Not to mention, she protects me when I am weak, and cuddles me when I am sad. All in all, she accepts me for who I am… crazy, weird, scattered….all of it.
I want a man that isn’t afraid to show he cares…even if there is a risk of heartbreak. Someone that is smart and witty, and willing to communicate.
I know that no one is perfect. I am willing to compromise. If he wants to chase after dump trucks, and bury my gifts….I can handle that. I would even be willing to pick up his shit…although if this is taken literally…that might get weird.
But, truthfully, I really am just looking for a man. A man that knows who they are, and knows what they want. I tend to be attracted to conservative guys, that own guns and trucks, and like to fix things…but even these are things I can forgo. I just want someone that is honest and grown up enough to not play games. If he plays hard to get…Im over it. I don’t want what I cant have. I don’t play games, and I have no problem telling someone I like them….this is normally where I go wrong…I guess.
Find me a good ole cowboy that likes to take care of his lady…and can still dress up nice J
I'm sure this is what everyone wants…and I'm sure its hard to come by. Maybe this is why I am still single. The truth is though, you still need a connection…and attraction. It can be hard to find the guy that is what I am looking for…and at the same time, be what he is looking for. They say it’s a numbers game. They say there is someone out there for everyone….maybe “everyone” is less picky…who knows!
In the meantime, I'm just working on spells that will turn my dog into a man, a human man.  And when the spell takes, I'm gonna teach that bitch to scratch back!
Ugh, Dating!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer

The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer
Due to the fact that The Wannabe Blue Man Video Gamer has such a long title, (I mean, lets be honest, you cant say that 5 times fast) I will refer to him as just The Blue Man throughout this story.
I met The Blue Man online (of course) about 6 years ago. I don’t remember much, except that he played drums in a band and wanted to be a Blue Man (with the Blue Man Group), and a firefighter.  He told me that he tried out for The Blue Man Group every year, and every year was denied because he is too tall. Although He was skinny with bulging eyes…you would think his look was perfect! He also was denied getting a job as a firefighter several times, and he kept trying…got to admire the determination!
We went on a few dates and always had a good time. I have always had a bit of a thing for tall and gangly… and he definitely had many interests to talk about. On our third date, I drove to his side of town (which luckily was not far), and was going to just pick him up to go to dinner….yes, I know…sounds like I'm the man. Sometimes, I feel like it with these guys. Anyways, I had directions to his apartment complex, but didn’t know the number…plus, why should I pick him up at the door…Should I have also brought flowers? So, I called him to tell him I arrived, and he asked me to come in, because he needed to finish getting ready. Really? I was a bit scared…Was I going to walk in on him naked? Or was he finishing his makeup? I was a bit hesitant, but I walk up to his door, get my hand ready to shield my eyes, and ring the bell. Thank god! He was fully clothed…looked ready to me. He invited me in, and let me know that he needed to finish his video game.  I had to sit and watch him play his video game for thirty minutes before he was ready to leave for dinner. Come on! I don’t know why, I put up with it. Why I didn’t tell him to shove it and leave…apparently I wasn’t as jaded back in the day. These days, I would have shared with him what it means to be a gentleman and left. Although, maybe I was smarter back then…because I did get free dinner!
Needless to say, I didn’t talk to him again. I don’t even like playing video games, let alone watching someone else play them for half an hour. Sooooo boring!
Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Window Puncher

I met The Window Puncher at a networking event. I was smitten immediately. He was confident, cute, and seemed to really have it all together. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch on a friendly basis. Although, every time we talked I was hoping he would realize how awesome I am, and ask me out. He never did…
So, being the stupid, desperate dater that I am, I asked him to go golfing with me. I had a connection to get a free round of golf and I knew The Window Puncher loved to golf…so I took advantage of the opportunity. Maybe, if he had a chance to spend time with me outside of the business talk…he would fall madly in love. I had it all planned out!
We had a great day golfing. I made cheesy jokes about golf being a Par-tee…and he actually laughed. He is so considerate! We flirted…I think…I mean, I know I flirted…shamelessly. He didn’t seem to want to I think that is a start, right?
We had a few drinks on the golf course and decided to continue the Par-tee (haha…still find it funny) elsewhere. So we dropped our cars off at my house and walked down the street to the local dive bar.
We were having a blast! Drinking, mingling…he sang a few songs at karaoke….all in all, great times. Everyone was telling us how cute we are together. I was loving every second of it.  He was hugging me, and sitting really close. Finally…the plan was starting to work!
We decided to head home, so we said goodbye to all our new bar friends and headed out the door. On the way out…he went crazy…and punched the window at the bar! Glass went everywhere..he was bleeding…and our new friends (ex friends) were yelling.  I didn’t know what happened. I just tried to calm everyone down. I begged the bartender to just let me take him home..he was beyond drunk, apparently. So I gave her my number and told her to call me in the morning…and that I would make sure the damage was paid for. Luckily she agreed.
It was a long walk home. He struggled walking…and he is quite a bit bigger than me…so it was interesting to say the least. And then, of course he tried to kiss me. Nothing I love more than kissing a bleeding drunk dude that can barely stand up on his own. At least I know, I'm super hot with beer goggles!
Finally we got home and I put him in my bed… and turned down all his attempts to try and sleep with me. This was not how I envisioned our love affair starting.
The next morning, we went to breakfast. I asked him if he remembered much. He did. I asked him what the heck happened. He said he didn’t know. He had never done that sort of thing before.  He then told me he was glad that we didn’t do anything…although he said he would of….uh Duh! So, basically, I was that girl. The pathetic girl that the jerk takes advantage of... Although,I don’t think he realized that I have a strict pants on rule….regardless of how much I like someone.  The Window Puncher is the type of guy that makes me grateful for my rules…I would have hated myself the next day when he went back to just treating me like business.
We haven’t seen each other much since that night. The last time I saw him was when he dropped off a check to reimburse me for the window.  And I have since, gotten over (way over) my crush.
Ugh, Dating!... or in this case, Ugh, Crushes!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Non-Dater

This guy/situation was a confusing mess. The reason you ask? Well, its because I have never experienced a Non-Dater before...well, not since college. I'm thirty-two, I haven't had a guy call and ask to "hang out"....and really mean "hang out" in about 10 years.

The background....We met at volleyball months ago. We have always flirted a little bit, but nothing has ever come of it. Mostly because I never took him too seriously... and apparently he is a Non-dater.

One night during a game...he started flirting pretty heavily. And when I say flirting, I mean I was worried he was going to start pulling my hair and kicking me. His flirting skills are a bit old in infantile. After the game, we had a drink and talked. He calmed down a little, and was making me laugh. At the end of the night, he asked if he could call me to hang out sometime. I said sure. At the time, I had a feeling this would go nowhere...but I do believe sometimes you have to try new things. Obviously who I currently go for, isn't what the Heck. And truthfully, I figured, worse case scenario...its research.

So, he called. He asked when I had time to get together. I gave him a few options....and he chose a Sunday night. The truth is, I could care less about football. I like my men tall and Ill stick to basketball. But, The Non-Dater is a huge football fan, and probably should have chosen another day...but he said he wanted to see me. I guess he figured it didn't matter that he spent the whole day drinking..because he planned to continue that through the date...excuse me, Non-date.

Before we met up, i called to see what the plans were. He was obviously at a bar...I asked him if he wanted to get together a different night...he said no. So, I asked him what we were doing. He said, "what do you want to do?".... I said "I want you to make the decision...make a plan, be the man". So he suggested we meet at a local sports bar. How thoughtful!

At this point, I was regretting my decision to go out with him. I would rather go home and sleep. But, I made a commitment....(even if it was partially just to this blog...your welcome!)

I show up at the bar...he is drunk. We go sit down. I told him, he should have chosen a different night to see me. I then asked him what we were doing...Are we just hanging out as friends, are we on a date? He said he doesn't like to label things, and that we are just hanging out to determine if we want to go on a date. What? As far as I'm concerned, we hang out at volleyball. He is that scared of commitment, that he wont even commit to a date? He said,  "dates" have too high of expectations...that you only have one shot to make an impression, and that it is stupid to put all of that pressure on each other. I said, "whatever dude"...He said, I'm not a "dude", I am a "man". I told him I would call him a man when he actually asks me out on a date.

After talking a bit more, it came down to the risk of rejection. He didn't want to take that risk, so he would rather hang out and see where things go. I did this in college, but now, I am a grown woman, and I want a man that is willing to take that risk for me!

So, sorry Non-Dater, your fear of rejection, just lost you any chance at all.

Ugh, Dating!