Monday, March 12, 2012

The cougar chaser

Ok….so technically, I am a Puma.  He taught me that age 30-40 are Pumas, age 40-50 are Cougars, and age 50-60 are Saber Tooths (or is that Saber Teeth).  It’s amazing the things you can learn from a Cougar Chaser. Although, I will say, I felt a bit better…all this time I thought I had to be extra careful, because I was in Cougar Territory… nope..just Puma Country. I wonder how low I need to go to be a Puma? All of us have a little Puma, Cougar, or Saber in us…so what exactly defines when its brought out?
Anyways….to the point:
I met the Cougar Chaser at a networking event. We exchanged cards. In fact, I exchanged cards with lots of people…its business… But the Cougar Chaser kept in touch. I thought it was all business… I was wrong. He asked me if I wanted to grab drinks sometime. Again, I thought this was business….because he is only 24 years old. I could be his momma…ok, not really.. but that’s NINE years younger… I think age doesn’t really matter much when you get to a certain age…but at 33 and 24…that’s a BIG difference. Which I tried to explain to him…as you will see.
So, we arrange to have drinks and he chooses a trendy restaurant in Scottsdale. He says he can pick me up because I am on the way…and then it dawns on me… “oh, shit! Is this a date?”  Should I put on lots of diamond (mine would be fake diamonds… Im not made of money. Sheesh) jewelry? (I picture Cougars as rich…right?) Should I wear some sort of leopard print (is there a Cougar print)?  But, I decide to dress like myself…no sense in feeding into something that will most certainly be going down- hill fast.  But, I am going to a nicer place, so I try to look presentable (which in my book, means 5 inch heels).
When he picks me up, I totally forgot that his career falls in the stinky (literally smells terrible) category…and that the stink involves his truck too. I should have offered to just drive…but it didn’t seem to faze him, and what if this could be a good networking opportunity… I don’t want to be rude. And, maybe, this isn’t a date… I mean, after all, he definitely wasn’t trying to impress me with his stink truck.
As we are pulling closer to the restaurant, I realize he is parking on the opposite side of the road, in the furthest spot. I asked him why we were parking so far from the place. He said he doesn’t like people to see/ smell the car he is coming from. Ok, I can totally understand that… But, I am also wearing 5 inch heels and now trying not to kill myself walking through both street lights on the cobblestone crosswalks. But, I made it...with out even breaking anything. (yes, still patting myself on the back for that).
At dinner, he doesn’t seem interested to talk much business. Mostly he is telling me all about himself.  His family, his high school life (yes, high school..because he is a child, and its his most recent experiences), his ex-girlfriend…etc, etc.  He doesn’t ask me anything…. So now, Im sure…this is a date… Ugh! So, me, being the soft spoken butterfly that I am, finally just ask him if this is a date. He says “well, I thought it would be nice to get to know each other”. I told him that it definitely can not be a date…Im way too old for him…not to mention, I feel like I was tricked into this date in the first place.
He told me he likes older women.  I told him that I have no interest in playing the Cougar card…and that’s when he shared with me that I am a Puma. He also was the one to let me in on all the definitions and age brackets. And then, he shared that he has dated all of them… a Puma, a Cougar, and a Saber Tooth.  So, at this point it was obvious, I had to be drastic!
I asked him if he wanted kids. He said yes, in a few years. Right now he really wants to work on building his business. I said, “exactly…and that’s what you should be focused on…but for me, my uterus is actively rotting…right now, as we speak… so I don’t have a few years.)  He was silent….. for a second.
But, this didn’t seem to really phase him… What the heck?  We talked through dinner…and the more he talked, the more clear it became, that the Cougar Chaser is looking for a mother. He wants someone with a nice house, a nice car, and empty nest syndrome that will pack him lunch everyday with all the food groups in it, and will a cute little note on the napkin saying she is proud of him. And, well…to be honest, I could see myself doing that...just would prefer it be for a man, not a boy... and with something naughty written on that napkin.
Luckily, there have been no more dates…and I actively try to send older women that love younger men and packing lunches his way.
Ugh, Dating! Ugh, trick dates!


  1. Hahaha! I know something is wrong with me because this isn't the first guy I thought, "I'd totally go on another date with him!" The video gamer comes to mind. Its a good thing I'm married or I'd be one hot mess!

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