Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tight Pants- The Package Man

I met Tight Pants online. We exchanged emails and then exchanged numbers. On our first phone call, we talked for over an hour…it was great! We had tons in common and he was a great conversationalist. The unfortunate part, was our relationship consisted of these phone calls for about a month.  As the month dragged on, I started to get concerned…what if when we met, he smells funny? What if he had chronic eye boogers? What if he is totally different in person? These are all concerns when meeting people online.
Before the Internet dating epidemic (yes, epidemic …lets be honest…it has affected lots of us!), people used to meet at school, at bars, at the library (where the good girls are)…and when you meet in person you decide right away if there is chemistry…and then you go on a date to determine if you actually like the person. With the Internet epidemic, you determine if you like each other and then meet to see if there is any chemistry….lets just say, this is a failing method! …atleast, for me!
Anyways, so Tight Pants… He had a daughter and lived on the opposite side of town….and it just seemed we could never get our schedules to work. Eventually we both lost interest and stopped talking…until, six months later…he called. He told me that he had been thinking about me, and had always really enjoyed our conversations, and just figured he would call to see if I was still available (which of course, I was… I had only been Internet dating...and we know how that turns out).
So we began talking again….still great conversation, still issues with meeting. Finally, he came clean with the fact that he was putting off meeting me, because he was down to the last $20 to his name for the next week. He is a teacher and makes no money...not to mention, child support and whatnot. He said this was embarrassing to him, but he could tell he needed to be honest….because at this point we had talked for almost 2 months (overall) and had never met. I told him that I could care less about his financial situation. I have a high respect for teachers, and its not like he is a loser that cant hold a job. So, I told him lets meet…this date is on me. I would rather pay, then drag this relationship out any longer without knowing if there is anything even there.
I drove to his side of town, a good 45 minutes away, and met him at a bar/grill. I was there about ten minutes early, because I am anal retentive about being on time…seriously, it makes me anxious and stressed when I'm running late…. Which all boils down to me wasting hours upon hours of my life, waiting on people…even when they are on time. But, of course, he was ten minutes late...
When Tight Pants arrived, he walked right up to me and gave me a hug…and we got up to move to a table…this is when I noticed it. His defined package in his cargo shorts…seriously? How does that even happen? Cargo shorts! On top of the fact that he is a little guy, maybe 5ft 8in…with shoes. It looked totally out of place…and I couldn’t stop noticing it. I was so uncomfortable.  Is there a sock in there? It just doesn’t seem natural…and again, cargo shorts! God, I hope he cant read my thoughts!!! Eventually, we sat down and I could focus on his face…and we chatted. It was awkward at first, as is always the case with the Internet epidemic, but after a beer we both seemed to relax.
Now, I know I offered to take him out….but I was assuming (stupid to assume) that meant a couple of drinks and maybe an appetizer. He obviously thought it meant dinner and six beers. I think maybe, Ive been had! But the night ends decent, just said goodbye and I went home. He called me the same night to thank me, and asked when he could see me again. Because I am stupid, I invited him to an art show that I was featured in. I figured, I could give him another chance, and there would be food and drinks there, so I wouldn’t have to pay for him. And after all, I always enjoyed our conversations.
The night of the event, we met out front. As he is walking up…there is that distinctive package again….what the heck! Where does he buy his clothes? He is wearing dress pants and looks very sharp….but all I see is that defined package. Unfortunately, the event is a night of standing…no sitting to distract from that thing. So I am uncomfortable all night…and find myself trying to avoid him. I finally realized this was a sign. I just don’t have the tact to date someone that only wears package emphasizing pants. So we said our goodbyes….and later told him that I wasn’t interested.
Ugh, Dating!

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