Tight Pants- The Package Man

I met Tight Pants online. We exchanged emails and then exchanged numbers. On our first phone call, we talked for over an hour…it was great! We had tons in common and he was a great conversationalist. The unfortunate part, was our relationship consisted of these phone calls for about a month.  As the month dragged on, I started to get concerned…what if when we met, he smells funny? What if he had chronic eye boogers? What if he is totally different in person? These are all concerns when meeting people online.

Before the Internet dating epidemic (yes, epidemic …lets be honest…it has affected lots of us!), people used to meet at school, at bars, at the library (where the good girls are)…and when you meet in person you decide right away if there is chemistry…and then you go on a date to determine if you actually like the person. With the Internet epidemic, you determine if you like each other and then meet to see if there is any chemistry….lets just say, this is a failing method! …atleast, for me!

Anyways, so Tight Pants… He had a daughter and lived on the opposite side of town….and it just seemed we could never get our schedules to work. Eventually we both lost interest and stopped talking…until, six months later…he called. He told me that he had been thinking about me, and had always really enjoyed our conversations, and just figured he would call to see if I was still available (which of course, I was… I had only been Internet dating...and we know how that turns out).

So we began talking again….still great conversation, still issues with meeting. Finally, he came clean with the fact that he was putting off meeting me, because he was down to the last $20 to his name for the next week. He is a teacher and makes no money...not to mention, child support and whatnot. He said this was embarrassing to him, but he could tell he needed to be honest….because at this point we had talked for almost 2 months (overall) and had never met. I told him that I could care less about his financial situation. I have a high respect for teachers, and its not like he is a loser that cant hold a job. So, I told him lets meet…this date is on me. I would rather pay, then drag this relationship out any longer without knowing if there is anything even there.

I drove to his side of town, a good 45 minutes away, and met him at a bar/grill. I was there about ten minutes early, because I am anal retentive about being on time…seriously, it makes me anxious and stressed when I'm running late…. Which all boils down to me wasting hours upon hours of my life, waiting on people…even when they are on time. But, of course, he was ten minutes late...

When Tight Pants arrived, he walked right up to me and gave me a hug…and we got up to move to a table…this is when I noticed it. His defined package in his cargo shorts…seriously? How does that even happen? Cargo shorts! On top of the fact that he is a little guy, maybe 5ft 8in…with shoes. It looked totally out of place…and I couldn’t stop noticing it. I was so uncomfortable.  Is there a sock in there? It just doesn’t seem natural…and again, cargo shorts! God, I hope he cant read my thoughts!!! Eventually, we sat down and I could focus on his face…and we chatted. It was awkward at first, as is always the case with the Internet epidemic, but after a beer we both seemed to relax.

Now, I know I offered to take him out….but I was assuming (stupid to assume) that meant a couple of drinks and maybe an appetizer. He obviously thought it meant dinner and six beers. I think maybe, Ive been had! But the night ends decent, just said goodbye and I went home. He called me the same night to thank me, and asked when he could see me again. Because I am stupid, I invited him to an art show that I was featured in. I figured, I could give him another chance, and there would be food and drinks there, so I wouldn’t have to pay for him. And after all, I always enjoyed our conversations.

The night of the event, we met out front. As he is walking up…there is that distinctive package again….what the heck! Where does he buy his clothes? He is wearing dress pants and looks very sharp….but all I see is that defined package. Unfortunately, the event is a night of standing…no sitting to distract from that thing. So I am uncomfortable all night…and find myself trying to avoid him. I finally realized this was a sign. I just don’t have the tact to date someone that only wears package emphasizing pants. So we said our goodbyes….and later told him that I wasn’t interested.

Ugh, Dating!

GG....a friends experience

Throughout this blog, I have had many people tell me their personal dating tragedies, and I have been wanting to share their stories as well. Now you know that it is not just you...and not just me.
Here is a blog, written and experienced by a friend of mine. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did. And, if you would also like to share a comical experience of your own, email me at paintthepet@gmail.com.
So here it is..the story of GG....

Good Guy (GG)

I met GG at a bar on a night where I was dressed like a pirate. Yes, a pirate. The singles club I’m in was holding its annual Pirate Treasure Hunt which is a loose translation for “drunken pub crawl in which you get to look and act ridiculous.” Exactly my kind of party. Well, the ridiculous part, anyway.

As I’m hanging with my girlfriends, I feel a tap on my shoulder. GG said something along the lines of ‘when I saw you walk in, I had to come over and meet you.’ I believe I gave him a visible eye roll. Having come fresh out of a ‘relationship’ (I use quotes because I don’t even know what to call it) where I had been lied to pretty consistently, I wasn’t in the mood to hear a bad line. I mean, it was bad enough that about an hour before I met GG, I had been crying in the previous bar having heard more things that I had been lied to about from a guy I will affectionately refer to as “I thought you were ‘the one’, but you’re really an effing douche bag.” We’ll call him DB for short.

So GG wasn’t in the greatest of spots to try to win me over. But I had a good buzz going so I thought, okay, I’ll talk to this guy for a while. As we’re chatting, my friend and famous blogger, makes the observation that he looks like Bruce Willis. He kind of did! So I’m talking to Mr. Willis and we’re having a pretty good chat for me being slightly intoxicated. We exchange numbers and he promises to text me the next day. I mentally told myself that I wouldn’t hold my breath.

But lo and behold, I get a nice text the next day saying he hoped that we all got home safely and that he’d like to take me to dinner sometime. Cool. Says he’ll call me later. Again, I figure that’s his code for blowing me off and I would just continue with my regularly scheduled program of doing my own thing. I’ll be damned if he didn’t call. I had been on Facebook posting pictures of the cruise I had just taken, being careful not to include any with douche bag and being reminded of every lie he told me on that trip. I hate when people ask me about that trip. The best answer I can come up with is “it’s almost as if it never happened.” It’s the most truth I can give without throwing him under the bus although I’m not sure why I care about protecting him.

Oh yeah, that’s right. We’re talking about GG.

Anyway, my conversation with GG was a little short because I think he could sense that I was distracted. So he says he’ll call me on Wednesday. In the meantime, I noticed that he’s not an over texter…a great relief. I honestly wasn’t giving this guy much thought. Going through the emotions of the break-up I had just encountered seemed to be taking up most of my time. I think I would have been annoyed getting all sorts of texts throughout the day. On Wednesday, true to form, he calls. We make plans to go out that Friday. I wish I could say I was excited. But I felt nothing. And sadly, I knew going in that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. But as my friend told me, “go and let someone be nice to you…you need that right now.” She was right. So when Friday rolled around and all I wanted to do was sleep, I mustered the energy to meet GG in Old Town Scottsdale.

He picked a nice place – I was impressed. We meet there and get into the parking lot at practically the same time. When I get out of my car, I noticed he’s changing his shoes. He apologizes and says that if he had his way, he’d never wear shoes. Not a good start. I have never been a barefoot walker. I love my precious (and I do mean precious…I could be a foot model) feet and the thought of anything making them look or feel anything but uncomfortable in a cute pair of shoes is a no-no. J The only exception to that rule is playing volleyball in the sand. I’ll take the scratched up pedi for the love of the game. No worries. I can always put another clear coat on later.

But I digress.

So as GG is changing his shoes and explaining how he picked the place, I notice something I had not before. Was that a lisp? Wait for it…yep. Indeed. Subtle. But I come from a family that can immediately zero in on any person’s quirk and then imitate it. Seriously. It’s a wonder that I have any self-esteem at all with the way my brother makes fun of me. But I can’t help it. It’s been a way of life so long that even taking a short glimpse into my future, my very first thought is no way he could ever meet my brother. Sad.

Then, as we’re walking to go in the restaurant, I notice something else. Was he that short last week? I mean, he did just put his shoes ON, right? Ok, so here it goes. I find that I give my heart pretty openly, and once I’m committed to someone, I can overlook all of their quirks. But if I had my druthers, I would never date anyone who wasn’t 3-4 inches taller than me…in heels. There is something extremely comforting about my head landing in a man’s chest when he hugs me. If a guy is my height or shorter, I inevitably feel like I’m bear hugging him. No joke. Ugh. I want to go home.

But I stick it out. So we sit. I’m going to make the best of this date dammit. So I put on the best smile I can and we begin to chat. As we do, I get a nice little waft of something. Mmmm. That smells so good. Where do I know that smell? I believe I stopped talking mid-sentence. Same cologne as DB. #$%@#%$#%@#$%$#%@#%#$. So much for taking my mind off of him. Focus, Belinda. You can do this. So I push away all of the images that scent is bringing back from the cruise ship where I was told so many lies. “It’s almost as if it didn’t happen….” I kept telling myself.

So our server makes her appearance, hands us our menus and introduces herself to us. Yeah. Same name of DB’s ex who I’m sure he went back to after me…again. It was the piece of information I had been crying about a week earlier in my pirate gear. Mother f**ker. Am I not supposed to have a nice night out?!?!

I excuse myself for the restroom. It’s a little early in the date to be making a bathroom break. I hadn’t even sipped my water yet. But I had to brush off the crap that was lingering in my thoughts. After a few deep breaths and a quick little tissue fix from where my eyes had begun to tear, I hold my head up and go back out to Mr. Shorty, Lispy Willis, aka GG.

I give him my best effort. He tells me about his hiking trips, his outdoorsy adventures, how he is practically tied at the hip to his dog, how he’s in construction, how he’s kind of a loner, how he had never been ready for anything serious before, but he knew exactly what he wanted now, etc. Mind you, he wasn’t saying these things as if I were the person he wanted to be with (unlike DB). He was talking in general. One of my beliefs is that I don’t want to be with someone who needs me for them to be happy. I want someone who is happy in and of themselves and WANTS to share that with me. GG said something very similar. So here he is. A good guy who knows exactly what he wants. And I couldn’t be any less interested.

I begin telling him a little about me. The crazy costume/flash mob that I did on the cruise with my friends, my love of adventure, my extroverted personality and my princess-y nature (if you know me, you know that I spend a lot of time working out…in a gym. I am not really a hiker or a camper or anything involving the outdoors unless it’s sunbathing or a group sport of some kind).

Oh, so one more thing. When I met him, I asked him his sign. I know, I know. It’s cliche. But I’m big on astrology and believe there are right and wrong matches. My past 2 failed relationships were a huge testament as to why you should not defy astrology. So when he tells me he’s a Virgo, I’m kind of put off. My dad is a Virgo. Even though we get along just fine, every single Virgo man I have ever met (even in my own family) has been cheap. Hmm. Maybe I should say stingy. You’re not going to get these guys to part with their money very easily. They may save up and get something they really want, and it will be very nice, guaranteed. But that is a rare occurrence. I’m in no way a gold-digger. But it sure would be nice to meet someone who wouldn’t mind taking the reins in the financial dept. for once.

So, we converse fairly well through dinner. He picks up the check (waves my wallet away when I begin to open it). I think, well, perhaps I’m wrong about him. Or perhaps it’s a first date and he’s got his best foot forward. As we walk out of the restaurant, I see him remove $5 from the tab, on the sly. Really dude? But, again, another example of why I trust astrology.

He’s not really sure what to do next, so he suggests we walk around Old Town until we find something suitable. I’m wearing fairly comfortable shoes, so I agree. After 3 blocks, we end up across the short street from where we had dinner and choose to sit in the balcony of a restaurant. Neither of us order a drink, except for some water. I had half a mojito at dinner and decided that I needed to be ready to drive because this date was going nowhere.

As he’s talking about a construction job, I zone out. I don’t mind him talking about work, but it seemed that he never did a single interesting thing in his life. I know this because I asked him what was the most interesting thing he had ever done. By the way, he repelled 800 ft. Pretty cool, I do admit, but he had done this 2 weekends before. Seriously? Your most interesting moment JUST happened? Oh and by the way, that repel was paired with an overnight camping trip. I stifled a yawn.

When I tell him I have to get going, he asks if we can do this again. I said GG, thank you for a great evening. I don’t want to impede your search. You sound like you know exactly what you want, but we are too different. Go find your girl. I’m not her. He looked visibly pissed, but I felt there was no sense in wasting any more of our time. After I had to explain why we wouldn’t work (seriously, you can’t see the differences??), he walked me to my car. I was clutching on to my purse and I walked by him and said “Thanks!” and got in. I have to admit, it might have been a little humiliating for him had anyone been watching. But I never felt the urge to touch him or be next to him, let alone kiss him good night.

So I drove home, singing ‘brokenhearted girl’ songs , wishing GG all the best and telling myself that I will not go on another date until I could give it my best. It’s just not fair to anyone to be hung up on someone else while trying to make something new happen. That last statement was written strategically for me and a little someone I call DB.

Desperate for a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly?

Is this the vibe I am emitting? Is it this blog, or just me?

To update you... it is 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake, after tossing and turning for hours and then finally sleeping for a bit...only to have really bizarre dreams…The final outcome of this sleepless night...is this, a blog to clear up a few things.

Last night I had a conversation with someone. He told me that it seems that I am desperate to get married and have kids. He told me he "gets it"...he has two sisters...and he knows when women hit 30 there is a sudden desperation…a desperation to have kids. He told me that this should not be what drives me. I responded by telling him "this is not my only motivation...I mean, of course, I would like to be a wife and a mother someday...but that doesn't mean I am going to sacrifice or settle to attain it". This is the truth…hasn’t always been, but it is now.  He admitted that this blog is a large part to him feeling this way about me. So this is why I am here...at 4 in the morning... to clear things up.

I'm going to lay it all out....bare all of it! Here is the truth.

Its been a rough couple years...especially this last one. But, lets start with two years ago. I was in love...in love with someone I thought, with all of my heart, that I would marry. To make a long story short (er)...he broke my heart. This was a first for me. I never knew that 'heartbreak' physically hurt...I didn't know that it would take me over a year to even feel ok with being with another person...without it feel like I was cheating. I also didn't know that eventually I would be grateful he left...even though, it still hurts that he moved on so easily...so quickly...that I meant so little. That's the part that still, to this day, stings.

Anyways...I responded to this heartache by dating...dating up a storm. The more attention I got, the better. During that year of 'attention getting', I hurt a few people, a led a few people on, and I burned some bridges...These are all regrets...and I wish I could change how I reacted...but honestly,  I just wasn't myself.

Anyways, lets skip to last year. January 2011, I decided I was going to take a break from dating. (I needed it after The Compulsive Liar…who was unfortunately the first man I really fell for after my heartbreak). So, I decided that I wanted to take the year (yes, the whole year) to just worry about myself. To be as selfish as I wanted, with no need to consider anyone else in my decisions. After all,  the year before was spent trying desperately to be in a relationship and cover all of the hurt feelings I had. I thought that if I found someone new, I would stop hurting...unfortunately, it does not work this way….and sometimes that new someone leads to additional heartache…

So, I was excited. I was excited to not worry about dating, or meeting anyone. I was excited to take vacations, and build my business. I was thrilled to take the time for me....and to not be in a relationship, or looking for one.

In February, I got a bad diagnosis. I was told I had abnormal, cancerous cells, on my thyroid. I freaked out...I cried...I called my mom. After, she calmed me down, and I researched the thyroid gland, and everything to do with this surgery I was recommended...I realized it was no biggie. I wasn't happy to need surgery…as far as I'm concerned you should wake up prettier after surgery, not with a scar across your throat…but overall, I can live through this. I scheduled the surgery for the end of April....all is good....I thought!

The week before my surgery, I started having severe abdominal pain. After, urgent care, random antibiotics, and an emergency room visit, I found out I had a fibroid on my uterus. I went to the first doctor I could get into...he told me that there was a chance I would need a hysterectomy due to the size of the fibroid. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. I have always wanted children...my whole life...(except for a small period during college when I thought the world was just too cruel...oh young angst). After this appointment, I can honestly say I hit a low...a big time low. I luckily had the advice of my brother, who is a doctor. He told me not to let them give me a hysterectomy...that I could have my fibroid removed, and leave my uterus in tact.  So, I moved on with my scheduled Thyroidectomy on April 21....and one month later, May 21, had a Myomectomy. Both of these were serious surgeries, both of them required recovery at the hospital...both of them SUCKED!!!

But...I was alive, I was lucky to have the most amazing mother in the world take care of me. I was lucky to have my family and friends. You realize how blessed you are when bad things happen. And, I am lucky....very lucky.

A few weeks later, checking up with the doctor, I asked what I could do to prevent these bastard fibroids from returning. I told him that I want to have kids someday. He told me that I better do it sooner than later....because a hysterectomy is the only prevention.....this caused me to date with a vengeance. Now, I had a constant pressure. Now I was too broke to travel, and too afraid to waste time.. I need to find my baby daddy!

The problem was that this motivation, was backed by a nagging depression about everything. By the constant fear of never being a mother.

So, I got back out there. I started dating...A lot! I dated, with one goal in mind...to meet my husband, and get the ball rolling. Mostly, these were first dates...as soon, as I thought these guys weren't marriage material or potential father figures, I moved on.

Towards the end of the year...with fruitless attempts at finding "the one"...I got talked into seeing a doctor to freeze my eggs. I never liked the idea. I think things happen for a reason...if I am meant to have kids...I will. But, I got convinced. I spent $300 for 15 minutes of a doctor telling me all this procedure entails...and that it cost $10k.... but more importantly....this all depressed me! This isn't how I envisioned my life...freezing eggs. I like the old fashioned way of baby making…fun for all parties involved….hopefully.

So, after a couple months, and after being sad for those months, I decided not to go through with it. I also, decided to stop dating. I'm tired. I'm tired of this constant pressure to date. I'm tired of feeling like my body has betrayed me...and the real truth is...I'm not ready. Maybe, if I met the right guy, I would be...but for now, I don't think I am ready to grow up and give up my freedoms. Its hard....for your mind and your uterus to be at opposing ends...

And, for now, I'm happy. I like my life, I like going after my business goals, and having the freedom to do what I want, when I want.

Don't get me wrong, I have days that I'm lonely. I have days when I cook dinner, and wish that I was cooking for someone. I have days that I have nothing to do because all of my friends are spending time with their boyfriends. I have days when I wish I had someone other than my mom to call with good or bad news.  I have days when I wish I had someone to make me feel protected and safe. I have bad days….but not near as often as the good days.

And, yes, I would love to meet someone. I would love to have someone to get excited about....but not enough to go chasing after it right now...not anymore...not for awhile!

So do I want a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly? Yes, someday. Am I desperate for these things? I have had moments of desperation for this....but, am I overall desperate for these things?  ....not at this moment!

The Crush

I met The Crush through mutual friends. They told me I should talk to him because he is a great guy and looking for the same things I am looking for. They said he wants to get married and have kids "like yesterday". Apparently this is also the vibe I give out....maybe its all the rotting ovaries comments.

Point is, I did talk to him and I did like him. He is funny...and as an added bonus, he is tall and skinny. Oh yeah!

So, I gave him my card...I know, lame...but, I just got them and was eager to hand them out. Two weeks passed...I never heard from him, and then my friend told me to come to a party with her because he would be there. I told her it was silly. I mean, if he was interested, he would have called. She told me boys are stupid...and well, I just couldn't argue with that!

At the party, I saw him and went over to say hello. He was obviously less than interested in having anything to do with me...in fact, most of the night it seemed he was avoiding me like the plague. I figured someone had told him I was interested and he didn't want to feed into it. So I blow it off (after telling my friend the bummer of it all), and enjoy myself. Later on, my friend comes over and tells me that he is interested and he is looking for me. So, I find him, and because I am a soft spoken butterfly, I ask him why he blew me off earlier. He said that I was the one who blew him off first. What? He showed me that he had texted me the day after we first met....but he sent it to the wrong number. So I told him that he is a geek, and corrected the number. I mean, how do you screw that up? You had a card with the number written right in front of you....well....I got home, and checked the cards. I printed 1000 of them with the wrong phone number. What a nerd! Who does that! ... I do! Its like I self sabotage.

Anyways, he asked me out a couple days later. We met up at a bar...and had a great time! He has the same sense of humor as me...super sarcastic. After the date, he sent me a text saying that he couldn't wait to see me again. I told him that I liked his attitude and felt the same way. He asked me to dinner again, but I was busy the rest of the week...but, he texted or called everyday that week. I loved it. I loved the attention. I loved having a crush again... and more importantly, hearing from that crush.

And, then....at the end of the week...with no further discussion of going out again, I didn't hear from him. The first day since our date... So, the stupid girl that I am, lacking all patience, texted him. I asked if he was mad (I know...stupid! I already mentioned that right?). 24 hours later, he responded "no, I'm not mad. Come on now! I just don't want to rush into anything. you know? you know!"    Ummm....what? What does that even mean? And, now what am I supposed to do with the tattoo of his name I got over my heart? I guess, I'm going to have to return the wedding dress I bought....and change my Facebook status back to single.

I didn't hear from him again for a couple weeks. But, eventually we ran into each other and talked. He tried to avoid the topic...but I wanted answers. He eventually told me that I am not marriage material and that he just doesn't like me. What happened? He wouldn't say. Later, he texted me and we talked again. He said that he does like me, but he felt backed into a corner. He said he wanted to see me again, but needed to take things slow. Umm...ok. I told him, I have no problem with that, I was strictly reacted to his actions. He admitted to being part of the blame. We ended the conversation with me telling him the ball is in his court...he said "well, you have my number too" and I said "well, I'm not going to use it"...and I haven't. And neither has he. So that was the last time we really talked. I still have no clue what happened.

The truth is, I can handle rejection. I was an ugly child...I got very accustomed to it. What I struggle with is closure. Did, someone say something nasty about me to him? Did he meet someone he liked better? What?

I don't want what I cant have. I have never been one to chase someone...either they like me or they don't. So, I have just chalked it up to that...he just wasn't that into me. So be it. This one, did inspire me to take a break though. It exhausted me!

Ugh, Dating!