Is this the vibe I am emitting? Is it this blog, or just me?
To update you... it is 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake, after tossing and turning for hours and then finally sleeping for a bit...only to have really bizarre dreams…The final outcome of this sleepless night...is this, a blog to clear up a few things.
Last night I had a conversation with someone. He told me that it seems that I am desperate to get married and have kids. He told me he "gets it"...he has two sisters...and he knows when women hit 30 there is a sudden desperation…a desperation to have kids. He told me that this should not be what drives me. I responded by telling him "this is not my only motivation...I mean, of course, I would like to be a wife and a mother someday...but that doesn't mean I am going to sacrifice or settle to attain it". This is the truth…hasn’t always been, but it is now. He admitted that this blog is a large part to him feeling this way about me. So this is why I am here...at 4 in the morning... to clear things up.
I'm going to lay it all out....bare all of it! Here is the truth.
Its been a rough couple years...especially this last one. But, lets start with two years ago. I was in love...in love with someone I thought, with all of my heart, that I would marry. To make a long story short (er)...he broke my heart. This was a first for me. I never knew that 'heartbreak' physically hurt...I didn't know that it would take me over a year to even feel ok with being with another person...without it feel like I was cheating. I also didn't know that eventually I would be grateful he left...even though, it still hurts that he moved on so easily...so quickly...that I meant so little. That's the part that still, to this day, stings.
Anyways...I responded to this heartache by dating...dating up a storm. The more attention I got, the better. During that year of 'attention getting', I hurt a few people, a led a few people on, and I burned some bridges...These are all regrets...and I wish I could change how I reacted...but honestly, I just wasn't myself.
Anyways, lets skip to last year. January 2011, I decided I was going to take a break from dating. (I needed it after The Compulsive Liar…who was unfortunately the first man I really fell for after my heartbreak). So, I decided that I wanted to take the year (yes, the whole year) to just worry about myself. To be as selfish as I wanted, with no need to consider anyone else in my decisions. After all, the year before was spent trying desperately to be in a relationship and cover all of the hurt feelings I had. I thought that if I found someone new, I would stop hurting...unfortunately, it does not work this way….and sometimes that new someone leads to additional heartache…
So, I was excited. I was excited to not worry about dating, or meeting anyone. I was excited to take vacations, and build my business. I was thrilled to take the time for me....and to not be in a relationship, or looking for one.
In February, I got a bad diagnosis. I was told I had abnormal, cancerous cells, on my thyroid. I freaked out...I cried...I called my mom. After, she calmed me down, and I researched the thyroid gland, and everything to do with this surgery I was recommended...I realized it was no biggie. I wasn't happy to need surgery…as far as I'm concerned you should wake up prettier after surgery, not with a scar across your throat…but overall, I can live through this. I scheduled the surgery for the end of April....all is good....I thought!
The week before my surgery, I started having severe abdominal pain. After, urgent care, random antibiotics, and an emergency room visit, I found out I had a fibroid on my uterus. I went to the first doctor I could get into...he told me that there was a chance I would need a hysterectomy due to the size of the fibroid. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. I have always wanted children...my whole life...(except for a small period during college when I thought the world was just too cruel...oh young angst). After this appointment, I can honestly say I hit a low...a big time low. I luckily had the advice of my brother, who is a doctor. He told me not to let them give me a hysterectomy...that I could have my fibroid removed, and leave my uterus in tact. So, I moved on with my scheduled Thyroidectomy on April 21....and one month later, May 21, had a Myomectomy. Both of these were serious surgeries, both of them required recovery at the hospital...both of them SUCKED!!!
But...I was alive, I was lucky to have the most amazing mother in the world take care of me. I was lucky to have my family and friends. You realize how blessed you are when bad things happen. And, I am lucky....very lucky.
A few weeks later, checking up with the doctor, I asked what I could do to prevent these bastard fibroids from returning. I told him that I want to have kids someday. He told me that I better do it sooner than later....because a hysterectomy is the only prevention.....this caused me to date with a vengeance. Now, I had a constant pressure. Now I was too broke to travel, and too afraid to waste time.. I need to find my baby daddy!
The problem was that this motivation, was backed by a nagging depression about everything. By the constant fear of never being a mother.
So, I got back out there. I started dating...A lot! I dated, with one goal in mind...to meet my husband, and get the ball rolling. Mostly, these were first dates...as soon, as I thought these guys weren't marriage material or potential father figures, I moved on.
Towards the end of the year...with fruitless attempts at finding "the one"...I got talked into seeing a doctor to freeze my eggs. I never liked the idea. I think things happen for a reason...if I am meant to have kids...I will. But, I got convinced. I spent $300 for 15 minutes of a doctor telling me all this procedure entails...and that it cost $10k.... but more importantly....this all depressed me! This isn't how I envisioned my life...freezing eggs. I like the old fashioned way of baby making…fun for all parties involved….hopefully.
So, after a couple months, and after being sad for those months, I decided not to go through with it. I also, decided to stop dating. I'm tired. I'm tired of this constant pressure to date. I'm tired of feeling like my body has betrayed me...and the real truth is...I'm not ready. Maybe, if I met the right guy, I would be...but for now, I don't think I am ready to grow up and give up my freedoms. Its hard....for your mind and your uterus to be at opposing ends...
And, for now, I'm happy. I like my life, I like going after my business goals, and having the freedom to do what I want, when I want.
Don't get me wrong, I have days that I'm lonely. I have days when I cook dinner, and wish that I was cooking for someone. I have days that I have nothing to do because all of my friends are spending time with their boyfriends. I have days when I wish I had someone other than my mom to call with good or bad news. I have days when I wish I had someone to make me feel protected and safe. I have bad days….but not near as often as the good days.
And, yes, I would love to meet someone. I would love to have someone to get excited about....but not enough to go chasing after it right now...not anymore...not for awhile!
So do I want a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly? Yes, someday. Am I desperate for these things? I have had moments of desperation for this....but, am I overall desperate for these things? ....not at this moment!