This is the hardest time I have had to come up with a name… Should I call him The Genius (obviously I did), The Mano (for those that speak Spanish…this is not meant as hand, but simply just man+o), The Underwear Cowboy (long story)…. Anyways, here ya go….The Genius!
I have known The Genius for 17 years. I went to the all girl school (probably where my problems all started), and he went to the all boy school. We met on the city bus. He would protect me from all the 60 year old creeps that would hit on me and tell me I should model….and from the one that brought me chocolates on Valentines Day. Seriously! As much as it pained me, I threw those chocolates away…he was 65ish, I was 15….who knows what kind of poison was in them? So, this is when my theory started… Older men love me, because they are at an age where they can appreciate a girl with some meat on her bones….although, now, that I am older…this is not the case…so I think they were just disgusting pervs. Anyways, the point is…The Genius always protected me.
I have never met anyone who doesn’t instantly fall in love with The Genius. He is good looking, insanely (you know insanity and genius is really a fine line) smart, funny, and charismatic… and he has been in love with me since high school. This seems like it should be a fairytale…doesn’t it? So whats the problem? Whats my problem (the one at hand…lets not dive into all of them)? Lets…start with some background…
The genius gets his name…for that simple reason… he is. He can solve a Rubik's cube in one minute…no matter how much you mess it up. I mean, seriously….who can do that? I think that is probably all the proof you need..but here is one more example…When he was a ten, he was allergic to blueberries, and spent the entire summer eating them, and building up a tolerance. He told me he wasn’t going to let a berry overpower him. I could give you many other examples…but I think that sums it up….Genius.
He has been high school president, done stand-up comedy, managed a bar, made money for his short (interesting) stories, and been in the navy. He broke his neck boxing, been hit by a Mack truck while riding his bicycle cross country, and lived through all of it. He has more stories to tell than anyone I have ever met…and whats scary is… they are all true. He is truly one of the few people I know, that is determined to get as much out of life as he can!
The Genius and I have so much history…that its hard to sum up…its hard to explain all of it. So I will just get to the bare basics. (bare basics…not bare bodies).
We will go years without talking at a time…because he makes me mad, and I cut him off. One time he grabbed me and kissed me in front of my boyfriend….I slapped him…and cut him off. One time he tricked me to go on a date with him (I thought his friend that I had a crush on was coming)…so I slapped him….and cut him off. The last time, I was talking to a guy…he thought I was interested in, he was drunk, and he told the guy “if you don’t treat her good, I will stab you”….so I cut him off. This is the thing…I know first-hand what its like to do crazy things when you love someone…and its not reciprocated in the way you want. (go to Welcome to Crazy…that’s me). I always forgive him, and ultimately I always want him in my life because he is a great person. And the truth is, I haven’t always been kind. Its amazing the things he has forgiven me for.
I don’t know why I cant return his feelings. Maybe it scares me that he has always, since the day we met, loved me for who I am. He has always accepted everything about me. He has always held me up so high….which is terrifying..because if you are up so high, there is only one way to go. I have even told him that if he really got to know me, he would be in a world of disappointment. He says he already knows me. He said he knows I'm not perfect, but that I am the truest person he has ever met.
The last time I reconnected with The Genius was after I had my heart broken…maybe this was selfish. I knew he would be there for me, I knew he would build me up. At one point, I even thought I could fall for him. I even told him that its funny because one day I would fall for him, and probably he would lose interest. He told me he would, right now, go sell his kidney to buy me a ring. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I have again, lost interest in romantic affairs…but we are still friends… and I hate that I cant feel the same about him!
So…what is it? Is it a cruel joke? To have someone love you through and through, the good and the bad…and yet, you just cant feel the same…no matter how bad you want to. Is it the fear that, you cant live up to the standards they have you at? Is it just bad timing? I have always believed that I don’t want what I cant have…maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, that’s what the problem is. Maybe, that’s why The Genius has always love me…because I am unavailable.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Wasted Love!