Friday, September 30, 2011

The Creepy Perv

As you all have started to notice…I have been on LOTS of dates. One of the things I have started to notice is that the more excited I am to meet someone, the more horrifying they are. This was no exception with The Creepy Perv. This actually may have been one of the worst ones yet!!!

We met online, which is apparently a breeding ground for serial killers and creepos! Which might be a bit unfair for me to say, because I think he was my first serial killer…but definitely not my first creepo. And lets be honest, we have all read the stories. Which is why I always meet at a public place and never tell them my last name... I don't want to end up in a Hefty bag.
We chatted a few times on the phone, it seemed we had quite a bit in common. I only had one clue that he was creepy… I told him that I plan to get my deviated septum fixed and that I am excited to be able to breath better…should make exercising easier, etc… he said “breathing problems huh? How are you during sex?”. Ugh, really? I said “I will not even respond to that.” I cut him a break because I know boys (or lets be honest... women too) can be pervs….and I chalked it up to him just being a guy…a stupid guy.
(note: guys-if you are reading this… keep your dirty comments to yourself… nothing turns a girl OFF faster than cheesy sex comments…before you have even had sex…or kissed for that matter.)
He called, asked me out, and suggested a restaurant to go to. I was impressed. Way to be a man, Creepy Perv!
I was excited to meet him. He seemed to be on top of things.
We meet. He is way less attractive in person…which made it really awkward when he asked if he looked like his photos. “uh…sure….ummm….yeah you do (as I look to the right)…do I?” I didn’t really care if I looked like my pictures…I know I do. I even make sure to put a few up that aren’t as flattering…I want people to know what they are getting…not show up and be disappointed….like I usually am.
We sit down to eat…luckily I love the restaurant he chose. And the dim lighting is making him way more tolerable to look at. He asks if I want an appetizer. I say “I don’t need one… but if you put it in front of me, I will probably eat it.” He says “promise?”….as he winked, with a perverted smirk on his ugly, stupid face. And then I threw up on him while I was punching him! Ok…maybe that was just what happened in my head. The reality was I pretended I didn’t hear him, and mentioned the guacamole.
During dinner, we talk about whatever random (no way to make them sexual) interests that I can come up with. We started with movies. He mentions that he likes horror flicks.. I tell him that I am not a fan…no way, I scare myself. I let him know that I can be almost paranoid about watching my surroundings, etc. and then I say “its silly because I really doubt I would ever be a target…I don’t look like prey.” He says, “you never know, someone might want the challenge”…while raising his eyebrows and grinning at me. Seriously? Get me the F out of here!!!
At this point, I was trying to think about how I could pretend to go to the bathroom and take off. But the tables are close together and it would be hard to get by him without touching him. Not to mention, how could I pretend I am just going to the bathroom, and take my left-overs?
So, we continue talking. We talk about our exes. I talked about how I joined a singles group right after I had my heart broken… and how much it helped me, but that it was tough at times because there was someone spreading rumors that I was sleeping with everyone…and then, that I was a tease.  The Creepy Perv said “well I guess we will see which one you are after tonight.” I said “I can tell you right now, there is no way in hell anything is happening”. He said “so, you are a tease then..haha”. Its times like these, where I regret not telling someone to give me an ‘emergency call’.
Again, I didn’t leave. As I am writing this, I am embarrassed that I didn’t. I should have thrown down my napkin, told him he was disgusting (and 40lbs heavier than his picture), and stormed out. But I guess when you are in the midst of it all, you go into survival mode…and it doesn’t fully register until you are out of there…and blogging about it.
So, the date continued… He mentioned guns, because I had told him in an email, that I had been shooting before and I really enjoyed it. He said he owns tons of guns...and a bow and arrow. I asked him if he hunts. He said he did. I asked what. He just smiled and winked at me. CREEPY!!! I said “are you going to tell me what you hunt or are you going to just sit there and look creepy?” So, he said elk, etc. and that he recently shot one and has a bunch of meat in his fridge if I want some…. Ummm, no thanks! I have never eaten Elk and I wouldn’t know if it tasted like the “other white meat”…so I am not going to take that chance.
We eat…and then he orders coffee…and is just dragging along…Ugh, get me out of here!!! Finally, I tell him that I need to get home and that I told him I wanted to be home 20 minutes ago. So he grabs the bill and says “ill get this one”… uh, do you see me reaching for my wallet?
I hit the restroom on the way out and text my friend that if she doesn’t hear from me in five minutes to call the cops! This guy might try to kidnap me!
We walk out, and he starts to walk with me. I ask him where he is parked. He says he will walk me to my car. Finally a guy walks me to my car…except this one probably has a cloth soaked in chloroform just waiting for the right moment!
Luckily….I'm still here…..with a knife strapped to my thigh...just in case!
Ugh, Dating!

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