Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Nice Shoes, Want to F**k?

I would just like to share the email I received (with my commentary throughout):

“Hi there Lovely :),

I just wanted to say hi and let you know how truly beautiful I think you are. (Thank you, I never hear that…let me take my pants off). I was also wondering if you might be interested in having a romantic relationship with one another. (I think ultimately this is what everyone is looking for…eventually).

Essentially it would be a friends with benefits type of relationship (oh…now I get the romance talk) with the hopes of becoming more down the road.  I have very limited free time while I start a new business and am putting in crazy hours, so I would rather spend the little free time I do have getting to know someone intimately and emotionally until my schedule becomes normal again. (Or, I don’t know…maybe wait a few months and service yourself).  In a few months, I will have much more free time to add in the typical date nights and work on a full blown relationship at that time. (This is when you would find time to find a different girl, with self esteem.)

I also think it would actually be easier to get to know someone while cuddling, watching a movie (I’m pretty sure that’s not what you have in mind), and being intimate versus going to a noisy bar or restaurant and trying to get to know each other that way. I think it is a lot more natural and less stressful than the typical dating procedures that never seem to work out. (Totally not stressful….Hi I’m Chelsea…let me get naked). 

If the relationship progresses into more, (If you are a tomcat in the bedroom...and your personality doesn't totally suck!), that would be great, (but it won’t!) but it should be nothing we feel the need to force or rush into. (The longer I can get some, and not pay for anything, the better). If you are at all interested in something like this type of relationship, please let me know. I also hope you are not offended in any way and that I hear from you soon.”

….So basically, I would really like to F**k you, but not so badly, that I want to buy you dinner first. How Romantic!

Ugh, Dating!

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Convenient Squirrel

Let’s start with a joke. 

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

-Oooh Squirrel!

I have no judgment towards those with ADD…in fact, I suffer from this as well (ask anyone that knows me). Although, I’m more distracted by shiny objects…Oooh sparkles! But, I do have judgment towards those that seem to only have ADD moments while I’m talking… and seem completely focused when they are. Let’s not blame ADD on this...this is just bad social behavior.

I met The Squirrel online. We met the first time at the dog park. This was very smart on his can’t help to be distracted...with dogs (and sometimes squirrels) running all over.  And, there will be no concerns if the guy accidentally gets distracted…and forgets his wallet. All in all, the first date went well…as well as can be expected…I guess. The truth is, I am newly single and struggling to get past who I was with.  I’m sure you’re wondering why I am even dating in the first place? It’s probably a better idea, to heal from the last relationship, before trying to dive into a new one. I guess this is how I deal with break ups.  My Ex didn’t just come out and say he didn’t want to be with me…but, his actions told me this…so I’m feeling rejected. And when you’re feeling rejected…what better way to feel better than to get lots of attention elsewhere? I know, this doesn’t actually work…but if you have read any of these other blogs…I don’t learn my lesson. I will just keep banging my head against the wall…wondering why my head hurts. Anyways, the point is…I’m having a hard time getting excited about anyone right now….there was so much I adored in my ex… Although, not sure that The Squirrel was a good test to prove that no one can compare.

After the dog park date, I left feeling quasi hopeful. He is attractive, tall…seemed to be funny. And, asked to see me again. Not a bad start. 

A couple days after our first date, he called to make plans for a second date. The phone call was awkward. He didn’t laugh at any of my super funny jokes. He barely talked at all...except to somewhat suggest a next date. He suggested we grab a drink…and suggested we head to a bar that I had mentioned. He said he would pick me up. Normally, I don’t allow this…but apparently had a lapse of judgment, and agreed to the ride. So the date was planned.

The day of the second (and last) date came. He picked me up on time…which always impresses me. So far, so good. On the way to the bar, he frantically starts looking through his car…and says that he forgot his wallet. How convenient. Although, he did have twenty dollars on him. He seemed convincing. It seemed this was really just an ADD moment...not planned. So I said I could pay. I didn’t expect for him to drink more than me (he was driving), or want dinner too. 

We get to the bar; have a few drinks (he had more than a few). He liked to talk...which I love. I like chatty boys…but I also don’t want to be talked at. Once in awhile, it’s nice to have questions asked…ya know, showing a little interest. Every story he told, he was focused…not distracted by everything going on around us. Anytime, I would comment or share my own story, he would look around and then blame his ADD. Hmm…seems convenient. 

After a few drinks, and lots of stories of his party past, filled with lots and lots of drugs (not my thing). He asked if I wanted to get dinner. So, sweet of him to offer…since I would be paying. But, I thought getting some food in him before he drives me home would be a great idea….not to mention, I’m sure he had the munchies.

We walk to a restaurant, and a guy in front of us, held the door open. The squirrel just walks right in…in front of me. It has become clear…I am the man on this date. 

So we eat, he orders with no concern of me paying…and orders another drink. I hope he is enjoying his free night out! At this point…I’m over it. I was ready to go. I was worried about him driving…but I thought it was worth the risk. I didn’t want to have to spend any more time listening to him talk, or take the chance he would suggest more ideas for me to pay for.

Luckily, I made it home…safe and sound…and wondering if this need for attention to help me recover from my last rejection…is worth the risk.

…..I have a feeling something shiny will come around and fool me to keep going though.

Ugh, Dat…..Oooh Squirrel!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Friend Look-A-Like a Rear End

You never want to date someone that looks like a friend…especially when that friend is a girl…well, at least not when you are interested in men!

You will never believe this, but I met The Friend Look-A-Like online. In pictures, he didn’t look like a girl. In person, it was uncanny. I caught myself trying to bring up inside jokes…or about to call him by her name. That would have been awkward! And to be completely honest…He looked like a friend that just wouldn’t be my type, even if women were my thing. So it was destined to fail before I even got that first sip of my vanilla latte.

Well, Truth be told, it was destined to fail from first phone conversation. He used the word “rear end”! “the first iron man I did, really kicked my rear end.” There is nothing "iron" or "man" about that phrase! Who does that, who says that? There are a million way to refer to ones “rear end”, and yet, I find “rear end” the most offensive. Are you talking to me like a child? Do I not get to be a part of the grown up conversation? As someone that tends to speak like a drunken sailor…I find the use of  “rear end” highly unnatural. This is not how I like to communicate. Maybe, just maybe, if he was a kindergarten teacher or a priest (actually, you never want a priest to use any form of “rear end” ever!), this would be acceptable! But, he was neither…he is a nurse (or murse)…and one that deals with adults, not children. I cant even imagine being sick in his care… “This might sting in your rear end”…ugh Horrifying! Which I guess is a bit unfair to say…because even “this might sting in your butt” would be tragic too, but a bit less tragic, don’t ya think?

During our first, and only, phone conversation, he used “rear end” at least five times..which, ironically enough, he did not say once during out coffee date. Maybe, rear ends just didn’t come up? Or maybe, my extensive use of “ass” and ‘F’ bomb dropping made him question himself? Maybe it made him realize how much classier you sound using profanity! I’m sure that is what happened.

The Friend Look Alike was nice…but sometimes things just cant work. I mean, I am a classy ASS broad, and well….he just looks like this chick I know!
Ugh, Dating!