Dirk

Normally I don’t use actual names…but in this instance I had to…I think it really adds to the overall description of the guy.  I apologize if your name is also Dirk…Im sure you are totally cool and this will not at all apply to you.

Many years ago, I made the mistake of telling my friends that I like tall, skinny, geeks. This is a mistake, I will not make again….this mistake led me to Dirk.

Before I paint a picture (verbal picture…not actual painting…I am already traumatized enough by the memory, I don’t need a visual reminder), let me tell you how it all started…

My friend told me that she works with a guy, he does IT and is single and looking. She told me he is exactly what I am looking for, based on my descriptions. She told me that he is skinny and geeky. I was like “hell yeah! Set me up!”… I love skinny geeks.

Now, I think I should elaborate on what and why I go for the skinny geeks. When I say skinny, I don’t mean emaciated…close, but not quite. I like skinny, because I am not… I figure it is my obligation to give my kids a fighting chance. I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat, and eat, and eat….and never gain weight. I think that sounds amazing! And if I truly plan on loving my kids someday, I should try to give them what I didn’t get..right? With that said, I also don’t want to feel like I am going to crush bones when I hug someone. It really is a fine line…but important one!

As for the geek aspect….I don’t mean socially inept. I mean goofy and silly. Maybe, I should have said dork? Maybe geek means smart and weird, dork is silly and goofy? Maybe that’s where I went wrong… The thing is, I need someone silly…because I am. I don’t want to be with someone that just looks at me like I'm an idiot all day…I have had this happen…its awkward for both people.

So, anyways, now that you know what I mean…let me tell you what my friend did to me. (who, by the way, still laughs uncontrollably to this day, when thinking about it…so cruel). She decided that she would invite Dirk to her house warming party to meet me. She gave me a heads up…so I made sure to look super cute.

I got to the party before him…and when his bike rolled up, she elbowed me and pointed… at this point I wanted to run…what was she thinking? Dirk was beyond geeky…he was a neek….nerd-geek! His pants were hiked up past his belly button, and I knew this because his shirt was tucked in to show that extra high waist. He had black Reebok sneaker high tops on (everything on this guy rode high, apparently)… and he was on the line of emaciated…remember its an important line. If I accidentally stepped on this guy, I might kill him…which is also why I would be afraid to own a Chihuahua. Point being…he was not my type…at all!

But…I didn’t run. I stayed and prayed that my friend did not tell him about me. No such luck. He was following me around her house like a dog (or Chihuahua...). The conversation was brutal...it was mostly awkward silences with a lot of staring on his part.

At one point, my phone alarm rang…and he asked me what it was for. I said “nothing..just a reminder to take my medication”. He said “ooh, are you on birth control? So, you can have sex whenever you want? That’s great!”. I was speechless…uh, what just happened…I felt violated. So I walked away, and tried desperately to get involved in intense conversations with others at the party. Dirk took this opportunity to get beyond drunk. And lucky for me, he passed out on the couch. Sweet, sweet freedom! I was able to enjoy the rest of the party and go home.

The next day, my friend let me know that Karma had gotten her... Dirk had spent several hours vomiting after everyone else had gone home. Good job Dirk!!! Way to get her back for me!

I learned some valuable lessons back then… I know to never trust that friend again (with set-ups only…otherwise I love her), I know to elaborate in explicit detail what my definition is of a skinny geek (cause yes, that’s still my type), and to always have an escape route.

Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Dirk!