Nice Guys aren't actually Nice.... A Man's perspective

A man's perspective on "nice guys".... This was written by a friend of mine.. I think he gets it ;)
Enjoy!


Nice Guys aren't actually Nice
 
Let us start at the beginning.  Why do we even talk about nice guys?  The reason is when asking a woman what she wants in a man she will almost invariably list “nice guy” as one of her criteria.   Then as sure as the Earth orbits the sun some guy will whine about how much of a nice guy he is and how he can never get the girl or how he's constantly “frienzoned”.  
 
First I want to talk about the criteria people use to choose there partners.  Nearly everyone in the universe wants to be with someone who is kind to them and treats them with respect, I would say it's closer to 100% than it is to 99% .  This goes for men and women.  Men even have a saying “No matter how hot she is, somebody else is tired of her shit.”  Which is just a way of saying “I'm only willing to put up with somebody who treats me poorly for so long no matter what other attributes that person has that appeal to me.”  Just like looks, niceness does not exist in a vacuum.   A woman doesn't like a guy simply because of niceness.  Everyone has a laundry list of things they like and don't like and niceness is just one of a myriad of criteria that an individual is using.   Nice may be at the top of the list or it may be in the middle it's likely the person themselves probability doesn't even know where exactly it falls.  The fact is, just being “nice” isn't enough.
 
Now let me get to the crux of what I'd like to talk about here.  If you've ever said anything to the effect of “I'm a nice guy but women (or insert girl name here) doesn't like me, wont go out with me, wont have sex with me blah blah.  I have some bad news for you, you're probably not a nice guy.
 
Let me explain
 
There seem to be some people out there who think that women are all liars and that they don't actually like nice guys.   They will usually site some example to the effect of “I tried to be a nice guy and I never got the girl then I started to be a jerk and I did much better with women, therefore women don't actually like nice guys.” 
 
Now I have no doubt that many so called “Nice guys” have stopped being “Nice guys” and done better with women.   However I going to break down a multitude of reasons why that's happening and none of them have anything to do with women lying about wanting nice guys or not wanting nice guys in general.
 
Men who stop being “Nice Guys” and do better with women were probably not nice guys to begin with.      These are people who have been spending their time trying to go through the motions of being nice, without actually being nice.   It's something sociopaths are very good at. Actual nice guys rarely self identify as nice, because they don't have to.   If you've ever claimed to be a nice guy, there is a high probability that you're not actually a nice.  If you've ever wondered why your “good deeds” didn't get you laid or get you a relationship or whatever you're not actually a nice guy, you were just going through the motions of being nice in an attempt to get what you wanted.  You were following a formula of deeds that you thought would get you laid or a relationship or whatever.
 
The difference between a fake nice guy and a real nice guy is simple.  Lets say a lady friend of yours runs out of gas on the highway and calls you and asks you to bring her gas.   Lets say our actual nice guy and our fake nice guy both do the exact same thing, bring her gas and then she drives off to go sleep with her boyfriend who you consider and asshole.   The actual nice guy will go back to doing whatever he was doing.  He may not even consider what he did to be nice, he may just consider it to be something friends do for each other and he expects nothing in return.   The fake nice guy watches her speed away and gets angry and he thinks about all the nice things he's done for her and she still wont sleep/date/kiss him whatever.   He thinks that at some point he will receive some reward for all the “good deeds” he's doing.   Really he's expecting return for the fake good deeds he's doing because they aren't actually good deeds out of the kindness of his heart, they are an investment, and he gets upset when he's not getting a return on that investment.   He is under the mistaken impression that a woman is like a slot machine and if he eventually puts in enough “nice guy” tokens he will finally win the jackpot.
 
There is an old saying “A good deed is it's own reward”.  If it's not its own reward, if it's simply a means to an end, then it's not actually a good deed.
 
So then our “Nice Guy” decides that since his lady friend is sleeping with some guy he considers to be an asshole, so he too should be an asshole! He has concluded that women have lied to him about wanting to be with a nice guy and to truly get the woman/women he desires he will be like that guy he hated, the asshole. He's in luck because he's probably already an asshole and he didn't hate the asshole his lady friend was sleeping with so much as he was jealous of him.   So with his new found self righteousness he will attempt to tread the path of the asshole so that he may stick his penis in all of the women that all those other assholes were getting.   He will disprove the myth of the nice guy through sexual conquest!

And it works

Sort of

A fake nice guy who decides to be an “asshole” will almost assuredly see an uptick in the attention he gets from women.   He then concludes that women are either liars or actually have no idea what they want and he's proven it by using the tactics that he, in all probability, disparaged while he was a “Nice Guy”.

but he's wrong
 
He's wrong about the reasons, he's doing better because he's more confident.  Confidence is a huge turn on for many many people.   In fact if he had he had more confidence while faking his nice routine he would have been in even better shape.  However he mistakenly believes that nice guy is synonymous with doormat. That it means always putting your own needs second to others, that it means not being assertive, and instead being submissive.   Confidence, persistence and assertiveness don't make you an asshole,  although many assholes tend to be both assertive and persistent.  Imagine what an assertive, confident nice guy could do!
 
Make no mistake, almost without exception women want nice guys.  If you're actually nice and you're having problems with women, the nice part is not the problem.  Remember though, being a nice guy isn't about what you don't do, so you don't hit women, so you don't run over animals, congrats your not a horrible human being but you're still not nice.  Just saying you're a nice guy is like AT&T saying their new phone won't explode and blow your head off.  That's great, but neither will this other phone and it has all these other features.....   Women haven't been lying to you.  You're just having a problem with correlation vs. causation.

A Man's Perspective

 Hi my dear readers :) Following is a guest appearance from a man...Yes, a man. Dating sucks on both sides (apparently) and I feel it is only fair to be open minded to the male perspective (even though its probably wrong.... I jest...mostly). Enjoy! :)


Hello, for a moment I’m going to be gender shifting the Glass Emporium of Failed Dates for a brief service announcement (rant) from an apparently dwindling and often forgotten subset of men.

As we’re all aware, and this blog serves as proof, there are a lot of assholes, douchebags and creeps out there in the dating world and the proportion seems to be growing by the day. This is an issue of supply, due to a combination of popular culture, absent parenting and generalized idiocy us men are pumping out enough D-bags per day to found a small country, drive that country into poverty through the importation of nothing but Jaeger and Redbull, and then raze it to the ground amid the glorious grunts of the Neanderthals’ fist bumping. That side of the equation is certainly problematic.

However there are two sides to any equation. Let’s say I start a company that makes Ass hats. If nobody was in the market for hats for their asses I probably wouldn’t be in business for very long, would I? Classic supply and demand right? This corollary holds true in this instance as well. Ladies, you are the ones creating a demand for an absurd abundance of rampant douchebaggery. Ladies, you know those saptastic romance movies the majority of you love? Have you ever said the words (or an approximation thereof), “I want to be appreciated”, “I want someone who is honest and loyal”, “I want to be treated special” etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseam. Well guess what? The majority of the time you shun these opportunities. Say you meet a nice guy, and said nice guy asks to take you on a date. You agree, you go out on a date, it goes well. He picks you up, you do something nice, something fun, he opens doors, compliments you appropriately, offers to pay for dinner and at the end of the night says how wonderful it was and that he can’t wait to do it again. Sounds awesome right? Like something you would go for? Logically that would make sense but 9 times out of 10 this is an absolute fallacy. As women you tend to have multiple paths you can walk down at any given time with regards on who to date. Let’s say you also have a member of the lesser morally constrained population knocking on your door. The majority of you will be answering that knock and keeping the nice guy as a friend. Why? Because you can, hell the nice guy will probably swallow their pride and remain friendly and reliable and in no time you could be crying on their shoulder because the asshole, started acting like an asshole. I can say that this is true because I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum.

I was an asshole in more than a few relationships and I am an alcoholic to boot (although no longer actively practicing). I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve been an all-around idiot within the constructs of my relationships with women. But you know what? I am proud of exactly 0% of this behavior but I will gladly own it. I didn’t start that way, I was brought there after a string of failed relationships in my early 20s that made it clear that being a gentleman wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I said screw it. Even the kindest of animals can turn if you neglect them enough. Hell, I’d wager if there was a way to turn a dyslexic sloth into a stone cold killer it would only be through the myriad of mindf**ks you ladies put us through. But you know what? I never had a problem beginning or maintaining a relationship, meaningful or not when acting that way. Now I’ve come full circle, I’m back to my roots when it comes my behavior towards women and, get this, I know others who are the same way. We exist.

About a year ago I entered back into the dating world after a self-imposed hiatus and in that time frame I can no longer count on my two hands how many times this exact situation has played out:

1. Meet Girl
2. Ask girl out
3. Take girl out have great time
4. Attempt to go out again
5. Consistent disconnection
6. Oh I got back with my asshole ex/started seeing some asshole

It has gotten to the point where I just watch it unfold and chuckle…what else can I do? Anytime I or my compatriots bring it up with a female friend or acquaintance we receive the same responses; some variation of, “Well that’s her loss.” Well yippe-kay-yay, let’s all bake a cake and celebrate. Now I’d imagine I have to have some culpability and its not like I’m without flaws. I have many, and I’ll list them out for someone if they ask me to, they’re part of what makes me, well me I guess. I wear those, and I work on them, I look to try and better myself, when I’m wrong I’ll admit it. These are the things that the vast majority of women say that they want before going back to sitting at home waiting for some douche canoe to come home 3 hours late after getting housed with his bros on a Tuesday night.

 So with that out of the way, lets tackle some more specific issues that keep both you and us from finding an understanding.

1. We do nice things for you because we value you, we’re attracted to you and we like to show our appreciation. This may be through compliments, gestures, small thoughtful gifts, a genuine interest in who you are and what you’re doing, This doesn’t mean that we’re trying to go from zero to sixty into marriage it is how we believe you should be treated. Hell it’s how you say you want to be treated.

2. It’s not a competition, if we go out of our way to do something special for you we don’t require nor expect you to try to best it. What we value is our time with you, be appreciative but more importantly just keep showing up and being yourself…that’s the end goal. If it wasn’t we wouldn’t do those things for you.

3. If you’ve made it past 1 and 2 and your excuse is that you don’t feel you deserve to be treated as such (all too common) take a step back and smack yourself in the face. Everyone deserves to be treated that way and cared for unconditionally.

4. If you find yourself in a sort of pseudo relationship (without commitment) because you don’t think you can be the girlfriend your gentleman deserves (I’ve heard this one in many varieties from multiple people on both sides of the equation). Either get over yourself and realize that it doesn’t matter if you can’t wrap your head around it or walk away and stop abusing their kindness. You can only play that game for so long before you wear even the most patient person down to a resentful shell of themselves.

So yes, us gentlemen do exist… and in much greater numbers than you think. We hide in plain sight, our attention is obvious but for some reason the majority of women seem to opt for pissing into the wind while trying to convince themselves its raining.

In the end, Ladies, if you come across a nice guy give it a shot. Don’t get caught up in things like, whether it’s the kind of chase you want or any of that nonsense, just remember what you want out of your love life and make your decision from there and let us know. We won’t hold it against you if you decide to have someone urinate all over your romantic fantasies in a way that would make R. Kelly blush but it’d be nice to at least have a heads up if that’s the direction you decide to go.

Fin.

The Victim

It’s funny how a first impression can make you blind… and its funny, that it’s not funny at all. Sometimes you meet someone that seems to be everything you have been looking for. They are not perfect, but perfect for you…or so you think. 

This happened to me… I was blind, blinded by The Victim. 

I met The Victim online (go figure). Our first date was at a bar that had a great outdoor patio with an even greater fire pit. When he walked up…I thought it was going to go nowhere. He wasn’t my type. But when I talked to him, he seemed to have such kind eyes. I fall for this every time…the “kind” eyes. They say that your eyes are windows to your soul…and maybe it’s true. But the windows must be pretty, stained glass that is hiding all of your baggage. 

Anyways, he walked up in terrible clothing…which I later found out to be his nice outfit. The outfit he always wore to impress. The same outfit he later wore to meet my mom. I also, found out later that this was something I found to be super endearing. It’s adorable when guys don’t know how to dress themselves. (Not to mention, as a woman, we always want something to change…and clothing is the one thing you can).  The point is…I judged him. I judged him to be someone that wasn’t going to be a match for me. And the truth is, although you should never judge a book by its cover, I should have followed my first instincts. 

Our first date ended up being great. He was a good conversationalist, he seemed to really listen to (and actually care about) what I was saying. He made eye contact…with those sweet, kind eyes.  So, we made plans to see each other again.

We ended up spending tons of time together. If we weren’t together, we were talking on the phone. Everything was wonderful! He wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to help with house chores and garage sales and picking me up from the airport. He told me how beautiful I am…but that what he was falling for most was my heart. He told me that I have a kind heart. He told me lots of things… and all of them made me melt. 

I really believed I had met who I had been looking for. He came from a different background, and had different interests, but he had a great sense of humor and he made me feel special. I had fun with him. I felt safe with him.

And then… well, it all went to shit!

I started to notice, but didn’t want to really pay attention at first, to his drinking. It took me longer than I would like to admit, because, well, I drink too. But I control it. I always stay true to who I am, whether I’m drunk, want to drink, or hung over. That was the difference. He seemed to be a different person. It was like dating two totally different people. One was sweet and attentive; the other was distant and dishonest. 

I brought up his drinking. I asked if it was a problem. I thought we worked through it. And then, I caught him sneaking shots of vodka from my cabinet…and then, I was stupid. I brought it up right then (patience has never been my virtue), and the next day, he was gone…without a word. I didn’t hear from him for five days. The longest we had gone prior was two days, and only because I was in Mexico with no phone.

 And then, finally, he called.

He told me that he missed me.

I took him back. I trusted that things would be different.

I was wrong.

We were back together for three days, and then the weekend came. I thought I was going to see him, after all we had made plans, but he said he had to work overtime. I heard from him at midnight and he was drunk…wasted drunk. He was nasty. I was no longer sweet, I was judgmental. I was no longer beautiful; I was a bitch that no one could love. Apparently because I expected to hear from him, I was trying to be his mother. We didn’t talk for the rest of the weekend. Then Monday morning came, and he called. 

Again, he missed me.

Again, I took him back.

Again, I was wrong.

This happened two more times over the course of two months, sometimes going three weeks without talking. I am embarrassed to admit it. Everyone told me not to. Everyone said I deserve better. But that damn first impression kept me hopeful… it kept me blind. And I believed (still do) that he is a good person. He has so much to offer…if he could just fix himself.

 I even searched out stories of people that had given up drinking, and changed their lives. I kept hoping he would be another success story. But, he didn’t believe in himself the way I believed in him. I kept holding on, longer than I ever should have, that I meant enough for him to want to change. But in his heart, he is a victim. He wants to blame everything and everyone else for his problems. It’s never easy to admit that you are the cause of all your pain. And, he just wasn’t ready to take that step.

They say it takes a few months for someone to show their true colors. My experience has shown this to be pretty accurate. But, I just think it is so hard to let go, especially when you believe in someone. Sometimes you just want to close your eyes and hold on to a great concept…cause that really is all that you have... an idea of someone. I still catch myself wishing things went differently. I still miss that euphoric feeling I had those first few months. I don’t miss him, but I sure miss how he made me feel… well, I guess, if I’m honest, I do miss him...at least the one side. But for now, I’m holding out for someone that I can love every side of. 

Ugh, Dating!

Derek...My Car

A few years ago, I desperately wanted a new car. I had the CRV in my sights. I manifested getting this car. I thought they were so cute…and different from what I had been driving my whole life. The day came…I got an awesome deal on a lease…first time ever leasing (and last). I was so pumped up about finally getting my car that I didn’t even focus on what I liked about it. I named the car Derek. Over the course of the year and half I had Derek, I realized that I had no love towards it. The outside was beautiful…but the inside was boring. I grew to hate that car…even though there was nothing overall terrible about it. It just wasn’t for me.

The point of this story is that I went on a date...his name is Derek.  I was instantly excited about him. He actually asked questions and seemed interested in my answers. We talked for hours with no lapse…and he was super cute. And then, he asked to meet me (yes, I met him online). He suggested the dog park…another plus…he is a dog lover. 

The day came to meet him. It was over one hundred degrees outside and we are going to a dog park. How do you look cute for this? As soon as I walk outside, I will sweat my bangs out…they get curly…believe me, it’s not attractive. But, I stayed positive. I threw on cute shorts and a tank top (and lots of hairspray)… and drove to the park… and hoped that the name Derek was not symbolic.

We said hello, hugged, and walked around. It was hard to even focus though…there were millions of flies. They were everywhere. It was like a plague. I started to become terrified that if I opened my mouth to talk, one might fly in. Ugh! We tried to just keep moving...but nothing worked. You would have thought there were rotting carcasses lying around the park. We started to look like crazy people…smacking ourselves, and dancing around. All of this, I found funny. Apparently he didn’t. He hit himself in the face pretty good…I laughed (maybe bad timing?). He shook it off and we walked to the cars. (Don't worry, he seemed to walk fine. He didn't hit himself that hard). He said he needed to "get out of these flies". Understandable! 

The entire date lasted 27 minutes. I didn’t even realize I had signed up for speed dating. It was awkward, nothing like our phone conversations. I walked to my car (by myself) very confused…How did that date go? No clue! 

He had asked me what my schedule was like this week. He said next time we will do something inside. He said he would call me.  Maybe, it is soon…but I haven’t heard from him. And the truth is...I’m okay with it. I just want something more. I want to feel excited about the car, even after I drive it. (No, this is not a sex analogy...but if it were, I would say the same thing).

And then, it hit me. He is like my CRV. Exciting and new and pretty to look at…but boring inside. He came to the park and left his humor at home. Maybe he was tired (he said he had worked 32 days straight).  Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me (although my pictures are pretty accurate online).  Or, Maybe,  it wasn’t actually him that I talked to on the phone…. Maybe he is the face? Maybe, the guy I actually talked to on the phone was too embarrassed to meet me, because he has some kind of weird growth or something…and so he sends Derek to represent him in person. There are just so many ‘maybe’s’! 

Whatever it was, the point is that I want something more! I want more than a reliable car with power windows, and a pretty exterior. I want something with power and corky-ness (like secret compartments).  I just don’t want another Derek.

Ugh, Dating!

Boo!

I have realized that I am one of the scary women. I apparently scare men! So, I read a book to fix this. A book dedicated to the reasons men run away. I think it is very important to understand yourself...and your tactics.

In my experience,  the guys I want to scare away...stick around.  The guys I would like to keep around... run away crying (this might be an exaggeration). So, what am I doing? Is it what I say? My expressions?
There have been men interested in me, that I have no intentions on seeing again, and I have tried desperately to scare off. I have told them about my decaying ovaries.  I have told them that I want to have kids yesterday.  I have gone as far as to let them know how fat I will probably get when I have kids...My ass will look pregnant too. But, to my dismay., these men remain steady in their desire to date me. What? Is it my overall demeanor telling them I have no interest...is it the challenge?

On the flip side,  there have been men I am interested in...and I play the game. (Obviously from this blog, you know this is not always the case...but I swear, I've done it! ). I make sure to not always call, even when I want to...I wait to hear from them. My problem is that sometimes,  I do hear from them....lots. But even then, I'm careful not to mention how my life plan has failed. I'm careful not to mention that I never imagined being 34 and single...and more importantly,  childless. I keep those thoughts to myself.

So, what's the issue?

As I mentioned. ?.I read a book. It pointed out a median of issues that could be the problem.  Issues other than appearances.  It pointed out just how many issues I have overall.  The biggest being what I call the "Crash and Burn". This is summed up as moving to fast...falling head over heels...over night. You fall in love with the idea of someone,  before even knowing who they really are. My last relationship falls in this category.  I think most people show their best side in the beginning.  They are running on Cupid's adrenaline.  In the beginning,  everything is covered in glitter,  tastes like wine, (or Captain Morgan), and feels like a Tempur Pedic. After a few months,  the glitter becomes dirt, the wine becomes old milk, and the Tempur Pedic becomes a tile floor. ?.and you wonder what on earth happened.  This is my issue.

So...how do I fix this? The book suggests slowing things down.  Don't spend every day with your perfect love.  Don't jump to conclusions about how perfect they are.  Pause,  breathe,  and keep in mind they have flaws...and in time (basically,  three months) you will see them.

Ok, great advice...  but, what about the dreamers?  What about the people like me,  that live only with the right side of their brain?  The advice makes sense...but how do you change who you are?  I've never been logical,  or organized,  or practical!  How do I all of a sudden do this? When you are a dreamer,  how can you possibly imagine glitter ever looking like dirt?

I think it's a change of focus.  Even dirt can have sparkly flecks. A tile floor can feel amazing when it's hot. ? And well, old milk is never good.  But maybe,  just maybe,  there is someone out there that may turn out to be water, instead of wine.  And, although it can be disappointing at first. ?..who can survive on just wine?

Ugh, Dating!

Nice Shoes, Want to F**k?

I would just like to share the email I received (with my commentary throughout):

“Hi there Lovely :),

I just wanted to say hi and let you know how truly beautiful I think you are. (Thank you, I never hear that…let me take my pants off). I was also wondering if you might be interested in having a romantic relationship with one another. (I think ultimately this is what everyone is looking for…eventually).

Essentially it would be a friends with benefits type of relationship (oh…now I get the romance talk) with the hopes of becoming more down the road.  I have very limited free time while I start a new business and am putting in crazy hours, so I would rather spend the little free time I do have getting to know someone intimately and emotionally until my schedule becomes normal again. (Or, I don’t know…maybe wait a few months and service yourself).  In a few months, I will have much more free time to add in the typical date nights and work on a full blown relationship at that time. (This is when you would find time to find a different girl, with self esteem.)

I also think it would actually be easier to get to know someone while cuddling, watching a movie (I’m pretty sure that’s not what you have in mind), and being intimate versus going to a noisy bar or restaurant and trying to get to know each other that way. I think it is a lot more natural and less stressful than the typical dating procedures that never seem to work out. (Totally not stressful….Hi I’m Chelsea…let me get naked). 

If the relationship progresses into more, (If you are a tomcat in the bedroom...and your personality doesn't totally suck!), that would be great, (but it won’t!) but it should be nothing we feel the need to force or rush into. (The longer I can get some, and not pay for anything, the better). If you are at all interested in something like this type of relationship, please let me know. I also hope you are not offended in any way and that I hear from you soon.”

….So basically, I would really like to F**k you, but not so badly, that I want to buy you dinner first. How Romantic!

Ugh, Dating!