The Single Holidays

During the holidays, its like a mad rush to meet someone…but I think that is because people are not focusing on the positives of being single. Sure, it sucks going to all the holiday parties by yourself (unless there are cute single boys waiting for your amazing charm and phone number at these parties)…but normally that is not the case. Normally, you are wandering from one couple to the next, trying not to be the third wheel… and hoping that another desperately single person arrives.

But, instead of focusing on the bad, I like to focus on the good side of the dreaded SINGLE HOLIDAYS…

For instance… This week, I bought myself a cute purse I had been wanting for over a month. If I was in a relationship, I would have had to spend money on my boyfriend…not this year! Instead, I got to spend my money on me! Now, I know, this also means that I am not receiving any gifts…but lets be honest, my imaginary boyfriend bought me exactly what I wanted…I couldn’t say that this would happen with a real boyfriend.  

I also, get to spend the holidays with my family. I don’t have to share my time with ‘his’ family. There is no debate, no discussion….just exactly what I want to do, when I want to. I can wear my pajamas all day long, and no future In-laws will be there to judge me! Heck yes!

On New Years Eve, I can make out with as many boys as I want…not just one. More kisses=more good luck the following year…right?

So, to all my single friends out there… Merry Christmas!!! And Happy, Kiss-full, New Year!

The Compulsive Liar

He only told the truth about the things most people would lie about…

I met The Compulsive Liar online…ofcourse.  We went from initial contact, to talking, to meeting in two days. I knew from our first conversation that I would probably fall for him…I also had a feeling that I shouldn’t.  He was a smart-ass, exactly what I tend to go for.

We met at a bar for our first date. I was smitten as soon as I saw him. He was cute and looked great in his jeans. More importantly though… he made me laugh.  We talked about tons of things, like how much he loves his job, and that he had only been to one wedding, and that he made a point to watch Judge Judy everyday. It was a great date. I went home extra smiley. And then…he called me the next day…and everyday after that…until the end.

One week into dating him, he asked me to come over and meet his brother. I told him I wasn’t ready for that step yet. Meeting the family is a big deal! A few days later, he asked me if I would like to have dinner with him, I said yes…and then he said “great, because I already told my brother you were coming, and it would be rude to cancel.” Ugh, really? He trapped me! So, I went… and absolutely loved his family. They were funny and sweet…but definitely gave me a hard time…jokingly.

The next week, he wanted me to meet his friends… on the way out, in the car, he told me that he had a porn addiction. He told me that it was no longer a problem. Ah…what? What do you say to that? Not to mention, the internal conversation I had with myself…”Uh, is he going to try to slap me in the face with his business…(yes, I said business)? Am I gonna have to get implants? When he brings me dinner, am I going to have to say “I have no money to tip you…maybe I could repay you another way…wink wink”.  I am not a fan of porn…I don’t like the unrealistic expectations it places on sex…especially if someone is so obsessed with it, that his family and friends had an intervention… but, I just ignored it…put it in the back of my mind. I mean, everything else about him was wonderful…he liked spending time with me, he made me laugh, he would tell me that I am beautiful….wonderful…. I thought…

Although, it was weird… so many things he told me, later would come up different. On our first date, he told me he had been to one wedding… a month into dating, somehow it came up that he had been to three. There were a ton of little discrepancies like this…but I really didn’t think anything of it. I mean, who lies about such useless things! Especially, someone that told me about his porn addiction (which I probably would have never found out about), and many other personal details that I don't feel right sharing...even without using his name. But, lets just say...he told me quite a few things that many guys lie about...all things, I would not have known immediately.

After two weeks, he asked me to be exclusive. I said no. My last relationship went from meeting to living together in two months… I didn’t want to rush anything…and then, I felt like a jerk. I didn’t want to date anyone else. I'm not good at dating multiple people. So I agreed. And then, everything was going great. We got along perfectly. He was not perfect, by any means, but I liked him…a lot. In fact, everyone that met him, loved him.

It all started down hill one day, when we were hanging out at my house. I went to check my Facebook messages. My computer, automatically logs me in…I had no idea, he had even used my computer… I went to my messages, and clicked on someone random…didn’t know who it was…and apparently, I was in his account. It was messaging back and forth, between him and some girl. He was telling her that he still thinks about her, and wants to get together, etc. At this point, we had been dating for about two months. I asked him about…and showed him what I found. I told him, if he wanted to date her...he could. I'm not about to hold him back. I don't want someone that wants someone else. He then admitted that he had never been faithful. He said, nothing happened, and that he felt terrible. He said, he really wanted to be a better person. He said, he really wants to be with me. And, because I am stupid…I forgave him….but didn’t fully trust him.

A couple days later….after feeling sick to my stomach…I checked online. He had told me (without me asking) that he took down his dating profile…so I decided to take a look. Not only, was his profile still up…but he had been online that day. So I broke up with him.

A few days passed...and he texted me. He said he was sorry, he said that I dont deserve to be treated that way. He said lots of things... and again, I forgave him. I mentioned I am stupid right?

About a month later, I caught him in the same old lies... but this time, I didn't forgive him.

I still sometimes think about him…and sadly enough, miss him…the good parts anyways. And I still don’t understand… he was sweet to me, and genuinely seem to care about me. He saved the receipt from our first date…he said he kept it, because he knew he would be with me. He wanted to show me off to his friends and family. He wanted to be around me all the time. He told me all of the horrible things he went through as a child, and all the things he hoped for in the future. He cried to me about these things. 

So…did he use me to make an ex jealous? Was he just a player? Or did he genuinely care?

The truth is…I hope to meet someone like him again…just lacking the porn addictions, the white lies, and the troubled heart!

Ugh, Dating!

The Genius

This is the hardest time I have had to come up with a name… Should I call him The Genius (obviously I did), The Mano (for those that speak Spanish…this is not meant as hand, but simply just man+o), The Underwear Cowboy (long story)…. Anyways, here ya go….The Genius!

I have known The Genius for 17 years. I went to the all girl school (probably where my problems all started), and he went to the all boy school. We met on the city bus. He would protect me from all the 60 year old creeps that would hit on me and tell me I should model….and from the one that brought me chocolates on Valentines Day. Seriously! As much as it pained me, I threw those chocolates away…he was 65ish, I was 15….who knows what kind of poison was in them? So, this is when my theory started… Older men love me, because they are at an age where they can appreciate a girl with some meat on her bones….although, now, that I am older…this is not the case…so I think they were just disgusting pervs. Anyways, the point is…The Genius always protected me.

I have never met anyone who doesn’t instantly fall in love with The Genius. He is good looking, insanely (you know insanity and genius is really a fine line) smart, funny, and charismatic… and he has been in love with me since high school. This seems like it should be a fairytale…doesn’t it? So whats the problem? Whats my problem (the one at hand…lets not dive into all of them)? Lets…start with some background…

The genius gets his name…for that simple reason… he is. He can solve a Rubik's cube in one minute…no matter how much you mess it up. I mean, seriously….who can do that? I think that is probably all the proof you need..but here is one more example…When he was a ten, he was allergic to blueberries, and spent the entire summer eating them, and building up a tolerance. He told me he wasn’t going to let a berry overpower him. I could give you many other examples…but I think that sums it up….Genius.

He has been high school president, done stand-up comedy, managed a bar, made money for his short (interesting) stories, and been in the navy. He broke his neck boxing, been hit by a Mack truck while riding his bicycle cross country, and lived through all of it. He has more stories to tell than anyone I have ever met…and whats scary is… they are all true. He is truly one of the few people I know, that is determined to get as much out of life as he can!

The Genius and I have so much history…that its hard to sum up…its hard to explain all of it. So I will just get to the bare basics. (bare basics…not bare bodies).

We will go years without talking at a time…because he makes me mad, and I cut him off. One time he grabbed me and kissed me in front of my boyfriend….I slapped him…and cut him off. One time he tricked me to go on a date with him (I thought his friend that I had a crush on was coming)…so I slapped him….and cut him off. The last time, I was talking to a guy…he thought I was interested in, he was drunk, and he told the guy “if you don’t treat her good, I will stab you”….so I cut him off.  This is the thing…I know first-hand what its like to do crazy things when you love someone…and its not reciprocated in the way you want. (go to Welcome to Crazy…that’s me). I always forgive him, and ultimately I always want him in my life because he is a great person. And the truth is, I haven’t always been kind. Its amazing the things he has forgiven me for.

 I don’t know why I cant return his feelings. Maybe it scares me that he has always, since the day we met, loved me for who I am. He has always accepted everything about me. He has always held me up so high….which is terrifying..because if you are up so high, there is only one way to go. I have even told him that if he really got to know me, he would be in a world of disappointment. He says he already knows me. He said he knows I'm not perfect, but that I am the truest person he has ever met.

The last time I reconnected with The Genius was after I had my heart broken…maybe this was selfish. I knew he would be there for me, I knew he would build me up. At one point, I even thought I could fall for him. I even told him that its funny because one day I would fall for him, and probably he would lose interest. He told me he would, right now, go sell his kidney to buy me a ring. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I have again, lost interest in romantic affairs…but we are still friends… and I hate that I cant feel the same about him!

So…what is it? Is it a cruel joke? To have someone love you through and through, the good and the bad…and yet, you just cant feel the same…no matter how bad you want to. Is it the fear that, you cant live up to the standards they have you at? Is it just bad timing? I have always believed that I don’t want what I cant have…maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, that’s what the problem is. Maybe, that’s why The Genius has always love me…because I am unavailable.

Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Wasted Love!

The Gentleman

I figured I would share a story of a great guy…since I am starting to sound a bit jaded and bitter. Not all the dates I have had have been terrible…my problem is that most of the good dates come with bad timing.

I met The Gentleman about one month after I got my heart broken…for the first time. (bad timing). He did everything right…more than right…he courted me. I had never had anyone be so thoughtful and considerate before. He found out my interests and planned the dates accordingly.

Our first date, he drove twenty minutes out of the way to pick me up (and he opened my car door). We went to a restaurant known for their mac and cheese selection…specifically because he found out that I am like a five year old….and love mac and cheese. After dinner we went on a gondola ride and got a drink at the hotel. He never made a move on me…total gentleman! …so I did! (Don’t get ahead of yourself, we just kissed). At the end of the night, he took me home, walked me to my door, and asked to see me again….ummm, heck yes! Of course, I want to see him again…I like a man that knows how to treat a woman.

Our second date, he took me to the Art Museum…again, he knows I am an artist, so he planned something thoughtful for me. Amazing isn’t it? Maybe, its because he is older than me…Maybe, its because he was taught properly…who knows? But, from experience…I know that this kind of man doesn’t come around often.

So now, I bet you are wondering… “how did she screw it up?” Well, let me tell you…

As I mentioned, I met The Gentleman only one month after getting my heart ripped out! I know this sounds dramatic…but that’s what is felt like. I had never had my heart broken before..I used to be the breaker. I never knew that it physically hurt, I never knew that you wouldn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, and would cry until your tears turned to sand.  I didn’t know how to handle it…do I did the  only thing I could think of…I started dating immediately. I wanted the attention. I wanted to feel like my ex made a terrible decision…because there are tons of guys that would want me. So, I dated everyone that asked… and because I was so emotionally unavailable…a lot of guys asked.  (this is the trick apparently).

I was honest with The Gentleman, I told him that I was dating multiple people…and that I wasn’t ready to settle down. He was fine with this…until I went on a date with someone he knew. (I know, I know…I am an asshole). He was an adult about it. He told me that he was falling for me, and it was too much. He said he knew that it wouldn’t end well for him, and he wanted to bow out now. I freaked! Was I going to throw away the best guy that had ever come my way? Was he the right guy, at the wrong time? I couldn’t stand to let him go. .. so I told him that I would date him exclusively. .. and then I freaked again! Wait, is he my boyfriend? I feel like I'm cheating…even though my ex has been with someone else since before he left me…but I was so devoted to him. Basically, I was an emotional wreck! The gentleman and I dated five days, exclusively. And I couldn’t handle it. He saw it coming. And after some time…has forgiven me for being such a loser.

We are still friends…and I would like to point out, that I didn’t leave him for someone else… I just simply lost my mind!

But, Thanks Gentleman. Thank you, for proving to me that there are really nice guys out there! (side point: for those of you that believe the nice guys finish last…The Gentleman is marrying a total hottie soon…he totally didn’t finish last…so don’t be afraid to be nice).

Ugh, Dating…..Ugh, Timing is everything!

The 5 Stages of Grieving...I mean, Dating!

Dating is a lot like Death... There is a grieving process, and you have to go through all the stages... The longer the relationship or courtship, the more stages you go through.

So, here is a break- down of my experience in the stages of dating:

The Denial Stage: When I meet a guy, and we hit it off, I believe the game is over. He likes me, I like him…its all good! I am in total denial that the ‘Game’ should continue. I don’t pretend that I am busy when I'm not, I don’t intentionally miss his phone calls, or act uninterested.

Here is a scenario to prove the problem with this:

Me: “I like you…youre cute!”

He hears: “I cant wait to see your face everyday for the rest of my life…can you please put a baby in me NOW!”

When I tell someone that I like them…it doesn’t mean I will like them forever. Its like they think the interview process is over. They already got the job, and instantly joined a Union…and they have job security. So now, they can be a lazy jerk head…and more importantly..now they are more interested in some other job…cause this one, was way too easy to get!

*Note: Boys, if I tell you I like you…that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you…it means that at this moment I like you…that moment can change in a heartbeat…so don’t get too comfortable.

The Anger Stage: This is my second most popular ‘zone’. I get angry when I feel like I'm not being heard…or I'm being taken for granted.  I get angry when someone assumes what my expectations are! I guess this bothers me, because I am so up front with what I want. If I want to be with you exclusively, you will be the first to know…so don’t assume that I have already named our future children because I want to go on a second date!

*Intermission…  (I need to cool off after being in the ANGER ZONE!!!)…

Ok, I'm good… did some meditation, broke some glass, yelled at a neighbor…and may, or may not have called someone a “stupid head”… I feel so much better!

The Bargaining Stage: This is when I think that maybe I jumped to conclusions…maybe, he was having a rough day…or maybe he found out he tiled his bathroom in the wrong pattern. Maybe, I should give him another chance…he seemed like such a great guy! I'm sure something terrible has happened…

I rationalize that he just needs space. He probably is scared that he met the perfect person for him…he didn’t think that he would meet the one he wants to marry so quickly… he needs to get so much accomplished before he can be the man he wants to be…for me.

*Note: The Bargaining Stage is a bunch of Balogna… Whenever I am outside of this stage, I realize how stupid I was…stupid bargaining stage!!!

The Depression Stage: Is it me? Why am I so unlovable? I thought we had fun, I thought we had chemistry…why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? What did I do wrong? Maybe, I will just be alone forever! Maybe its not even worth it! ….and lots of crying!!!

*Luckily…I don’t get to this stage too often… I mean, honestly…its depressing!

The Acceptance Stage: Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be! Thank god, I dodged that bullet! Moving on…Next!

I jump to this stage a lot… Most of my dates never get me to the Bargaining or Depression Stage…thank god!

Ugh, Dating!!!

The Husband Trainer

Yep…that’s me!

So, today my ex…the only one that has ever broken my heart…is getting married today! Don’t ask me how I know (instead refer to Welcome to Crazy (that’s me)). This year alone, I have had 4 exes get married…these are the ones I know about…so it made me think…hmmmm….there must be some connection…

Yep, I have it all figured out! I, without knowing until now, am a fantastic husband trainer. Maybe this is my calling…maybe this is what my life plans were always meant to be.

Men like to claim that they wish women would be more up front with what they want and need….but these are lies! The truth is: MEN DON’T LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO…and well, I tell them all the time. I am up front with what I want and need in a relationship. I don’t play the “you should already know” game. There is no guessing with me..everything is out in the open (no not my girlie parts…just my thoughts…sheesh).

When you actually tell a man what you want or expect, they have no excuses. They say that they wish women would be more blunt and honest…because they know most women wont do that, and then they have an excuse of why they didn’t….until they meet me!

But, the good news is that…they learn from me what women want…and when they meet you…they will buy you flowers, and tell you that you're beautiful, and take out the trash without being asked. With me, they cant actually do those things…because I tell them I like it…therefore telling them what to do..and they are ALL MAN…No one tells a man what to do!

So, ladies…youre welcome!

 If you would like a list of my exes, I am happy to oblige. Although most are married now…because they learned how to treat a woman right!

Ugh, Dating! Ugh, Husband Training!

My Ideal Man

Since many of you have been asking me what I am looking for….Here it is.

I want to meet someone like my dog, Lily Pants…except way less K9 and way less female… and preferably less furry (although I am willing to compromise).

She is always happy to see me, always forgives me if I am cranky or crazy, and lets be honest, she is smarter than most of the men I meet. Not to mention, she protects me when I am weak, and cuddles me when I am sad. All in all, she accepts me for who I am… crazy, weird, scattered….all of it.

I want a man that isn’t afraid to show he cares…even if there is a risk of heartbreak. Someone that is smart and witty, and willing to communicate.

I know that no one is perfect. I am willing to compromise. If he wants to chase after dump trucks, and bury my gifts….I can handle that. I would even be willing to pick up his shit…although if this is taken literally…that might get weird.

But, truthfully, I really am just looking for a man. A man that knows who they are, and knows what they want. I tend to be attracted to conservative guys, that own guns and trucks, and like to fix things…but even these are things I can forgo. I just want someone that is honest and grown up enough to not play games. If he plays hard to get…Im over it. I don’t want what I cant have. I don’t play games, and I have no problem telling someone I like them….this is normally where I go wrong…I guess.

Find me a good ole cowboy that likes to take care of his lady…and can still dress up nice J

I'm sure this is what everyone wants…and I'm sure its hard to come by. Maybe this is why I am still single. The truth is though, you still need a connection…and attraction. It can be hard to find the guy that is what I am looking for…and at the same time, be what he is looking for. They say it’s a numbers game. They say there is someone out there for everyone….maybe “everyone” is less picky…who knows!

In the meantime, I'm just working on spells that will turn my dog into a man, a human man.  And when the spell takes, I'm gonna teach that bitch to scratch back!

Ugh, Dating!