Thursday, October 27, 2011

Im a One and a Half

I have a theory....which I think we should actually consider as fact. Yep, its fact! When it comes to love and relationships you need to have a minimum of one out of three. The list of Three consists of 1.Personality, 2. Looks, 3. Money. If you don't have an abundance of at least one of these will forever be alone, or worse..stuck with someone else lacking even one.

The beauty of it is that even if you only have one of the three, there is someone that will love you for it. So if you are better start buying those lotto tickets or inventing something genius...or practice your jokes. If you are broke, same thing funny and maybe hit the gym. If you were one of the lucky ones that was born good can get away with much more than most people. But, if I were you...I would shoot for the grail! I mean, at least get a personality. You have the potential to have it all. Most of us, can really only strive for a full 2...maybe 2.5. So hotties, take advantage...the world is your oyster!

I, personally, am striving for my equal, a One and a half. Although, to be honest...who wouldn't want a Two?

Maybe this is why I am single. Maybe, I really am expecting a full 2 out of 3. Although, I really think I just want a smart, witty (full category personality) that is not poverty and doesn't hurt to look at. I think that is a fair expectation. No? I guess that is a full 2. One for personality and half looks, half money. Hmmm.

The point is, I think our scaling of 1-10 is off. I think it is really 0-3. With that said, Bring on a TWO!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I know some of these numbers are subjective. One person may give you a full point for something, that someone else may only give half. So, maybe the goal is to find the one that thinks you are all three. Someone that views you as the holy grail.

So, my fellow daters... I wish you the Grail!

Ugh, Dating!

Monday, October 24, 2011

The High Fiver

I met the High Fiver online. He had two pictures up, that I later learned were from a really good angle.  We chatted online, back and forth, a few times, and exchanged numbers.
On the phone, he was funny and polite. We talked almost every day for about two weeks before we were able to meet. I looked forward to his phone calls, and formed quite a crush on him. I have had this happen several times before, apparently I need to burn my hand off before I realize the stove is hot. I mean seriously, how many times can you be let down before you stop getting your hopes up. I guess I am an eternal optimist. I really do believe there is someone perfect for me out there....although, the pickings are definitely getting slimmer.
I was positive he was going to end my online dating. I was sure that this was it for me. I was going to meet a great guy, that makes me laugh…
I was wrong!
We finally met. He decided on an upscale sushi place…even though I told him that I was coming from a dinner party.
When I saw him walk up…I could tell it was him...just a fatter, older, version of him with bad skin. I can overlook all of these things if the personality is amazing. But, I have to say, it is tough to get over how much this person stretched the truth to start with.
So we awkwardly embraced, and said hello. We took a seat at the bar to wait for a table, and ordered a drink.  He was extremely cocky in how he carried himself and spoke. It’s amazing how well these traits can be masked over the phone.
He asked me a few questions, like if I have ever seen an episode of Jersey Shore. As much as I hate to admit it, I had. I saw 2 episodes with the Compulsive Liar (you will learn about him at a later date). So I told the High Fiver that I had indeed killed a few brain cells on that show.  He responded by giving me a high five. Umm….ok? I didn’t make a scene about it, just went with it. I now, wish I would have faked an oncoming illness and ran for the door. But instead, I followed him to the table. Yes, you did read that correctly, I followed him. He wasn’t much of a gentleman.
At dinner, we each ordered  one more drink, and he ordered something to eat. He asked me if I liked sushi. I told him only because I love wasabi. He high fived me. He asked me if I like sports. I told him that I really love going to Suns games. He high fived me. This went on all of dinner. My hand was red for an hour after the date, from the endless high fiving. That’s the good part of talking on the phone, they can’t high five you. Although I bet, after experiencing his love of a good high five, that he air fived me millions of times during that first two weeks on the phone.
Finally we left. I was cordial, and nice….and drove off as fast as I could.
He later texted me to tell me he had a great time, but he wasn’t sure how I felt. I texted him that I had a wonderful time, but I didn’t feel a connection. He told me that since I pride myself in being honest that now was time to prove it…he wanted to know why. I told him that I have no interest in being mean. So he proceeded to text yell at me…in CAPITALS. He told me that it was awful and rude for me to let him pay for my drinks, when I knew I had no interest. How dare I waste his time and money. I told him that I was obviously right about the decision I made about him and that I only had two drinks. He text yelled some more about how he is a great catch. He was really starting to sell me...I reconsidered...all the text YELLS really had me thinking.. maybe, I judged too quickly. So we went out again, and have since been dating for weeks now. ahhh Love, so so sweet.
Ummm....ok... What really happened, is...
I stopped responding. I am not going to feed into a Crazo. There can only be one crazo per couple, and I am pretty sure I have that covered.
Eventually, he stopped text yelling.
The truth is, I  felt defeated after the High Fiver. I had him so built up to be the man I was looking for…and it was quite a disappointment.
After him, I cancelled my online profile and took a break. The High Fiver inspired me to appreciate the single life…
For a while…
Ugh, Dating!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Gene Simmons

Sometimes….Ok, most of the time, I make the mistake of talking too much. I let it all out, right up front.  I tell these poor boys exactly whats on my mind…good or bad. 

At the time of Gene Simmons, I was following a new theory. The theory was created because I tend to end up with guys that I have amazing chemistry with, but no connection. I thought that I might be dismissing nice guys because I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach or the overall feeling of needing to vomit (in a good way). I thought that maybe if I spent more time with them, I would grow to like them.  I was wrong…the theory is stupid! And it is even more stupid when you tell the guy on your date about your new theory. I did this to Gene Simmons. I told him that regardless of how I felt, I was going to give every guy at least three dates to win me over. I cant believe he even wanted to go out with me.

So on date one, I spilled the beans. From then on out, it is all he would talk about…wanting to make it to date four. Although, now that I think about it...maybe this was pure genius! Guys love a competition. Let them compete for date four...and get royal treatment in the meantime! Ugh, I wish I could do that!

So Anyways, before I spilled the beans of my dating plans… we  actually talked about a few other topics, like my obsession with watches. I think it is sexy when a guy wears them…and when I do. ;) I think its because, I assume that when a man wears a watch, he will be on time. Nothing sexier than a punctual guy! Gene (yes, first name basis), told me his mom lived in New York and was always buying knock off watches…and that they looked legit. I smiled and nodded and told him how cool I thought that was…although I didn’t. I know, I am spoiled.but when it comes to a watch, I like the real thing. The weight, the feel, the function. So Hot!

On date two, Gene kept telling me that he was getting me a gift…that was sure to get him to date four. Yes, he actually said this. He wanted to mail it to me, but I wouldn’t give him my address. You just never know, when they are going to go crazy. I asked him if he was going to send flowers. He said that he was way more “in tune” than that. Oh geez… although I have to admit, I love presents…so I was intrigued. We finished the date with a kiss. Not great, not terrible. But eh!

On date three, we met at a restaurant, and he walked towards me with his hands behind his back. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. I did, even though I was a bit hesitant. I don’t know why, maybe cause I grew up with two brothers, but I always expect a slug or booger, or something sticky and gross to be put in my hand..especially with my eyes closed and my defenses down. 

Anyways,  I open my eyes..he gave me a watch. Like he had just taken it off and put it in my hand. It was masculine and needed to be cleaned. He was so proud of himself. He told me he called his mom and had her pick it out special for me. Really? You asked her to pick me out a dirty, man watch? Wow! Even though most of my thoughts fall out of my mouth…I was able to just smile and tell him how wonderful it was. You never want to act like you don’t like it, because you want the presents to keep coming….and eventually they will have to get a good one in there.

So during dinner, he told me that when he was a kid, they severed the tendon under his tongue…so now he was like Gene Simmons…(finally his name makes sense).  I didn’t really know how to respond. Umm that’s nice?

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, and went in for a kiss. During it, all I could think about was how he was able to control that thing. What if he loses muscle control and gags me! Gross! I don’t want to suffocate by a third date tongue. 

Luckily, I got through the kiss…and went out with him one more time. I went on date four because I felt guilty. He was so motivated to get there, and its not his fault he has a freakish tongue…and he did buy me (or find me) a really manly watch...and most importantly, I love frozen yogurt. 

During the date, we had nothing to talk about. Since he made it to date four, he didn’t need to talk about whether or not he would get there…so there was just awkward silences. Finally, he said, he could tell that I am not feeling it. So we hugged and parted ways.

He still will randomly send me emails… but I am still not interested.

Ugh, Dating!

Monday, October 10, 2011

An Ass out of U and Me

I like to assume things....I know this is stupid, but I do it constantly. So I thought I would share one of these assumptions.

Boob Men, Ass Men, and Leg Men.

I personally like Boob Men! I imagine that they like big, natural, boobs. I got em! I also think they are accustomed to a thicker girl..because it is a rarity to find a skinny girl with naturally big boobs. I know it isn't fair. There are also really pretty girls that also have a personality!!! I know, I know, its B.S., but it happens! The point is that it seldom happens...naturally. Anyways, so I am more confident and at ease when I am dating a Boob Man.

Ass Men like....a nice ass...or maybe a big ass. Not gonna lie, I got that too! But, big but(t)...hahahah, I assume Ass Men go for a more athletic girl, because lets be honest....Athletic girls normally have the nicest butts! Again,I am sure this is not always the case...but if you have been reading these, you should know that I have a problem with listening and overall...being rational.

I would like to mention that I recently had a conversation with an Ass Man, and he totally disagreed with this statement. He said he definitely prefers curves all around. God Bless him! But, you got to know...I am stuck in my ways!

Leg Men....pretty self explanatory...and I just cant compete! I can honestly say, I have never dated a Leg Man....and I don't plan on starting. Although, I will immediately start some squats and lunges...just in case!

I think my point is....Where are the Boob Men at? ;) 

Ugh, Dating!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Ugly Artist

Or, as some of my friends used to call him, U.A. He was my first major crush. I was 16. I met him at Jamaican Blue Coffee House, my favorite hangout through high school. He was tall and skinny and ate like a dinosaur… mostly because his neck was too skinny to really support that big head! He wore black fly sunglasses with clear prescription lenses and his teeth were at war with each other. Normally teeth are a big deal to me, since I come from 5 generations of dentists. In fact, the number one thing my dad points out on women is their “nice teeth”…but for some reason The Ugly Artist's teeth didn’t bother me.
My friends all told me I could do better…but I was smitten. They can be gangly, awkward, and weird…but if they are funny or talented, they have a chance with me. Especially if they tell me I’m beautiful. Then I am pretty much sold! Its amazing how some things never change!
He worked at the coffee house and sold his art there. His paintings were painful and disturbing, and I was intrigued immediately. He painted women spitting out their souls and devils and anything else morbid. Obviously, I was inspired… a way to be more dramatic at 16. Ummm….Heck yes!
At the time, I had wounded bird syndrome, I wanted to save everyone and love the heck out of them. And his paintings told me that he needed to be saved! Not to mention I was going through a deep and brooding time in life. You know how it is when you’re young, no one really understands you… except for maybe an Ugly Artist.
So, I would hang out as often as possible when he worked and would sit at the counter and draw, and smoke to look cooler….and older. (no worry, I have since quit). He would tell jokes, and I would laugh like it was the funniest thing I had ever heard…lets be honest though, I find lots of things hilarious, including myself. Haha (point made).
He drew me an eye on a napkin, it said “I cant help but look deep into your eyes”. He would also whisper in my ear that I was the most beautiful girl in the place. I might have been the only girl in there… but I didn’t care, he told me I was beautiful…even if just by comparison to men, or coffee grinds. I am a sucker for sweet nothings! (boys...please don't take the use of the word 'sucker' out of context!)
Now you can see why I was in love. Ok, maybe not love, but at the time I was positive we would marry and have 2 kids and 2 dogs and live happily ever after. Even though I was deep and brooding I still wanted the picket fence fairytale. (By the way, I still have that napkin)
He eventually moved to New York City to pursue his art….and I was crushed. But don’t worry I got to make out with him once about a year later (when I was case you were concerned)….and then, well, I was over it.
Ugh, Dating!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Other Profile

So here is the other profile...

I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I also like…. Well… I guess that’s it. Yep, pina coladas and rain. If you are also a fan of these things, send me a message, if not…. Good luck with your search!

I may, or may not, be a smarty pants. And I may, or may not, really love the word ‘pants’.
The truth is: Internet dating is tough…it’s tough to make a lasting first impression on someone with a picture, and to those of you that actually read past the picture, a bio. I think everyone had different sides to them…so which side do you represent? I think most people are going to show their toughest, coolest, and most kick ass side. I think I will share all sides…the good, the bad and the ugly. Might as well know what you are getting into up front, right?

Good: I am sometimes funny, depending on who you ask. I can dress up black tie and be classy, and I can dress down in jeans and t-shirt and roll in dirt (as long as there are no bugs)…and I enjoy all of it. I am extremely loyal, never cheated…never would. I am honest to a fault, and you will always know where you stand with me.  I have no baggage. My family rocks the casbah, and they will be nice to you. Somedays I am smart, others…it’s a toss up. Its easy to make me you will always think that you are super funny. And most importantly, my mom says I am worth a million dollars.

Bad: patience is not my virtue. I like lots of attention. I get cranky when I am hungry or tired. I have super high standards. (mostly because I have amazing brothers, and I know what men are capable of).  I have an addiction to shoes. I cry when I see a cockroach. I will cover a bug with a cup and duct tape it down, waiting for you to come dispose of it. I am not a great cook…although I try.

Ugly: this is what I am when I wake up or work out ;)

Overall, I think the good outweighs the bad…hopefully you think so too.
I am looking for someone that meshes with me. Someone that brings out more of the good, and less of the bad….the ugly is probably unavoidable. Sorry ;) I am attracted to gentlemen. I can take care of myself, but I want someone that wants to take care of me (I don’t mean financially). I mean someone that takes pride in being a man. Someone that likes to have fun, but can also have an intelligent debate. Someone that likes to travel and explore and be active. And overall, someone that is genuine!