Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Twitchy Pot Smoker

I met the Twitchy Pot Smoker online, of course. The problem with online dating is you can’t tell from the pictures that the guy is twitchy, or high. Maybe they should start having videos instead of pictures so you can get a better vibe…although, that could be terrifying. I’m sure there would be endless videos that would be dirty, surprising, and traumatizing. There are tons of profiles with guys half naked, pulling their pants down just high enough to not be banned from these sites. I’m not joking…I have seen more than I bargained for on several profiles. So, at least the Twitchy Pot Smoker had clothes on in all his pictures.

It started by email. It started with cute conversations about how awesome our dogs our, and how awesome we are for both having Border collie breeds (well, I think mine is), and naming them Lily (although his had two ‘LL’…which should have been my first warning). We didn’t email much before deciding to meet…Which is how I like it. I’m not a fan of emailing, or as you know…texting, forever. I would rather meet and determine if I want to waste any more of my time and life on this stranger. (well, I guess it wouldn't be a waste...if I wanted to spend more time with him). So, he took my number. He texted just a few times, and didn’t ask any involving questions…so I thought this was looking good.

 Then he texted, asking me to send a photo for his contacts. I thought this was weird…and annoying. Can’t we just meet first to determine if I will even remain in his contacts? A friend of mine told me to relax…Maybe he has gone on dates with girls that looked 20 years older, or 100lbs heavier than their photos. Ugh….Fine. I sent him a photo… and secretly wished I could cancel the date. Maybe, this makes me sound crazy and unforgiving…but I’m kind of a pro now, and internet dating pro, and my patience is almost completely depleted. But, I guess that defeats the purpose…so I went on the date….Bad call!

He made me chose the place…which I also found irritating…isn’t that the man’s job? Not to mention, I hate making decisions… there are just so many wonderful options…how would you chose the right one? But, luckily for me, I was with a friend (cutting her hair), and she suggested a place. I love decisive people! And…she also, gave me a stern talking to (well, not really), and explained that the guy just moved here…he probably doesn’t know where to go. Fine…I'll get over it…but I’m not going to be excited!

So, we met at a dive bar. He was cute….but twitchy. I thought it was weird…but maybe he had a gallon of coffee before? Maybe, it’s some kind of ailment…and I shouldn’t judge? But then…he couldn’t look me in the eye…I could barely hear him talk because he was looking down or away…and I’m deaf (seriously…it’s becoming a problem. You can only say “what?” so many times). But…maybe he is just super shy and nervous?

When I would ask questions, he tried to avoid answering… he said he didn’t want me to change my opinion of him…What opinion? Did he think I had a good opinion so far? Did he just not want to make it any worse? 

He finally started talking more. He told me that he used to have long dreads and was a hardcore hippy. He told me that he is super liberal. I told him that I’m super conservative. He then started asking why I don’t think people should have healthcare. He told me that his mom died when he was 17 of cancer. He let me know it’s terrible that I am conservative. I told him that he is generalizing conservatives. Just because I follow one party more than the other…doesn’t mean that I follow everything…and just because I don’t like the health reform plan, doesn’t mean I don’t think there needs to be changes.

At this point the bouncer came over and said… “Hey you guys are breaking bar rules. You never talk about politics here…” I laughed and agreed. I told the Twitchy Pot Smoker that we probably won’t be a great match…he said we would. He said it would be fun. I said that I need another drink. He said he did too. …and then he just walks to the bar. He doesn’t ask me what I want. He just gets his drink and sits back down…so I get up and grab my own. Turns out, I know the bartender. He finds my situation hysterical. He couldn’t believe that the awkward guy was my date. He makes my drink extra strong…and tells me ill need it.

So, I sit back down. The Twitchy Pot Smoker admits he smokes weed…regularly. He says he has a medical card for it and that it’s awesome. I disagree. 

He tells me he loves 3D movies. I disagree….they make me car sick. This statement seemed to really upset him. He could handle the millions of other disagreements…but not liking 3D movies was a hard hit...apparently. But he said that he could get over it because I’m so pretty. Ummm….thanks?

Throughout the conversation, he had been throwing out cheap shots about my political beliefs. I had been patient, knowing that I don’t have to see him again…and trying to be polite. But, he threw out one too many. I told him that we are obviously not a match and that I’m gonna go home. I had only one sip from my drink, so it was very obvious I couldn’t handle anymore. He said”really? You can’t take a joke?” I said “apparently not”. So he ran to the bar and closed his tab…and I waited until he was long gone. I chatted with my friend, the bartender.

I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that likes to hunt, and fix things. The bouncer walked up, put out his hand and said “so, hi I’m The Bouncer” (ok…he didn’t say Bouncer, but in case I blog about him later, I need to protect his identity). I told the Bartender that I want to meet a guy that is conservative….The bouncer put out his hand again, smiled and said hi. Then the Bouncer told me to make my list. A list of what I am looking for. He said to put boxes next to each one, and told me he will check off the ones he fits in….so I did.

I made a list. He checked off every box (although some were half checked), and then he asked me for my number…. So we’ll see what happens. But starting off….it’s looking way better that the Twitchy Pot Smoker….at least the Bouncer looked me in the eyes.

Ugh, Dating!


  1. omg!!! Thank goodness you cut that guy off! The bouncer on the other hand, I love how he saved your conversation, he sounds so charming! Fingers crossed! xx

  2. I agree that we need video on the online dating ads. It would eliminate sooo many awkward "meet and greets".

    I can't believe this guy didn't even offer to buy you a drink. That would have ended it for me.

    And how do you feel about Bouncer? Obviously he is very taken with you. That's exciting if you feel the same.

  3. Does it make me a bad person that I laugh so hard at your sufferings?

  4. lol...nope! thats why i share. im such a giver ;)

  5. Oh, Chelsea! Have I told you how GREAT it was to meet you?! I'm with Davina--so sorry to be laughing, but I can HEAR you and SEE your smiling face telling this story! I hope the bouncer works out! I can't wait! <3