Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Twitchy Pot Smoker

I met the Twitchy Pot Smoker online, of course. The problem with online dating is you can’t tell from the pictures that the guy is twitchy, or high. Maybe they should start having videos instead of pictures so you can get a better vibe…although, that could be terrifying. I’m sure there would be endless videos that would be dirty, surprising, and traumatizing. There are tons of profiles with guys half naked, pulling their pants down just high enough to not be banned from these sites. I’m not joking…I have seen more than I bargained for on several profiles. So, at least the Twitchy Pot Smoker had clothes on in all his pictures.

It started by email. It started with cute conversations about how awesome our dogs our, and how awesome we are for both having Border collie breeds (well, I think mine is), and naming them Lily (although his had two ‘LL’…which should have been my first warning). We didn’t email much before deciding to meet…Which is how I like it. I’m not a fan of emailing, or as you know…texting, forever. I would rather meet and determine if I want to waste any more of my time and life on this stranger. (well, I guess it wouldn't be a waste...if I wanted to spend more time with him). So, he took my number. He texted just a few times, and didn’t ask any involving questions…so I thought this was looking good.

 Then he texted, asking me to send a photo for his contacts. I thought this was weird…and annoying. Can’t we just meet first to determine if I will even remain in his contacts? A friend of mine told me to relax…Maybe he has gone on dates with girls that looked 20 years older, or 100lbs heavier than their photos. Ugh….Fine. I sent him a photo… and secretly wished I could cancel the date. Maybe, this makes me sound crazy and unforgiving…but I’m kind of a pro now, and internet dating pro, and my patience is almost completely depleted. But, I guess that defeats the purpose…so I went on the date….Bad call!

He made me chose the place…which I also found irritating…isn’t that the man’s job? Not to mention, I hate making decisions… there are just so many wonderful options…how would you chose the right one? But, luckily for me, I was with a friend (cutting her hair), and she suggested a place. I love decisive people! And…she also, gave me a stern talking to (well, not really), and explained that the guy just moved here…he probably doesn’t know where to go. Fine…I'll get over it…but I’m not going to be excited!

So, we met at a dive bar. He was cute….but twitchy. I thought it was weird…but maybe he had a gallon of coffee before? Maybe, it’s some kind of ailment…and I shouldn’t judge? But then…he couldn’t look me in the eye…I could barely hear him talk because he was looking down or away…and I’m deaf (seriously…it’s becoming a problem. You can only say “what?” so many times). But…maybe he is just super shy and nervous?

When I would ask questions, he tried to avoid answering… he said he didn’t want me to change my opinion of him…What opinion? Did he think I had a good opinion so far? Did he just not want to make it any worse? 

He finally started talking more. He told me that he used to have long dreads and was a hardcore hippy. He told me that he is super liberal. I told him that I’m super conservative. He then started asking why I don’t think people should have healthcare. He told me that his mom died when he was 17 of cancer. He let me know it’s terrible that I am conservative. I told him that he is generalizing conservatives. Just because I follow one party more than the other…doesn’t mean that I follow everything…and just because I don’t like the health reform plan, doesn’t mean I don’t think there needs to be changes.

At this point the bouncer came over and said… “Hey you guys are breaking bar rules. You never talk about politics here…” I laughed and agreed. I told the Twitchy Pot Smoker that we probably won’t be a great match…he said we would. He said it would be fun. I said that I need another drink. He said he did too. …and then he just walks to the bar. He doesn’t ask me what I want. He just gets his drink and sits back down…so I get up and grab my own. Turns out, I know the bartender. He finds my situation hysterical. He couldn’t believe that the awkward guy was my date. He makes my drink extra strong…and tells me ill need it.

So, I sit back down. The Twitchy Pot Smoker admits he smokes weed…regularly. He says he has a medical card for it and that it’s awesome. I disagree. 

He tells me he loves 3D movies. I disagree….they make me car sick. This statement seemed to really upset him. He could handle the millions of other disagreements…but not liking 3D movies was a hard hit...apparently. But he said that he could get over it because I’m so pretty. Ummm….thanks?

Throughout the conversation, he had been throwing out cheap shots about my political beliefs. I had been patient, knowing that I don’t have to see him again…and trying to be polite. But, he threw out one too many. I told him that we are obviously not a match and that I’m gonna go home. I had only one sip from my drink, so it was very obvious I couldn’t handle anymore. He said”really? You can’t take a joke?” I said “apparently not”. So he ran to the bar and closed his tab…and I waited until he was long gone. I chatted with my friend, the bartender.

I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that likes to hunt, and fix things. The bouncer walked up, put out his hand and said “so, hi I’m The Bouncer” (ok…he didn’t say Bouncer, but in case I blog about him later, I need to protect his identity). I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that is conservative….The bouncer put out his hand again, smiled and said hi. Then the Bouncer told me to make my list. A list of what I am looking for. He said to put boxes next to each one, and told me he will check off the ones he fits in….so I did.

I made a list. He checked off every box (although some were half checked), and then he asked me for my number…. So we’ll see what happens. But starting off….it’s looking way better that the Twitchy Pot Smoker….at least the Bouncer looked me in the eyes.

Ugh, Dating!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Date That Never Happened… because he was an Over-Texter

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I require lots of attention… I’m an Aries, the first sign of the zodiac…often referred to as the sign of the infant child. This pretty much sums me up. I get cranky when I’m tired, hungry, or needing to be coddled. Some find this adorable and endearing (those that love kids…and have ridiculous amounts of patience), others get quite irritated. So, it’s basically a blessing and a curse. And, really, I can’t be held responsible… I mean, it was written in the stars long ago.  

I’m telling you this for some insight into how excessive the Over-Texter was. I mean, I love attention…lots of it, and he still managed to over-do it. 

I met him online…. Yes, I’m back and already regretting the decision… But, I’m dedicated to you, my readers, who are highly entertained by the greatness I bring out in people. So, with that said… You are welcome!

Anyways… so we met online, and started emailing. I highly prefer talking over emailing, so I am pretty quick to give my number out. I do this to talk….not to text. If the conversation is going to stick to writing…I have no need to hand out the digits. I swear texting is ruining relationships! I tend to be on the sarcastic side…how can someone know if they can’t hear the tone of my voice? And, more importantly, who wants to take 20 minutes to have a conversation that could normally take 2 minutes…this is another side affect of being an Aries, patience is not my virtue. I like taking the quickest route to a destination. It’s a sprint not a marathon, right?

So, the Over-Texter got my number…and of course just started texting away. I was able to handle it at first. I have gotten used to the fact that guys don’t call anymore, they text. I mean, it takes no balls to text…there is no fear of embarrassing rejection, or the terrifying chance that the phone won’t be answered…and, god- NO, he would have to leave a message. Which is why whenever a guy actually calls first, he has much better odds with me to start. The Over-Texter didn’t take those odds. 

It all started slow… just questions about where he could take me to dinner. I was patient. (Even though figuring out a place to eat took half an hour. Yes, I spent half an hour of my life just figuring out where to have dinner…I could have eaten dinner in less time.) But, I was patient.  

And then it all went downhill. He started asking where my family lives, if I am close with them, etc… all questions that are meant to be talked about…not texted.  My answers started becoming shorter and shorter…so then he asked if I had questions for him… I responded by saying that I’m going to bed. 

And then day two hit… I woke up to a text…and a picture of him (luckily not a dirty one…or maybe, that would have been better, so then I wouldn’t have endured another day of incessant texting).  And, stupid me...responded. This started a whirlwind of text. He told me about his family, asked me if my parents are divorced… At this point, my patience was wearing thin. My answers were averaging one word. I yelled out loud when I heard my phone buzz.  It was getting ugly. And then, he told me his dad died twelve years ago. I apologized. He told me that his family is all spread out…but they are still super close. And then, he asked what music I like. I told him we should save something to talk about on Sunday, when we had a date planned. I told him I have limited patience with texting and that I would much prefer talking when I meet him in two days. He said ok… Five minutes later …yes, just five minutes, he asked if I like dive bars, and began telling me all about one that he goes to. I responded with one word. And then he asked if I live with roommates… I didn’t respond. He sent another text letting me know that he lives alone in an apartment.  I then sent another text, letting him know that I am busy…and done texting. I told him we can talk when we meet. 

He managed to leave me alone for six hours…and then asked how my day was. I told him I was going to bed.

Next day, first thing, I get a text. He let me know everything he had going on that day. Then he asked if I like coffee. I said yes. He then asked how I dress when I go out…do I wear heels or flip flops. I didn’t respond. He let me know that he wears jeans and t-shirts. I didn’t respond. He waited four hours, and asked “what’s up?”. I still didn’t respond. He sent me three more texts, and an email, before he finally gave up. 

As I mentioned, I require lots of attention…but the Over-Texter took attention to a whole new level. It became creepy. He seemed obsessed. I was supposed to go to dinner with him tonight. I decided it would be a bad decision. What if he followed me home? What if he tried to kidnap me and force me to text forever?  Being texted to death sounds like hell to me! These thoughts keep me up at night, clutching my shotgun!

So…on to the next one. I hope he doesn’t have a phone!

Ugh, Dating!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Hello? I'm Back...sort of...I think, Maybe

I guess you all need an explanation on my slackage (yes, slackage…if it’s not already, it needs to be a word). I haven’t blogged in months…I needed a break! Dating is exhausting, physically and emotionally. I needed time to not care about anyone but me. A chance to be as selfish as I want without worrying of another person’s feelings….and it was AWESOME! I have loved almost every second of it. I say almost, because I have been to a few weddings and other gatherings where I was the only single person…nothing makes you feel more pathetic than the oldest and most solo person at a dinner table. But, I have mastered the art of the extra wheel…I have become a pro at not crying when someone asks if I am dating anyone…. And, although it took lots of practice in the mirror, I can smile and nod, and pretend I can relate to almost any couple-y type story. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a “couple”, I know these stories, and at one time could most certainly relate…but lately, I feel 100% single…and happy with it…most of the time of course. I have always been with someone or looking for someone…this is new territory for me, and it has been great. ..But let’s be honest, although I love making decisions with no one in mind but me, I’m no spring chicken.

The truth is, my looks are just gonna keep going downhill…unless I’m a Demi Moore, but I get a bad feeling I’m not. So I need someone to fall in love with me quick before I’m a total disaster. For instance, the other day, I realized my wrinkles are deepening. I have hit the age of the the deepening wrinkle! (Don’t worry, I’m doing all I can…I bought an aloe plant and apply it every day to slow this process, but I’m sure it can only do sooo much).  So, for these reasons (and my actively aging ovaries)…I think I need to start dating again.

So, with that said…I guess I need to get back out there. But what do I do, where do I go? I guess, I could tattoo “single and ready to mingle” on my forehead…in Henna, of course, I wouldn’t want that to be permanent…that could ruin everything!

I know I can just get back online…but let’s be honest, that really is only going to help this blog…

Ugh, Dating!