The Guido

Before I even get started with this story… I first want to apologize to anyone that might be offended by my use of ‘Guido’. I think that stereotypical names and ideas are funny and not to be taken seriously. I mean no disrespect, and I have no hate towards anyone. And now, with that said…to the date!

I met the Guido (drum roll please) at a restaurant. Not at a bar or online… and it still didn’t work out! What the heck!

I went to an upscale seafood place in north Scottsdale with some friends. Seafood is not my cup of tea, especially upscale seafood, AKA expensive seafood. But I have to say it was a cute restaurant with an even cuter server, even if he did turn out to be The Guido. So I ordered the chicken and shut my mouth… about the location.

I may have accidentally flirted with this cute server. Maybe. My friend kept egging me on. He said he would pay for my meal if I wrote my phone number on the check. I chickened out. I had already blushed eight times from just making eye contact with the Guido. So I paid for my own meal.

When Guido was about to take my check, he said “did you write your number in there?”. In front of everyone. I was speechless! My friends jaw dropped, there was a second of silence, and I was blushing. The Guido is not lacking in the “balls” department. And I realized that I really just lost out on a free meal!

So, I gave him my number.

Now, when I met him, I was sitting down.  I apparently wasn’t aware that I was as tall as him, in fact taller, because I pretty much wear 4 inch heels at all times, especially on dates. Lets be honest, heels make you look thinner, and I will take any help I can get to look thinner, even if it means that I am almost six feet tall.  The good news was that I could rationalize buying a new pair of shoes. Truth be told, I really have a talent for rationalizing shoe purchases. I have cute little feet!  So, I bought a pair of flat boots, the ones that go over my jeans. These are now known as the Guido boots!

He called me, and asked me out. We went to a trendy restaurant in old town.  When I walked in, I realized that not only was I as tall as him, but actually a bit taller, even with my flat Guido boots. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with short men…I just happen to be a thick girl, so the chances of you being short and thicker than me as a man are slim…unless you are just really fat.  I bring enough meat to the table…but I also don’t want to crush anyone.

After our awkward hug, we sat down to eat. He was actually pretty funny. We had a good time! Even through all the “yada, yada, yada”s.

He is your typical Italian American guy that’s into cars and pasta. Hence, the Guido.(again, I apologize if I offend anyone). Although if you are an Italian guy…or any guy for that matter, I would like to thank you for reading this?

The date ended well. He asked me out again. I accepted.

Next date, same Guido boots, a car show, and a really horrible kiss later… I lost a little interest.  I know the first kiss is almost always a bit awkward, but eventually you can get into the swing of things. Not with the Guido. It was awkward and just bad.

Because I had a decent time with him, and because I was pretty desperate, I would have gone out with him again. Make him practice kissing his arm for a bit. But he got progressively more needy by the day. He would text, and if I didn’t respond immediately, he would ask if I lost interest.

So eventually, I did.

Ugh, Dating!

The Old, Slow Talking Emailer

Obviously I couldn’t choose one name/concept for him….so I went with them all.

So to start, I will explain all of the names. The Old part was based on my moms reaction to his picture. She said, “oh….he looks so old, Chelsea”. So now, when talking to my mom about him, he is The Old Guy. By the way, he is only 38…but I have to give it to her, he looked a bit older in some of his pictures. Or maybe, she is refusing to realize that my pool of men has gotten old….just like me. Tear!

The Slow Talker…is well, just that….a slow talker…pretty self explanatory. But it drove me nuts….I am a busy woman, I have blogging to do…can you please speed it up a little!

And last…and probably best, The Emailer! He did just that, he emailed me. I met him online, so of course there is emailing at the beginning, but once you exchange numbers, the emailing is not necessary. He emailed me options for our date. Really? Be a man, make a plan, and roll with it. I hate making decisions on these sort of things. You asked me out, so I assume you are paying. I don’t want to choose what you are paying for. Right? And more importantly, don’t email it! How about a phone call? Although, now that I think about it…I should be greatful it was an email…lord knows how long it would take him to spit it all out over the phone.

Lets start from the beginning. As I mentioned already, we met online. He emailed me a long thoughtful email, and I responded letting him know that I met someone I was interested in pursuing (My Future husband) and good luck with his search. At this point I hid my profile. I know it was stupid…to put all of my eggs in one future husband basket, but I tend to have a one track mind. When I meet someone I like, they are the only one I like, no one else has a chance. Although sometimes there are guys I like, but I can tell they are not in the same place as me, or they are only looking to get in my pants (like The Booty Caller…coming soon), so I keep dating. I don’t like what I can't have.

Obviously My Future Husband didn’t pan out, as intended (an no, I still have not heard from him), so I opened my profile back up. The first day back on, I got another email from The Old, Slow Talking Emailer. He said, he noticed I was back on and wanted to know if I wanted to chat…he also mentioned that he is not a “crazy stalker guy” but just normal like me. Now, that I have met him…I disagree. He didn’t seem crazy, but he definitely is not like me! And lets be honest, I am not that normal.

After a couple weeks, I emailed him back. Eventually we moved to a phone call. The first question he had for me was “why did it take you so long to write me back?”. Its amazing how hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I should have realized this guy would be way too emotional for me. Emotions are great, being sensitive is great…but please wait until we have been on at least one date. So I answered as best I could. I cant remember what I came up with….but apparently it was acceptable.

We talked on the phone a few times. Finally he asked me to meet. He said he didn’t want to do dinner, because he didn’t want it to seem like an interview. I have had several guy friends tell me they don’t like to do dinner for a first date, because it can get so expensive…and I get it...to a point! Personally I think that men get to pee outside with ease, they don’t get monthly cramps and crying episodes, they can lose ten pounds by giving up orange juice in the morning…they can pay for my dinner!!! But fine, whatever, you don’t want to do dinner. No problem. But this is the email I got:

“So here's some ideas i thought of for tonight. Let me know your top two or three and I'll make a plan...(and depending on what they are, we may be able to combine a couple)...

mini golfing

tooling around old town scottsdale or downtown tempe
checking out one of the Halloween stores that's open
Dave & Buster's
karaoke bar in scottsdale (Ernie's)”

Ok. Lets Break this down. Mini golfing? No offense, but it is still 100 degrees outside…that’s totally what I want to do, be super sweaty and insecure on a first date. Tooling around? What does that even mean? Check out a Halloween store. Does he think this is an episode of Rock of Love, and I'm going to model costumes or something? Dave and Busters…passable… Karaoke on a first date. Seriously?

All of these ideas were major time commitments. For a first date, especially when you have never met, keep it simple. If you don’t want to fork it out for dinner, do drinks or coffee, or ice cream….

So I said Ernies works…but I am not singing.

When I met him, I gave him a hug, which he seemed scared of. And then we sat down. First thing he asked me was why I wanted to do this. You give me a bunch of crappy first date ideas, and then you berate me for picking one? Ugh!

When someone started to sing, he asked me to sit next to him in the booth so I could see. Again, this is a first date. I don’t want to be right up in your face when I turn to talk to you. So I didn’t talk much. He said “you don’t ask a lot of questions huh?” I said “would you like me to ask some more questions?” He said “not if I have to tell you to”…. Oh lord! Not to mention, if I ask a question, who knows how….long…he…will…take….to………….answer.

About 5 minutes later, he said “well, I guess you need to get home to Lily”…. Uh yeah, I guess… I get it you're not interested. So we left and he didn’t walk me to my car. Go figure. He didn’t want to buy me dinner, of course he is not going to walk me to my car.

The next morning I wake up to a text from him: “Chelsea, could u give me an honest assessment of how I come off on first dates? Haven’t been having much luck lately. Do I look or come across different in person than on my profile or over the phone?”

(This is the 3^rd time I have been asked my opinion or why I wasn’t interested after a date…I really need to stop saying how honest and up front I am, so maybe they will stop asking.)

 I responded “I’ll email you!”  

Ugh, Dating!

The Lamo Texters

This could really be about several guys I have talked to….and never met…but lets focus on two, Lamo Texter #1, and Lamo Texter #2. (I know...really creative names)

Lamo texter #1 constantly sent me messages asking if I knew where he could find a gorgeous brunette. Don’t get me wrong, it never hurts to be called a gorgeous brunette, but when you say that exact sentence 3 times a day…it gets a bit old! He would text me pictures (no naked ones…thank God), and tell me about his day…..All texts! He finally asked to meet up after one week of texting…but he asked me to hang out later that same day. Ahhh, no thanks! I am busy! I told him if he wants to meet me that he needs to give more than a few hours notice. The texting continued…my patience started to diminish….and then while texting about movies, he said “when do you want to go see one?”…. I said “if you want to meet me, you're going to have to come out and ask…a phone call wouldn’t kill ya either ;)”… I know, a bit harsh… but keep in mind, the texting had gone on for 2 weeks…with no phone call. I mean, seriously….grow a pair! For all I know, he was a woman! (maybe, that's why he didn't want to call).

Lamo texter #2 went through the same motions as Lamo texter #1. First contact- a text. Full conversation- by text. Pictures texted….UGH!!!!!! Unfortunately for #2, my patience was totally gone with texting, by the time he came around. The more he texted, the less I responded. Finally he said “Just wondering if you are still interested in talking…either way let me know. I don’t want to waste either of our times.” I responded “I hear ya…but it is hard to be interested when I have never even met you. I'm definitely not interested if you just want to continue texting.” Thirty minutes later…he called. I wasn’t able to answer the call…so I got another text (no voicemail) “I tried contacting you..and I don’t hear back. Its hard to meet if you don’t chat”. Keep in mind this text came twenty minutes after the phone call. Seriously! And I am the crazy, impatient one? So I responded, two hours later…when  I was available, “This may come off cold…but I have other things going on in my life than to sit around and wait for your texts. This interacting has made me un-interested. If you are interested in someone, call and ask her out! Good luck with your search… I am sorry, but I expect so much more”.

I know I may seem cold or harsh, but it gets exhausting. Where are the men at?

I want a Man!!!…a man that isn’t afraid to call the first time…even if that means the risk of having to leave a voicemail. (ooohhhh, scary!) A man, that calls and says, When can I take you out? A man that gives notice and doesn’t expect you to be available the same day! A Gentleman! Is it really so much to ask for?

Ugh, Dating!

The Cheap Geek

I’m not sure if it is Geek or Nerd that I should be using….but, cheap is definitely the right adjective. I’m going to stick with Geek, just because it flows nicer…just rolls off the tongue.

Again, I met Cheap Geek online… I’m starting to sound sooooo repetitive. But it’s just the facts. He looked cute in his pictures and sounded great in the emails. He admitted up front that he was a computer geek, and that he was fond of dumb jokes. Maybe, I should have taken him seriously. Maybe, I should have called it quits right there. But the truth is, I am totally a geek, or nerd…I’m not sure which…but something. Which one is not good with computers? I am that one.. hmmm… now that I think of it, maybe I am a Dork.

Now, I believe there are different degrees of Geekness. A low degree geek is maybe someone that really loves Star Wars. A high degree geek is maybe someone that goes to Star Wars conferences and names their kids (if they find another high degree geek to mate with) Luke, Leah, and Chewbacca.

The Cheap Geek was a luke-warm (haha…should I say Luke Skywalker-warm?) geek. He was not geeky at all in that he does drag racing (the legal kind) and rides a motorcycle. Those are tough man sports. Right?  But, he was really geeky with his jokes and comments… now, don’t get me wrong, my jokes are cheesier than most (reference Luke Skywalker warm), but there is an acceptable dosage. To make a joke or cheesy comment after everything I say gets really old, really fast.

We talked on the phone a couple of times before meeting. The first conversation was exhausting with a high level of geekage. The second call was great. He knew when to talk, when to listen, and when to joke. This phone call repaired all damage from the first, and I was excited to meet him again.

So…we met.

He was far from the best looking or best dressed that I have been out with…but also far from the worst. So he is an average looking, average dressed, luke-warm geek.

At dinner, he made one line jokes after everything I said, the waitress said, or he, himself said. The waitress looked uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable, and he was happy as a clam with no awareness to the surrounding discomfort.

As we are looking at the menu, he tells me I should go for the lesser expensive option I mentioned and then asked if I wanted to split it. Before I could respond…he waved the waitress over to ask her the size of the meal. She said it was not really over-sized and probably not enough for two people. He looked defeated.

After we ordered, the cheaper options…but not split, he told me he likes to drink wine. He told me that he buys whatever is cheap. He said he goes for the bottles under a couple bucks. There is nothing wrong with being frugal… in fact, that is something I need to be more of, but not when price is the only motivator. There is something to be said for quality. “You get what you pay for”. And the point is, most people show their best side on a first date…would this mean all future dates would be Taco Bell? I don’t want to have to split my burrito!

And… Throughout the rest of the conversation, he mentioned cost, and the fact that he goes for whatever is least expensive. I was like, I get it….your cheap. A Cheap Geek.

Ugh, dating!

Welcome to Crazy (thats me)

All of my family and friends have had to endure my roller coaster of emotions with dating...and how terrible I am at it. Most of them give me advice like "you should play hard to get" or "you don't have to tell him everything that is on your mind!". But one of them (you know who you are) stands by me and says "you need to be true to yourself....even if that means being overly honest". Although its always about fifty against that one....I always listen to her and let out the crazy....because lets be honest, I'm going to do it anyways!

My personal opinion is that most of us are crazy. Its just that most girls are better at hiding it. They can conceal that bundle of crazo with a cool, casual smile. Not me! Its written all over my face...everyone can see it. CRAZY!!!

...and I'm single. Weird!

I'm sure you are wondering what brought on this admission of crazy. Well...I am announcing out loud "Hello, my name is Chelsea...and...I have...a...Crazy...problem..."..... because I emailed my Future Husband.

I know, I know.... Crazy! Have you looked at the title of this blog? Have you been listening? I am well aware of my issues...but at least it makes for good stories, right?

Anyways, I emailed him because I want answers, I want closure. Not because, I think anything will change. (Although, it would be nice if he came running back and told me that he was stupid, or that he had temporary amnesia and that the email brought back all of the memories...and he was so happy to remember me.) And then, I could tell him that I have moved on...even though I think it is obvious that I haven't.

so without further ado...here it is... the humiliating proof that I am an emotional basket case.

The email:

Hi Future Husband, (FYI: I used his real name in the email...I am not That crazy...close though ;)

I know this is crazy...me emailing you after you have blown me off. What makes it so crazy is that we only met 3 times.... but I liked you. I have been on lots of dates over the years, and it seems more often than not they are interested in me, and I am not interested in them. You have been one of the few. The only date I have been on in a long long time, that I wanted to see again.

I liked that you seemed confident, not cocky. That I felt you were watching the surroundings, but concentrating on me. You seemed brave, but still admitted you get scared. I liked your sense of humor and that you were calming...but still made me nervous. And more than anything, I thought we got along great.

Truthfully, I could go on, but there is no need.

I just wish you would have been honest with me. I wish you would have told me what happened? You disappeared mid conversation.

Did your ex come back? Did you get hurt? Did you realize that you aren't ready to date? You don't want to date me?

I really thought you were the type to be up front....I didn't see this happening with you. I'm aware that I barely know you...but you presented yourself so different, and I believed you.

I guess that's all....

Chelsea

So there it is. Still no response.. I am sure there wont be. But, at least I was true to myself. Right?

Ugh, dating!

Blah

I met Blah online, of course. I have named him Blah, because that is the best way to describe him. He wasn’t either extreme…just completely B……. (sorry fell asleep) LAH. Blah blah blah!

I actually initiated contact. His profile made me laugh and he looked cute in his pictures…which apparently was the only place he looked cute!

I’m so tired of these guys having pictures that are 10 years ago, or 40lbs ago. I always wonder if they can see my overall shock and disappointment. People should know what they are buying…not that I am actually paying for them (these are totally legal sites I am on), and if I was paying…they would be way hot, like Ryan Reynolds hot (and I would have them prance around in nice fitting jeans)! There are tons of girls out there that will still love you if you are fat and old…You just have to let them know up front, so they know what they are dealing with. I know what I bring to the table… a big ass and a sense of humor. I am upfront with all of it on my profile. Because the truth is…regardless of personality, there needs to be attraction.

Anyways, (now that I got that little rant out of the way) Blah and I talked and texted daily, until we finally met. On the phone, he was charismatic and sarcastic…my favorite combo. In person, he was dull and awkward.

I know I should learn my lesson. This is not the first time that I was excited to meet someone, only to be extremely disappointed. I don’t understand how someone is so opposite on the phone versus in person. It amazing how cocky can sound confident and bitter can sound sarcastic, when you want it to.

Blah was bitter and dull. He didn’t smile or laugh. Luckily we just met for coffee…because it would have been brutal to get through an entire dinner.

We met at a local coffeehouse, it was super cute. I showed up early, as always, and ordered a drink. i sat down to wait for Blah, and the owner of the coffee shop sat down to chat. When I ordered my drink, I had mentioned it was my first time there….so I think he was making sure I come back. Which I will. While I was talking to coffee shop guy, Blah showed up….he looked unhappy. I don’t know if he was unhappy because he thought someone else had a chance to pee on me (stake claim…not actually pee…that’s not my thing) before he did, or if he is just unhappy in general.  As soon as he got his drink, I told him the conversation I had with coffee shop guy, and insinuated that there was nothing fishy.

The rest of the conversation was filled with uncomfortable silences. During these gaps, I would try to think of more questions to ask….but it was like pulling teeth. Finally, I told him that I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to call it a day.

We are walking to our cars,  and he just stops and points to his car. Apparently I was walking him to his car.  Ummm…seriously? You can’t walk ten more feet to my car…like a gentleman. Maybe, he wasn’t interested either, but isn’t is common courtesy for a man to walk a woman to her car?

Where are the men at? You know, real men? Gentlemen?

Ugh, Dating!

The Convict

I met the Convict about 5 years ago, online. We exchanged a few emails back and forth and decided to meet for drinks. I remember thinking he was cute in a white trash sort of way. If I would have met him now, I probably wouldn’t have even stayed for a drink. Back then, everyone had a chance to make an impression. But, I am older now, with much higher standards…almost!

So we are sitting at the bar, having drinks, chatting….and then out of nowhere…he tells me that he had been arrested for domestic abuse. After choking on my spinach dip, I asked what happened. He said, it really wasn’t what it seemed. I asked for him to elaborate….He said ‘NO”. And so I said, “See ya!”

Is this what is left? I am 32 years old…does this mean I am passed my prime? Do I need to realize that my options have come to assholes or criminals?

Ugh, Dating!