Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Victim

It’s funny how a first impression can make you blind… and its funny, that it’s not funny at all. Sometimes you meet someone that seems to be everything you have been looking for. They are not perfect, but perfect for you…or so you think. 

This happened to me… I was blind, blinded by The Victim. 

I met The Victim online (go figure). Our first date was at a bar that had a great outdoor patio with an even greater fire pit. When he walked up…I thought it was going to go nowhere. He wasn’t my type. But when I talked to him, he seemed to have such kind eyes. I fall for this every time…the “kind” eyes. They say that your eyes are windows to your soul…and maybe it’s true. But the windows must be pretty, stained glass that is hiding all of your baggage. 

Anyways, he walked up in terrible clothing…which I later found out to be his nice outfit. The outfit he always wore to impress. The same outfit he later wore to meet my mom. I also, found out later that this was something I found to be super endearing. It’s adorable when guys don’t know how to dress themselves. (Not to mention, as a woman, we always want something to change…and clothing is the one thing you can).  The point is…I judged him. I judged him to be someone that wasn’t going to be a match for me. And the truth is, although you should never judge a book by its cover, I should have followed my first instincts. 

Our first date ended up being great. He was a good conversationalist, he seemed to really listen to (and actually care about) what I was saying. He made eye contact…with those sweet, kind eyes.  So, we made plans to see each other again.

We ended up spending tons of time together. If we weren’t together, we were talking on the phone. Everything was wonderful! He wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to help with house chores and garage sales and picking me up from the airport. He told me how beautiful I am…but that what he was falling for most was my heart. He told me that I have a kind heart. He told me lots of things… and all of them made me melt. 

I really believed I had met who I had been looking for. He came from a different background, and had different interests, but he had a great sense of humor and he made me feel special. I had fun with him. I felt safe with him.

And then… well, it all went to shit!

I started to notice, but didn’t want to really pay attention at first, to his drinking. It took me longer than I would like to admit, because, well, I drink too. But I control it. I always stay true to who I am, whether I’m drunk, want to drink, or hung over. That was the difference. He seemed to be a different person. It was like dating two totally different people. One was sweet and attentive; the other was distant and dishonest. 

I brought up his drinking. I asked if it was a problem. I thought we worked through it. And then, I caught him sneaking shots of vodka from my cabinet…and then, I was stupid. I brought it up right then (patience has never been my virtue), and the next day, he was gone…without a word. I didn’t hear from him for five days. The longest we had gone prior was two days, and only because I was in Mexico with no phone.

 And then, finally, he called.

He told me that he missed me.

I took him back. I trusted that things would be different.

I was wrong.

We were back together for three days, and then the weekend came. I thought I was going to see him, after all we had made plans, but he said he had to work overtime. I heard from him at midnight and he was drunk…wasted drunk. He was nasty. I was no longer sweet, I was judgmental. I was no longer beautiful; I was a bitch that no one could love. Apparently because I expected to hear from him, I was trying to be his mother. We didn’t talk for the rest of the weekend. Then Monday morning came, and he called. 

Again, he missed me.

Again, I took him back.

Again, I was wrong.

This happened two more times over the course of two months, sometimes going three weeks without talking. I am embarrassed to admit it. Everyone told me not to. Everyone said I deserve better. But that damn first impression kept me hopeful… it kept me blind. And I believed (still do) that he is a good person. He has so much to offer…if he could just fix himself.

 I even searched out stories of people that had given up drinking, and changed their lives. I kept hoping he would be another success story. But, he didn’t believe in himself the way I believed in him. I kept holding on, longer than I ever should have, that I meant enough for him to want to change. But in his heart, he is a victim. He wants to blame everything and everyone else for his problems. It’s never easy to admit that you are the cause of all your pain. And, he just wasn’t ready to take that step.

They say it takes a few months for someone to show their true colors. My experience has shown this to be pretty accurate. But, I just think it is so hard to let go, especially when you believe in someone. Sometimes you just want to close your eyes and hold on to a great concept…cause that really is all that you have... an idea of someone. I still catch myself wishing things went differently. I still miss that euphoric feeling I had those first few months. I don’t miss him, but I sure miss how he made me feel… well, I guess, if I’m honest, I do miss him...at least the one side. But for now, I’m holding out for someone that I can love every side of. 

Ugh, Dating!

1 comment:

  1. I have been there before. Wishing that the good moments would last longer. Holding on, believing the promises made and then once he hits the bottle, a tornado of hurtful words rushing through. This story really hit home. I look back on a relationship I had with an alcoholic and he really did a great job of selling himself to me like a used car salesman would sell a lemon of a vehicle. In my new sobriety I finally see, I had to do it for myself and the man I fell for years ago, had to want to quit and save himself as well. Sounds like he had a stronger relationship with alcohol that he could have with anyone else right now. That is hard, I hope that one day he will fight this and be free from his addiction. It is a sad story and although you went back a few times, I still think you are pretty strong right now for sticking to your guns. It took me a couple years before I ended things and usually something terrible has to happen before things finally end. I know that in time you will find someone that is worthy of your compassion, fun loving, beautiful self. Thanks for the honest and interesting post. :)