Monday, September 19, 2011

The Old, Slow Talking Emailer

Obviously I couldn’t choose one name/concept for him….so I went with them all.

So to start, I will explain all of the names. The Old part was based on my moms reaction to his picture. She said, “oh….he looks so old, Chelsea”. So now, when talking to my mom about him, he is The Old Guy. By the way, he is only 38…but I have to give it to her, he looked a bit older in some of his pictures. Or maybe, she is refusing to realize that my pool of men has gotten old….just like me. Tear!
The Slow Talker…is well, just that….a slow talker…pretty self explanatory. But it drove me nuts….I am a busy woman, I have blogging to do…can you please speed it up a little!

And last…and probably best, The Emailer! He did just that, he emailed me. I met him online, so of course there is emailing at the beginning, but once you exchange numbers, the emailing is not necessary. He emailed me options for our date. Really? Be a man, make a plan, and roll with it. I hate making decisions on these sort of things. You asked me out, so I assume you are paying. I don’t want to choose what you are paying for. Right? And more importantly, don’t email it! How about a phone call? Although, now that I think about it…I should be greatful it was an email…lord knows how long it would take him to spit it all out over the phone.

Lets start from the beginning. As I mentioned already, we met online. He emailed me a long thoughtful email, and I responded letting him know that I met someone I was interested in pursuing (My Future husband) and good luck with his search. At this point I hid my profile. I know it was stupid…to put all of my eggs in one future husband basket, but I tend to have a one track mind. When I meet someone I like, they are the only one I like, no one else has a chance. Although sometimes there are guys I like, but I can tell they are not in the same place as me, or they are only looking to get in my pants (like The Booty Caller…coming soon), so I keep dating. I don’t like what I can't have.

Obviously My Future Husband didn’t pan out, as intended (an no, I still have not heard from him), so I opened my profile back up. The first day back on, I got another email from The Old, Slow Talking Emailer. He said, he noticed I was back on and wanted to know if I wanted to chat…he also mentioned that he is not a “crazy stalker guy” but just normal like me. Now, that I have met him…I disagree. He didn’t seem crazy, but he definitely is not like me! And lets be honest, I am not that normal.

After a couple weeks, I emailed him back. Eventually we moved to a phone call. The first question he had for me was “why did it take you so long to write me back?”. Its amazing how hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I should have realized this guy would be way too emotional for me. Emotions are great, being sensitive is great…but please wait until we have been on at least one date. So I answered as best I could. I cant remember what I came up with….but apparently it was acceptable.
We talked on the phone a few times. Finally he asked me to meet. He said he didn’t want to do dinner, because he didn’t want it to seem like an interview. I have had several guy friends tell me they don’t like to do dinner for a first date, because it can get so expensive…and I get a point! Personally I think that men get to pee outside with ease, they don’t get monthly cramps and crying episodes, they can lose ten pounds by giving up orange juice in the morning…they can pay for my dinner!!! But fine, whatever, you don’t want to do dinner. No problem. But this is the email I got:

So here's some ideas i thought of for tonight. Let me know your top two or three and I'll make a plan...(and depending on what they are, we may be able to combine a couple)...

mini golfing
tooling around old town scottsdale or downtown tempe
checking out one of the Halloween stores that's open
Dave & Buster's
karaoke bar in scottsdale (Ernie's)”

Ok. Lets Break this down. Mini golfing? No offense, but it is still 100 degrees outside…that’s totally what I want to do, be super sweaty and insecure on a first date. Tooling around? What does that even mean? Check out a Halloween store. Does he think this is an episode of Rock of Love, and I'm going to model costumes or something? Dave and Busters…passable… Karaoke on a first date. Seriously?

All of these ideas were major time commitments. For a first date, especially when you have never met, keep it simple. If you don’t want to fork it out for dinner, do drinks or coffee, or ice cream….

So I said Ernies works…but I am not singing.

When I met him, I gave him a hug, which he seemed scared of. And then we sat down. First thing he asked me was why I wanted to do this. You give me a bunch of crappy first date ideas, and then you berate me for picking one? Ugh!

When someone started to sing, he asked me to sit next to him in the booth so I could see. Again, this is a first date. I don’t want to be right up in your face when I turn to talk to you. So I didn’t talk much. He said “you don’t ask a lot of questions huh?” I said “would you like me to ask some more questions?” He said “not if I have to tell you to”…. Oh lord! Not to mention, if I ask a question, who knows how….long…he…will…take….to………….answer.

About 5 minutes later, he said “well, I guess you need to get home to Lily”…. Uh yeah, I guess… I get it you're not interested. So we left and he didn’t walk me to my car. Go figure. He didn’t want to buy me dinner, of course he is not going to walk me to my car.

The next morning I wake up to a text from him: “Chelsea, could u give me an honest assessment of how I come off on first dates? Haven’t been having much luck lately. Do I look or come across different in person than on my profile or over the phone?”

(This is the 3rd time I have been asked my opinion or why I wasn’t interested after a date…I really need to stop saying how honest and up front I am, so maybe they will stop asking.)

 I responded “I’ll email you!”  

Ugh, Dating!


  1. Oh my does he think he came across... besides being Old, Slow Talking Emailer..he obviously is an idiot and total loser....good luck to him ever finding anyone...unless she was all of the above also and likes to tool around and go to Halloween stores and totally desperate...really??? funny Chelsea.

  2. Show him this blog. That should sum it

  3. Pace yourself in that email, you don't want to overwhelm him. Maybe you should email him your opinion of the date one word at a time...

  4. You should start banging all these guys...

  5. by the sounds of that DOUCHEY (is that spelled right?) comment....did i date you?