Saturday, January 14, 2012

Desperate for a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly?

Is this the vibe I am emitting? Is it this blog, or just me?

To update you... it is 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake, after tossing and turning for hours and then finally sleeping for a bit...only to have really bizarre dreams…The final outcome of this sleepless night...is this, a blog to clear up a few things.

Last night I had a conversation with someone. He told me that it seems that I am desperate to get married and have kids. He told me he "gets it"...he has two sisters...and he knows when women hit 30 there is a sudden desperation…a desperation to have kids. He told me that this should not be what drives me. I responded by telling him "this is not my only motivation...I mean, of course, I would like to be a wife and a mother someday...but that doesn't mean I am going to sacrifice or settle to attain it". This is the truth…hasn’t always been, but it is now.  He admitted that this blog is a large part to him feeling this way about me. So this is why I am here...at 4 in the morning... to clear things up.

I'm going to lay it all out....bare all of it! Here is the truth.

Its been a rough couple years...especially this last one. But, lets start with two years ago. I was in love...in love with someone I thought, with all of my heart, that I would marry. To make a long story short (er)...he broke my heart. This was a first for me. I never knew that 'heartbreak' physically hurt...I didn't know that it would take me over a year to even feel ok with being with another person...without it feel like I was cheating. I also didn't know that eventually I would be grateful he left...even though, it still hurts that he moved on so easily...so quickly...that I meant so little. That's the part that still, to this day, stings.

Anyways...I responded to this heartache by dating...dating up a storm. The more attention I got, the better. During that year of 'attention getting', I hurt a few people, a led a few people on, and I burned some bridges...These are all regrets...and I wish I could change how I reacted...but honestly,  I just wasn't myself.

Anyways, lets skip to last year. January 2011, I decided I was going to take a break from dating. (I needed it after The Compulsive Liar…who was unfortunately the first man I really fell for after my heartbreak). So, I decided that I wanted to take the year (yes, the whole year) to just worry about myself. To be as selfish as I wanted, with no need to consider anyone else in my decisions. After all,  the year before was spent trying desperately to be in a relationship and cover all of the hurt feelings I had. I thought that if I found someone new, I would stop hurting...unfortunately, it does not work this way….and sometimes that new someone leads to additional heartache…

So, I was excited. I was excited to not worry about dating, or meeting anyone. I was excited to take vacations, and build my business. I was thrilled to take the time for me....and to not be in a relationship, or looking for one.

In February, I got a bad diagnosis. I was told I had abnormal, cancerous cells, on my thyroid. I freaked out...I cried...I called my mom. After, she calmed me down, and I researched the thyroid gland, and everything to do with this surgery I was recommended...I realized it was no biggie. I wasn't happy to need surgery…as far as I'm concerned you should wake up prettier after surgery, not with a scar across your throat…but overall, I can live through this. I scheduled the surgery for the end of April....all is good....I thought!

The week before my surgery, I started having severe abdominal pain. After, urgent care, random antibiotics, and an emergency room visit, I found out I had a fibroid on my uterus. I went to the first doctor I could get into...he told me that there was a chance I would need a hysterectomy due to the size of the fibroid. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. I have always wanted children...my whole life...(except for a small period during college when I thought the world was just too cruel...oh young angst). After this appointment, I can honestly say I hit a low...a big time low. I luckily had the advice of my brother, who is a doctor. He told me not to let them give me a hysterectomy...that I could have my fibroid removed, and leave my uterus in tact.  So, I moved on with my scheduled Thyroidectomy on April 21....and one month later, May 21, had a Myomectomy. Both of these were serious surgeries, both of them required recovery at the hospital...both of them SUCKED!!!

But...I was alive, I was lucky to have the most amazing mother in the world take care of me. I was lucky to have my family and friends. You realize how blessed you are when bad things happen. And, I am lucky....very lucky.

A few weeks later, checking up with the doctor, I asked what I could do to prevent these bastard fibroids from returning. I told him that I want to have kids someday. He told me that I better do it sooner than later....because a hysterectomy is the only prevention.....this caused me to date with a vengeance. Now, I had a constant pressure. Now I was too broke to travel, and too afraid to waste time.. I need to find my baby daddy!

The problem was that this motivation, was backed by a nagging depression about everything. By the constant fear of never being a mother.

So, I got back out there. I started dating...A lot! I dated, with one goal in mind...to meet my husband, and get the ball rolling. Mostly, these were first dates...as soon, as I thought these guys weren't marriage material or potential father figures, I moved on.

Towards the end of the year...with fruitless attempts at finding "the one"...I got talked into seeing a doctor to freeze my eggs. I never liked the idea. I think things happen for a reason...if I am meant to have kids...I will. But, I got convinced. I spent $300 for 15 minutes of a doctor telling me all this procedure entails...and that it cost $10k.... but more importantly....this all depressed me! This isn't how I envisioned my life...freezing eggs. I like the old fashioned way of baby making…fun for all parties involved….hopefully.

So, after a couple months, and after being sad for those months, I decided not to go through with it. I also, decided to stop dating. I'm tired. I'm tired of this constant pressure to date. I'm tired of feeling like my body has betrayed me...and the real truth is...I'm not ready. Maybe, if I met the right guy, I would be...but for now, I don't think I am ready to grow up and give up my freedoms. Its hard....for your mind and your uterus to be at opposing ends...

And, for now, I'm happy. I like my life, I like going after my business goals, and having the freedom to do what I want, when I want.

Don't get me wrong, I have days that I'm lonely. I have days when I cook dinner, and wish that I was cooking for someone. I have days that I have nothing to do because all of my friends are spending time with their boyfriends. I have days when I wish I had someone other than my mom to call with good or bad news.  I have days when I wish I had someone to make me feel protected and safe. I have bad days….but not near as often as the good days.

And, yes, I would love to meet someone. I would love to have someone to get excited about....but not enough to go chasing after it right now...not anymore...not for awhile!

So do I want a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly? Yes, someday. Am I desperate for these things? I have had moments of desperation for this....but, am I overall desperate for these things?  ....not at this moment!

34 comments:

  1. Interesting blog!

    Not sure what the final pathology of your thyroid was after the surgery, but the abnormal (atypical) cells are not necessary cancerous.
    I always turned down by women I met (because they may just look for temporary relationship)

    ReplyDelete
  2. IYes..not all abnormal cells are cancerous, but they told me mine looked cancerous...so I removed my entire thyroid (leaving me dependent on meds for the rest of my life)...final pathology came back totally normal...I don't understand how the two reports could be so different but not much I can do now but deal....and luckily it is not a big deal....a pain in the ass, but not a big deal.
    Overall 2011 is over and im excited to just get on with 2012 :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow!! You have been through so much. I can relate to some things on here. I dated a total jerk and liar for 11 years!! I thought we'd sure marry. At 22 they also found a fibroid in my uterus and my ob/gyn told me that she has delivered babies for women with fibroids the size of grapefruits. So she advised me not to mess with it until after having kids. Mine did not appear to be abnormal. Anyway, after I dumped the liar/cheater/bimbo/tool/airhead hot boyfriend and swore off dating. A few months after the grand master "dump" I met my husband and I was a b!+©# to him but he was persistent and we knew after 4 months we wanted to be together, we both just knew. We married 6 months after we were officially dating and it's going to be 3 years next month. Don't be discouraged we all have our own unique journey to go through. All of these occurences within our own journey help us fight our battles, be a better "you", and appreciate certain things or people. Don't ever forget you are very special and deserve the best! Your prince charming is out there and he may not be what you expect but you will know when you meet him. My husband was not what I expected. LOL!


    Take care and sending you many hugs!

    -L.Tepeyac

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know it is too late but due to the fact that only 20 out of 100 thyroid neoplasms removed are cancerous second opinion is necessary before the surgery!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well said, insightful

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    Replies
    1. ARE YOU FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CONCEIVE ?

      My partner and I have been trying for a baby for over seven years, Finally i am now a mother now

      Anyone with this problem should please do contact doctor climent Scott now he will help you too

      -- trying to get pregnant for years
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      I will only advice every other woman TRYING TO GET PREGNANT or have Fallopian tube issues, pcos and other infertility problem too do their research and don’t base your option only on anyone’s advise, I did and it resulted in waste of money and time. contact Dr climent on email: drclimentscott@gmail.com because I have discover Dr climent. long time ago and I would have been pregnant earlier if I follow my heart and buy the herbal herbs but I disregard it because of my doctor’s advice and I am annoyed at myself but at the same time I am happy that I made the wise decision by going back to Dr climent, for his herbal herbs. Now I am a strong believer of this herbal herbs natural medicine. Thank You.contact Dr climent for bringing this joy into my home am so happy at last am now a mother of twins am the happiest woman on earth thank god i came back for your herbal herbs i no so many marriages out there finding it difficult to conceive i will surely encourage them to have fate and contact you on your email or number for help contact Dr climent now via drclimentscott@gmail.com drclimentscott@gmail.com Or his whatsapp number. +2347036879479 drclimentscott@gmail.com
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    ReplyDelete
  18. Hello To The World At Large,I am from USA.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY MY FRIEND IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS THAT HE CAN CAST A SPELL THAT CAN MAKE YOUR LOVER FALLING LOVE WITH YOU FOREVER. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a woman should give to a man,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my friend use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to her that will make her love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my friend office to ask him the secret that made his wife love him so dearly,In the first place he refused in telling me,he asked me why i am asking him such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told him the reason that made me ask him about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before him for him to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask him,he opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what he want to tell me,my friend started to say to me that he used a very powerful spell on his wife to love him,And the spell that he used is harmless, But the spell is just to make her love him and never to look for any other man except him. I QUICKLY ASK HIM HOW DID HE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,he said that a friend of him also introduce him to the spell caster. Then i also ask him how i can meet with this spell caster.HE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr,ZACK BALO .My next question to him was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,he said he is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really he gave to me this spell caster email address wiseindividualspell@gmail.com and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next three days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in their faces !! The direct email to get this man is : wiseindividualspell@gmail.com or you call his phone number +2348078927387 ,This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks Regards Matthew,

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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  23. Hello everyone,my name is Kate Johnson. I was able to hack my husband's phone remotely and gained access to all his texts and calls we with the help of ghosthacker2351@gmail.com,he is reliable and if you require his services tell him I referred you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thanks Anita. After seeing your post on here i contacted nightwatch366@gmail.com and then i actually thought he's among them scammers but he did my job within 24hrs he's work is cheap and secured without trace.
    he is sure the best when it comes to hacking services like:
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    ReplyDelete
  25. OMG!!, Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, i live in South Africa and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(shedispellcaster@gmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website http://shedispellcaster.blogspot.com,if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Shedi for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.{shedispellcaster@gmail.com} , Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thanks to { dr.obho } he is a great spell caster who brought my ex husband back

    I want to tell everyone about my meeting with ( dr.obhogreatspell@gmail.com) who bring back my ex lover within the the period of 2days... At these
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    dr.obho, who you can simply reach through this email address: (dr.obhogreatspell@gmail.com)

    1. He has got charms/spell to take away bad luck & give good luck in life

    2. He fix broken relationships, marriages

    3. He treats Bareness

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    homes.

    5. He bring back lost lover/family

    6. He Makes court cases/divorces/bad debts to disappear.

    7. He has herbs for losing weight

    8. He solve financial and domestic difficulties

    9. He has a spell charm to bring back stolen goods.

    10. He has got a sale quick potions to boost customers in business.

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    12. He can make your admired partner to be yours.

    13. He has herbs to make long live with HIV

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    15. He has a spell/charms that can make you have a good job.

    16. He can stop someone to interfere in your love relationship/family

    17. He has mixtures of herbs for sexual weakness.

    18. He has herbs to enlarge your sexual system to satisfy your partner.

    19. He cure madness/stress/addictions/long illnesses.

    20. He treat sexual transmitted infections quickly.

    21. He has lucky spells/charm to increase your wealthy.

    22. He has charms for gambling/lotto/ casinos.

    23. He has powerful herbs for curing early ejaculations.

    24. he has charms to protect away from car robbers/hijacker/properties
    attack& Etc


    contact me of any of these today at: ( dr.obhogreatspell@gmail.com ). GOT ALL YOUR SOLUTION HERE

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi everyone,
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    This team of certified grayhat hackers helped me when I desperately needed to get evidence of my cheating husband’s extra-marital affairs. I was tired of being lied to and wanted a divorce, all thanks to them for their reliable services else I would never have been able to confront him with proof of his escapades

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ARE YOU FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CONCEIVE ?

      My partner and I have been trying for a baby for over seven years, Finally i am now a mother now

      Anyone with this problem should please do contact doctor climent Scott now he will help you too

      -- trying to get pregnant for years
      -- Irregular Menstrual Cycles
      -- Delayed Periods
      -- Endometriosis
      -- Ovarian Cyst
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      -- Low Sexual Drive

      I will only advice every other woman TRYING TO GET PREGNANT or have Fallopian tube issues, pcos and other infertility problem too do their research and don’t base your option only on anyone’s advise, I did and it resulted in waste of money and time. contact Dr climent on email: drclimentscott@gmail.com because I have discover Dr climent. long time ago and I would have been pregnant earlier if I follow my heart and buy the herbal herbs but I disregard it because of my doctor’s advice and I am annoyed at myself but at the same time I am happy that I made the wise decision by going back to Dr climent, for his herbal herbs. Now I am a strong believer of this herbal herbs natural medicine. Thank You.contact Dr climent for bringing this joy into my home am so happy at last am now a mother of twins am the happiest woman on earth thank god i came back for your herbal herbs i no so many marriages out there finding it difficult to conceive i will surely encourage them to have fate and contact you on your email or number for help contact Dr climent now via drclimentscott@gmail.com drclimentscott@gmail.com Or his whatsapp number. +2347036879479 drclimentscott@gmail.com
      +2347036879479 +2347036879479

      Delete
  28. Do you need hackers for hire? Do you need to keep an eye on your spouse by gaining access to their emails? As a parent do you want to know what your kids do on a daily basis on social networks ( This includes facebook, twitter , instagram, whatsapp, WeChat and others to make sure they're not getting into trouble? Whatever it is, Ranging from Bank Jobs, Flipping cash, Criminal records, DMV, Taxes, Name it,he will get the job done.He's a professional hacker with 20 Years+ experience. Contact him at dragonhhacker@gmail.com ... Send an email and Its done. Its that easy, Daura referred you

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hello,am JANE from UK i want to thank DR OKO ( solutionhome@outlook.com )for what he has done for me in my life,After my lover left me for over 6MONTHS without no notice i was so frustrated and confused i never knew what to do until i got in contact with my best friend in Canada by name Whitney,After she told me the great deeds of DR OKO how people talk good about him on radio stations and internet so she gave me the contact in contacting DR OKO,which i did. i called DR OKO and told him how my lover left me for over 6MONTHS,He told me just to be happy that i will have him back to my arms that its only a FAITH AND TRUST ,i was like is this real mean while i had fate in DR OKO that he would bring back my lover, to my surprise after 24hours i got a call from a man who has left me for over 6MONTHS begging me for forgiveness,Which i did,And now we are together and he love’s me more than anything on this earth and cant do with seeing me a day am so happy and am bringing this great news to the great people of UK and USA,That there is a man who can bring back happiness to their life's am happy today with the one i love. please you can contact DR OKO for help on his private mail: SOLUTIONHOME@OUTLOOK.COM

    ReplyDelete
  30. How Dr Lucky The Great Spell Caster help Bring Back My Ex Lover

    Hello My name is Hurt Wisely, Am from USA, Texas. and I am very happy for posting on this blog on how a great spell caster helped me in bringing back the love of my life. I know there are lots of Man out there like me Who Have done so much to Have Their wife back, I am here to tell you all to search no further Because the answer is right here. I sincerely believe if there are up to five spell casters like Dr Lucky this world would be a better place, I have seen people complaining on how fake spell castes promised to help them but could not but With Dr Lucky I tell you your problem is solved already. My wife and I Had Been apart for 4 years and I Could not bear living without With her, I have tried everything To have her back but nothing was working until i saw Numerous testimonies About a spell caster called Dr Lucky and how great His Work is. I Contacted him via email (realspellcasteronline@gmail.com) Immediately and follow the step That I ask and in less than 48 hours my lover called me and was eager for my forgiveness and I Wished That nothing more than to Have me in Her arms forever . I filled so much joy and happiness That I found Dr Lucky, I hope you will find here all you want in this testimony of mine and get your wife back in just 4hours thanks ... His contact email: realspellcasteronline@gmail.com) or (realspellcasteronline@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  31. I never ever believed in these blank ATM cards so i have always been reluctant to purchase the blank ATM card online because i know for a fact there fake hackers" out there, but i was convinced that it really works when a close friend at my place of work got the card & we confirmed it really works, without delay i gave it a go, so i contacted mitchbourne(@)cyberservices.com who helped my friend out, since then i have been able to do allot of personal jobs with him like, Whatsapp conversation, Facebook, Icloud, emails, He doesn't request for money first until he has proven to you he is capable of the job and you will be satisfied before sending any cash to him, and the amazing part is he also works with Proofs. I'm glad for his help.

    ReplyDelete
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